Posted in Humor, Life, Satire

3 Ways To Let Down That Man At The Gas Station

How to let him know you can’t love him like he deserves

A man smiling at a woman at a gas station.

I am a creature of routine. Every morning, I stop at the same gas station on the way to work to get my coffee or snacks or gas. Yes, I know this is a frivolous expense. I decided to cut corners elsewhere, OK? Back off.

Anyway, let’s get back on point. At the same gas station, there’s a man who thinks I am the love of his life. Well, he thinks I am and every other woman that comes in there is, too.

I’m not sure if he’s drunk or on crack or just extremely horny. Regardless, he doesn’t seem to want to take no as an answer. I have tried letting him down gently and I have tried telling him to f**k off. Nothing will throw this man off of his intense mission to find a mate at the Circle K.

My first attempt to shake him off went like this. He moseyed up behind me as I waited in line at the gas station, Cheezy Puffs in hand. He got extremely close to me standing in line and I could smell his beer breath on my neck. Every woman’s favorite.

He put his ice cold, forty ounce Natural Ice on my back, which was showing at the top of my dress, causing me to jump and yell, “Fucktard!” He then proceeded to apologize and segued straight into asking me if I wanted to fornicate behind the dumpster. Has there ever been a more beautiful moment?

But, alas, I was/am married. I just asked him, “Who the hell do you think you are?” Before he could answer, I scurried off to my job as this happened at 7:30 in the morning.

Take 2

He tried again a week later. This time, it was right after work. I popped in to buy a bottle of wine and a lottery ticket. I finished my transaction and was about to walk out the door when I heard him slur, “Hey, girl! You want to give Daddy a dollar?”

I looked around, but saw no one who seemed to be his father. At this point, I started to get annoyed. I mean, who pretends to beg for his father? Still, being the southern lady that I am, I just told him to fuck off and went about my day.

Take 3

About a month later, I popped into my gas station and this time I was in a bad mood. Picture the witch song from The Wizard of Oz playing as I walked in. It was definitely playing in my head. I was in a straight bitch mood. Which kind of excuses me from my behavior when Dingleberry hits on me again.

This time I can’t remember what he said exactly. I do remember he smelled like beer, pork rinds, and body odor. I just brushed past him, saying, “I’m married, but I’m only attracted to turtles anyway so you will never have a chance.”

I was such a bitch.

Take 4

The next day. I was back and I felt bad. I also felt disgusted. This guy was starting to get on my nerves. I told him I was married, but he didn’t care. I didn’t go to the gas station to get harassed.

I walked in and got my coffee. I stood in a small line waiting my turn to check out. I checked out.

Looking around, I didn’t see him, hear him, or smell him. Growing concerned, I looked around and left.


I have been back for thirteen days straight trying to find this drunk lunatic. I would like to tell him he doesn’t have a chance with me. I would also like to slap him for making me worry. Where is he? Is he okay? Is he thinking about me?


Posted in Cleaning, Life

9 Valuable Hacks To Make Cleaning Absolutely Easy

We have to clean, but we don’t have to like it

A woman points her clorox bleach cleaner at dirt and grime.
Clorox bleach is the shizzle

More cleaning tips and hacks from the laziest housekeeper in America or, quite possibly, the world. You are welcome in advance. If there is a lazy, fast way to clean something, I’ll find out about it. And then, I’ll write an article about it.

There are actually some people who enjoy cleaning. There are also weirdos that love going to the dentist. I enjoy the results, but not the action. That’s why I am always on the lookout for shortcuts. Other times, I just try to find a hiding spot or fake an injury of some nature.

1. Clean narrow vases, bottles, and other odd shaped items by filling them with hot water and dropping in a tablet of denture cleaner. At a certain age, especially in the south, we all inherit or buy knick knacks. I’m sure it’s no different in the other parts of the United States. Take your knicks, gather your knacks and throw them in a bucket of hot water with a few denture cleaners in it. Bam! Knick knacks are clean. Repeat for paddywacks. Finish, by giving dog a bone.

2. Garbage disposals stink like rotten food and trash cans if you don’t clean them. There are a lot of different ways to clean disposals. I tend to alternate between baking soda and putting lemon/lime rinds in to deodorize and freshen. Working in property management for the last twenty years I can assure you, without a doubt, that 90% of society do not know how to use a garbage disposal properly.

3. I hate grapefruit. When God was making that fruit I know he was planning a prank on someone. It looks delicious. It tastes like my ex-husband’s soul. But it does come in handy for scrubbing tubs and showers. Cut one in half because, let’s face it, no one will eat that on purpose. Sprinkle it with salt. I like to use Kosher because it is not as fine. Then scrub away those stubborn stains!

4. Some carpet stains can be removed with vodka. I like to share the vodka with the stain. I have fun and the stain gets removed!

5. Is your sink stained with rust or soap gunk? Clean it after pouring on a solution of coke and cologne. Mix about 1/2 and 1/2, it won’t take a large quantity, spray and wipe it up. I would not recommend using $100 bottle of cologne for this. But this article is not about finances, so do what you want to.

6. I hate cleaning ovens. It is, by far, my least favorite chore for a number of reasons. I try to make it less strenous on my forty year old back by removing the oven racks and putting them in the tub to soak in oven cleaner for a few hours.

7. You can remove water marks from the glass shower door by cleaning them with shaving cream. Shave your legs, or whatever may need shaving, and then clean the shower. I love things that are able to be used in multiple ways!

