When a simple no will not suffice
I like the smell of the autumn air, the taste of wine, the sound of a baby laughing, and the sight of a douchebag getting put in his place. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a mean or evil person. But, as someone with a vagina, I get tired of unsolicited advances. I won’t lie about taking some pleasure in rejecting the unwanted pick up lines and attempts with the following amazing responses.
I do not send one signal out that I am interested in being picked up or even that I know how to smile. And, yet, the creepiest creepers this side of the Mason Dixon line will find me like a beacon in the night. My messenger is ridiculous with the amount of unsolicited creeps that fill it up constantly.
I also enjoy savagely rejecting men or women who try to pick me up with ridiculous pick up lines. I call them my anti-pick up lines. I’ve learned a few of them from other people, some online, and others are complete originals created on the spot by yours truly.
Take the following scenarios and make them work according to your actual situation.
Him: Can I buy you a drink?
Me: I’d rather just have the cash.
Him: Do you come here often?
Me: Yes. I’ve been waiting for the man of my dreams to come to me and now you’re here. Let me grab my six kids out of my van and we will go back to my place.
Him: Do you want to come to my place Saturday?
Me: Sorry. My explosive diarrhea is happening on Saturday.
Him: Can I get your digits? (This is slang for asking for your phone number)
Me: Sure (give him local STD clinic phone number)
Him: He texts you a picture of his penis,otherwise known as a d**k pic.
Me: Why are you sending me pictures of little boy’s penises?! I am calling the police, you are a disgusting perv!
Him: It’s 2020. Don’t be afraid to ask me out.
Me: Okay. Would you do me the honor of exiting the building as quickly as possible?
I hope these responses will help you as much as they have helped me. There is something liberating about turning the tables on unwanted and dumb advances. Maybe if we take a stand, we can actually bring back manners. Or at least a class on clear signs that someone is open to advances. Or, if I”m completely delusional, maybe we can start a new trend with romantic undertones instead of creepy ones.