Peacocks do not get enough respect as animals. They are continually overlooked and undervalued when compared to the rest of the animal kingdom. This confuses me because they are beautiful, majestic, and fabulous to a degree unheard of from the rest of the peasants… I mean, animals. I feel myself relating to this undervalued bird more often than I care to admit. So many people identify with lions and tigers and use their image to post on memes as a reflection of who their character is. Sorry, Ronald, but you’re more like a scraggly rooster. Let’s be real here. Brenda, you’re not a lioness, but you are a honey badger.

I, myself, have always related to the Peacock and like to consider it my spirit animal. We have more in common than I would care to admit. My sister would tell you I only relate to it because it has the word cock in its name. That is not true at all. That is only an added benefit. A bitchcock would be a much better title for the peacock, or me, but no one has gotten back to me yet about changing the name yet.

The bird is attired in an especially ostentatious manner some would consider to be gaudy and I would consider to be amazing! It’s like I always say, “The more glitter and rhinestones, the better!” Or “The higher the hair, the closer to God.” My friend, the peacock, also showboats all around, proud as hell in its fabulous getup. In the 90’s, I also did that, but I was clad in a full denim outfit, formerly known as the Texas tuxedo.

The male peacock, especially, shows off his fabulous and extravagant tail feathers during mating season. He will fluff his butt (tail) out as far as it can go and strut his little heart out. I have done this myself and I’ve also had plenty of men show me up with their outfits. I can also relate to using my fiercest outfit as a ploy to seduce as I dance around the other sex (or just whoever is at Steak and Shake at the moment of my glory).

Few people are able to tell if a peacock is a female or a male unless they are a bird expert. Some may know the facts surrounding the genitalia of birds for other reasons that I am not aware of existing. But, I’m guessing the majority can’t tell. Many of you may not get the old SNL reference, but this bird is much like Pat on the skit show (from a few decades back). Sex is indeterminable. Is it a girl? Is it a boy? I don’t know, but I know it’s beautiful.

She/he is also beautiful, but don’t be fooled, it is feisty and will f$&k you up! I hear you and I understand you, my flashy bird twin with little man syndrome. I too have anger that far outweighs what I’m actually capable of.

We are also connected in the fact that, like me, it also screams when it wants attention. I have been known to talk super loud because I am under the impression people can’t hear the unbelievably witty remarks I’m making, but more often than not, they can and just aren’t impressed. I have been known to screech a few times too.

I could go on and on but I think I’ll just add Bitchcock to my resume. The more attributes the better. You can keep on pretending you’re a jaguar, Dick.

I have started my life over from the ground up multiple times for multiple reasons, usually because I made a bad decision in regards to who I picked as a partner to share my life with. Each time I picked myself up off the ground, I would say to myself, “Here I go again. I’m back at the bottom with nothing to show for everything I’ve done so far.” But I was wrong.

Starting over again so many times left me stronger, smarter, and only increased my perseverance. It wiped my slate clean in more than one way. It’s easier to clean people out of your life when you’re at the bottom. Because the fake ones in your life tend to disappear then. The trash takes its self out.

You can grow, reform, and reinvent yourself as many times as it takes or as often as you want. There is no rule saying otherwise. You don’t have to settle into society’s expectation or your parents’ expectations. Keep evolving and moving or stay stagnant if that’s what you want. Do whatever makes you happy in this short life you get to lead. I think when you stop growing and changing is when you stop living. Just be glad that it’s not 1899 and you’re not stuck with a jackass for life.

Always be open to trying new things and meeting new people.

I value all of my friends, old and new, but I am still always open to meeting new people that will bring something different to my life. There’s not one person in my life that has not either added value or taught me a lesson.

Trying new things is something I consistently have to work at because I am always ready to fall back on the comfort of my routine. There is not much more attractive to me than my couch, my pajamas, and my glass of wine in hand each night. With that being said, getting out of my comfort zone has always only been good for me. Being complacent and routine driven is what most people center their lives around. The one percent that doesn’t end up going further than they ever thought possible.

