Posted in Humor, Life

My Journey To Cure Premature Laughter

Premature laughter is no laughing matter

There are literally millions of people in the world that think they are funny when they are not. They are enabled by the pity laugh. There are also thousands of people who are kind of funny in a weird way. Then there are thirty-six of us who are really funny. We have super-advanced, almost supernaturally advanced if you will, senses of humor and we can detect sarcasm up to 18 miles away by scent alone. It is an extremely elite club that I am proud to be not only a member of but also the president and founder of.

The least funny person of our elite members-only group is a gal named Brenda. We have an almost imperceptible, but really visible, rivalry with each other. I think she’s really jealous of the fact that not only am I funny, but I’m not really fucking dumb either. She keeps on saying that I have an issue with her Birkenstocks and I don’t. I do not give a shit what kind of shoes she wears or who she sleeps with at night. At the end of the day, it really boils down to the fact that she is a level two funny and a level nine passive-aggressive. Her afflictions are numerous and her laugh is atrocious. But, beyond that, she’s a great person.

I, myself, take pride in the fact that I am a level 10 funny and also level 10.5 aggressive. No, I didn’t spell that twice. I’m so aggressive, they gave me an extra half-point above the limit. To put it in a perspective that you peasants can understand, it would be kind of like having an A-type personality but much harder than that.

There is nothing more offensive to me than when someone either fake laughs or laughs earlier than your punch line. They are placating you. Or they’re trying to hide the fact that they are one of the 10% of the population born with no sense of humor. Most of those people all live in Ohio by the way. Much like chimpanzees can mimic humans, those born without a sense of humor learn to mimic those that do. This is so they aren’t killed off since they are technically a weaker species, being born without humor. They wouldn’t know funny if it came up and hit them in the face.

Like all great comedic geniuses, I would rather hear the sweet, sweet sound of silence than the grating guffaw of a fake laugh.

So you might not be in the majority, who KNOWS this affliction is worse than premature ejaculation, but I am.

Don’t laugh at a joke if you do not find it funny. You are just instigating more bad jokes. Isn’t the world bad enough as it is?


Real Estate Agent, Landlord, Micro-Investor and Finance Specialist. Enjoys sarcasm, wit, wine and writing. Dogs are the answer to everything.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Google photo

You are commenting using your Google account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s