I remember when I had young, precious children who would rush to see me as soon as I walked in the door every afternoon from work. They told me they loved me all the time and gave me hugs and kisses and unlimited compliments. Those days are over for me. At least until I have grandchildren.
I have reached the long dreaded stage in my life where I have two teenagers and a “tween” at home (and one 21 year old that has flown the nest). That means that after a long, hard day at work, I get to come home to angst-filled glares, attitudes and eye-rolls. Don’t send help! I know it sounds terrifying but I have adjusted by acclimating to them and their lifestyle and they couldn’t be more horrified. I thought I’d share some of my best teen parenting tips. And, according to my kids, these tips are coming to you straight from the biggest loser on the planet Earth. You’re welcome, in advance. Please note: I am not actually a doctor or a parenting expert. I also don’t work in the mental health field or with children outside of my own.
In today’s generation, being “woke” means being aware of surroundings and current situations. In other words, being aware is now called being woke or staying woke (if you want to stay aware). So, if my kids are running late or don’t want to get out of the bed, I throw ice water on them and yell, “Stay WOKE!” This has proven effective time and time again when they don’t want to get up in the mornings. You can also eat all the dinner when they don’t come to the table on time and when they complain, yell “Stay WOKE!” It really can be useful in a thousand different ways. If they’re on the phone walk past and knock it out of their hand and yell it. Yell it at the grocery store. Yell at the dentist while they’re getting their teeth cleaned. The possibilities are endless.
Please be advised that, effective immediately, things are no longer described as cool. Cool is now only a temperature and not an adjective. Nothing is cool anymore. Me being number one on that list according to the spawns that live in my house. Things that were formerly called cool or awesome are now described as fye or lit. I like to use “That’s lit, Fam” or “Stay fye!” as a response to as much as I can when my kids deem me important enough to speak too. Every now and then, I’ll throw in a “that’s crazy, bru” to mix things up a bit. Please don’t speak like this to adults though. Most of them aren’t FYE or LIT enough to use this horrible vernacular. I will know what you’re talking about though. I’m fluent. Please Paypal me if you need lessons.
I remember when flossing was considered part of the dental hygiene process. Now it’s a teen dance craze. Much like the Roger Rabbit, Soldier Boy or Running Man dances back in previous eras, this one is just as ridiculous. If you don’t know how to do it or even what it is, drop all hobbies and chores and go straight to YouTube to learn and practice. This is a current tween movement and you can immediately up your “cool” points if you can do this dance. Especially when they have friends over at the house or while at a parent teacher conference.
Dab Your Tears Away
This one absolutely infuriates my thirteen year old son. Upon entering and exiting a room, do the “dab” and say “DAB” while you do it. Apparently, it is null and void if you don’t tell people what you’re doing when you do it. I think this is because they might think you’re just stretching or reaching for something or maybe even flexing if you don’t tell them. If you don’t know what the Dab is, YouTube it but, make note, it is not important to do this correctly or with proper form. In fact, the worse you are at it, the madder the kids get (which makes it all the more fun).
The Holy Grail Of Embarrassment
I have found that the number one way to absolutely mortify your children is to do a TikTok video and post it. I did one of my face as a sunshine and I was rapping a song that was mainly only the lyrics “pew, pew, pew”. If you don’t know what TikTok is, it is a newer social media format where you lip sync and post videos to the internet for people to comment on and like. I personally am not a huge fan but it can be kind of funny. However, this stunt turned out so badly for me that I no longer have the app. There is a line you don’t cross with even teenagers. But it’s still in my arsenal as a threat. And I’m not afraid to use it.
That brings me to the end of Lesson one. There are only four thousand more to go. In the meantime, please e-mail me but only if you don’t want advice. I have no idea what I’m doing.