Keep moving.

Start at the bottom if you have to but don’t stay there. Use the bottom as a stepping stone to the next level in life. Don’t get stuck working minimum-wage at a job you can barely stand. You will spend most of your life working so make it somewhere worthwhile doing something you enjoy. You won’t ever get back those days or years you lose so be intentional with your decisions. I have to remind myself often that life is about leveling up.

Evaluate

Consistently evaluate and eliminate people, places, or things that don’t bring value, joy, or support into your life. Life is too short to be spending it surrounded by fake friends or back stabbers or “Debbie Downers”. And when you mess up, don’t be afraid to apologize, but then move on. Everybody messes up.

Change Often

Feel free to change your hair, your attitude, your surroundings, and your mantra as much as you want, but please don’t cut your bangs after you’ve been drinking. I wish someone in the medical community would explain why this happens during every woman’s emotional turmoil. It has to be an actual symptom of a mental illness. It is as if an internal instinct pops up telling you that if your bangs get chopped off everything will be all good.

Love Yourself

Always compliment yourself because you are only what you believe you are. If you are self deprecating all the time, you will start to believe these things about yourself. Knowing that, we can assume the opposite is also true. So tell yourself that you are a beautiful person, perfect spouse, and an amazing friend on a daily basis. You can try throwing in a millionaire. That one hasn’t manifested for me yet, but I am consistently trying.

Gratitude

Above all else, practice gratitude. Be thankful for everything in your life that you have and less focused on what you don’t have.

---

You will not get it right all at once. I find that I keep getting better with every chance I’m given to start anew.

I have been a single parent to my children in one form or another most of my life. Turning my rowdy boys into good men falls squarely on my shoulders. I’m not going to lie. It is extremely overwhelming to have that all riding on me. I’ve been known to screw up a lot. And this is something that I just cannot get wrong.

I am blessed to have a good husband now, but my kids are older and I really could have used him about ten years ago.

How To Treat Women

My main goal in life is to make sure my boys treat the women, or significant other, in their life the way they should. Knowing they saw the way I was treated bothers me and I hope that they don’t resort to those methods when they are frustrated or angry.

And, God forbid, I ever find out if my boys have hit a woman or verbally abused her. My boys are sweet and smart young men so I really don’t think I have anything to worry about. But that’s what all stupid parents say.

How To Be Sensitive

My boys will never be shamed for crying or showing emotion. I want them to know from day one that they are able to process their emotions as they see fit and deal with them in their own manner.

Obviously, I will work hard to ensure that their manner of dealing with life and its ugly side is legal and healthy, but suppressing emotions will not be encouraged. They will be taught that real men are vulnerable.

Housework

They are just now getting used to having a man in the house again with us, but they see him cooking and cleaning as often as I do. He works shorter hours than I do so oftentimes, he does more than I do.

I want them to know that no matter how they choose to live their grown-up lives, they need to be able to handle all or most of the chores themselves. The ladies (or men or whoever) will thank me later because there is nothing sexier than watching a man do housework.

Balance

Having balance in every aspect of your life is a lesson it took me many, many years to learn. I hope especially that they understand the importance of balance in relationships.

Treating women, or whoever they may be with, the right way is hugely important. It’s also important that they know that in a two-person relationship someone always gives more than the other. So, logically, someone else also takes more than the other.

It’s important to set boundaries and not give away too much of your heart or life before it has been earned. I would hate to see them getting stomped all over because then I will be going to jail. And I don’t have the mouth for surviving in jail.

Sexuality

I hope to be able to teach my sons to be secure in their skin no matter if they are straight or homosexual. They will know not to judge anyone based on who they love, the color of their skin, or what their genitalia may be. This life is hard enough without grasping for reasons to hate our fellow man.

At the end of the day, I hope all of my children will know I did the best I could. I showed up every day, even when I didn’t want to or was sick. I know I made mistakes, but I am proud of all four of my children and I know that they know how much I love them. That much I can be sure of.

---

To all the people out there that know they need to be healthier but they positively hate every aspect of healthy living, I see you. I hear you, too. I am you. I love wine,doughnuts, and couch time. I promised my family recently, after a sudden death in our family, that I would become a healthier, fitter version of myself. I clearly meant one day in the future, but they took it to mean I meant immediately. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I must have been partaking in mimosas and ambivalence that day.

After many lengthy “discussions” (that’s what adults call arguing), I decided to give the health nut lifestyle a try but to do it in my own way. I actually ended up enjoying myself. I am about to break it down for y’all should you want to have some fun and get fit at the same time (or have fun and get lit, whichever works for you).

Gym

My husband and I have had a gym membership for over two years, but I have only made it there a couple of times due to finding better things to do. I don’t think my husband has gone much either, but who am I to argue with him about that? Especially since I really don’t care if he goes or not. Going back to the gym was first on my to do list due to the obvious reasons, in addition to the fact that I had been paying for it the last two years.

When I got to the gym, obviously no one knew me, so I tried being a good little woman and hopped on a bike headed for nowhere. After five minutes, I got bored and left. Not before tagging myself at the gym through Facebook though, and splashing my face with water so I’d be glistening with “sweat”. I also posted a glistening update on Instagram. My husband was very impressed. I now go to the gym to tag myself there three times a week and my hubby swears I have never looked better! Make sure all the gym rats know you are not there to pick up a man in a muscle shirt.

Hydration

It is so important to always stay hydrated, especially when working out. If you believe that water is a disgusting, poor man’s version of vodka (like I do), start with one cup of water a day. You can build your tolerance up, much like wine, to the recommended levels of nine hundred glasses per day. Be prepared to urinate often. I mean, a lot.

Diet

It is so, so important, according to Dr. Phil, that one eats a diet full of fruits and vegetables. I guess this helps you maintain the healthy living lifestyle easier? Or you poop more and by default seem to be skinnier? I don’t know, don’t question me or Dr. Phil, just do it.

When you do your weekly shopping for health nut items, make sure to buy all the available granola in the store. Walk outside to the nearest dumpster and throw it all in the damn dumpster! We all have a moral obligation to reduce human suffering.

Set up a table outside the gym or grocery store and let everyone know that a glass of sangria IS considered a fruit and should be legally required to be part of your daily intake. Don’t forget to put a sign on the table that says, “THE MORE YOU KNOW” in bold. Have other facts handy for them to peruse also. Such as pamphlets on the danger of almond milk and drinking too many energy drinks will cause your name to spontaneously change to Kyle.

Stress

According to the statistics I just made up, 90% of all accidents are caused from stress. Stress can, and will, affect every single part of your body. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure stress has caused my breasts to start the downward sag. Taking stress relieving matters into your own hands is an absolute must. Some people like to meditate (sleep sitting up), others like to play golf, and normal people use wine and puppies.

Another great idea for stress reduction, which I remembered after re-reading my diary from seventh grade, is to pack your shit and move to an island immediately. Make double or even triple sure that nobody is able to contact you and the media is not accessible.

Level 5 — Extreme Danger

Much like I make up statistics, I also make up different levels of the health and workout addict. Gym goers are a solid level three. But the supreme being of health nuts is the dangerously lethal combination of the Crossfit/Vegan obsessed weirdo. Nobody, and I mean nobody, in the history of the ancient and prehistoric sport Crossfit, has ever met their match against someone who does Crossfit and is also a vegan. That’s right. They are rare, but they do exist.

One of my favorite things to do while I am supposedly “getting fit” is to go to the local vegan restaurant, Soy, and talk really loud. I start by belittling Crossfit and continually increase my volume. By the time I shout, “ Vegan’s suck!” and “Crossfit men have little pecker syndrome”, everyone is mad. That’s okay though, because most of them are lacking nutrients and can’t catch up to you to hit you with their trendy hipster backpacks. Once everyone is riled into full awareness, I take my milkshake flavored with grass and hightail it on out of there and back to my house.

The moral of the story is I love being fit.