8. WD-40 is fantastic at getting out blood and other tough stains from carpet or any fabric at all. it comes in very handy if you have a family full of teenage boys. Grease and blood seems to be a constant with red dirt thrown in.

9. Run a few denture tablets through a coffee pot to clean the buildup and excess grossness that is hiding in places you haven’t even thought about looking yet.


I hope these tips will help you do this with half the effort. I know I put almost no effort in anything. Especially since turning forty. I’ve also started shouting, “Get off of my lawn!” sporadically.

If you know of any other good tips, please feel free to share them with me!


Posted in Humor, Life

Amazing Tested Responses For Rejecting Dumb Pick Up Lines

When a simple no will not suffice

A man flicks the bird to a woman rejecting his advances.
Unsplash

I like the smell of the autumn air, the taste of wine, the sound of a baby laughing, and the sight of a douchebag getting put in his place. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a mean or evil person. But, as someone with a vagina, I get tired of unsolicited advances. I won’t lie about taking some pleasure in rejecting the unwanted pick up lines and attempts with the following amazing responses.

I do not send one signal out that I am interested in being picked up or even that I know how to smile. And, yet, the creepiest creepers this side of the Mason Dixon line will find me like a beacon in the night. My messenger is ridiculous with the amount of unsolicited creeps that fill it up constantly.

I also enjoy savagely rejecting men or women who try to pick me up with ridiculous pick up lines. I call them my anti-pick up lines. I’ve learned a few of them from other people, some online, and others are complete originals created on the spot by yours truly.

Take the following scenarios and make them work according to your actual situation.


Him: Can I buy you a drink?

Me: I’d rather just have the cash.

Him: Do you come here often?

Me: Yes. I’ve been waiting for the man of my dreams to come to me and now you’re here. Let me grab my six kids out of my van and we will go back to my place.

Him: Do you want to come to my place Saturday?

Me: Sorry. My explosive diarrhea is happening on Saturday.

Him: Can I get your digits? (This is slang for asking for your phone number)

Me: Sure (give him local STD clinic phone number)

Him: He texts you a picture of his penis,otherwise known as a d**k pic.

Me: Why are you sending me pictures of little boy’s penises?! I am calling the police, you are a disgusting perv!

Him: It’s 2020. Don’t be afraid to ask me out.

Me: Okay. Would you do me the honor of exiting the building as quickly as possible?


I hope these responses will help you as much as they have helped me. There is something liberating about turning the tables on unwanted and dumb advances. Maybe if we take a stand, we can actually bring back manners. Or at least a class on clear signs that someone is open to advances. Or, if I”m completely delusional, maybe we can start a new trend with romantic undertones instead of creepy ones.


Posted in Death, Life

How Tragedy Turned My Life Around Positively

My sister’s death from cancer opened my eyes to life

A victorious woman holds her arm up in the air with a closed fist.
The hardest times always show us something.

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” — T.S. Elliot

My sister’s death from sudden, aggressive lung cancer changed who I am as a person forever. I know, without a doubt, that I will never be the same Kylie again.

We all are aware that death is inevitable. But, it still hurts in a way unlike any other pain when it happens, especially sudden and tragic deaths. Healing does happen and I know this. Her loss was not my first just my most sudden and tragic. I have buried a husband and my father, but this death just hit me differently and out of nowhere.

I woke up the day after her death, expecting to feel the heaviness of grief. And I did. But I also realized immediately that I was a changed person who, going forward, would be living life differently. I suddenly understood I had been holding myself back in almost all areas of my entire life. I was living my life by trying to avoid attention. I was not being who I really wanted to be. Life was suddenly an extremely fragile thing that I had been wasting for years on mediocrity. I would no longer waste a second that was given to me.

Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world.

Jane Addams

What stops us from trying new things? In my opinion, it is due to the opinion’s of our peers or the people we consider to be the closest to us. Why? Because we know the masses are uncomfortable with being different than the rest and with change of any kind. A lot of conformists want everyone around them to be leery and rejecting of anything different than the status quo. I refuse, adamantly, to live my life like that going forward.

The masses have always viewed anyone who does, looks, or acts differently than the rest of society as odd or outcasts. I find that herd mentally extremely disturbing. Why can’t the different personalities be beautiful or brave instead of outcasts or troublemakers? Personally, I find bland and normal people to be boring as hell and shallow.

What would our lives look like if we took chances, fought back or rocked the boat sometimes instead of cowering? Is the fear of failure or embarrassment really that big of a deal? I don’t understand, because I do not care if people like me or not. What if we had taken more chances? What could we have accomplished by now? Would cancer be cured? Would my sister be alive?

So, I decided in my grief that I would live my life without fear holding me back from anything. I owe this to her beautiful soul. I will never take my life for granted again. She did not want to die. I will live for her now. I will keep her memory alive in her granddaughter, Piper, that she never knew was coming or got to see.

My main goal is to go sliding feet first into my grave. I want the gossips to keep busy by talking about me. I want to have lived a large, exciting, meaningful life filled with amazing moments and memories astounding enough to be talked about in my family for generations to come. I will not accept my fate as being one of the other sheep in this world.

I started my new found way of living by deciding to follow my dream of writing. This was a huge deal to me because I had always let the opinions of others hold me back in this regard. The value of other’s opinions died along with my sister. I started writing and I have not stopped since. Much to my family’s chagrin. I have a lot I still need to get out.

I write more humor pieces than anything. I do this because I have used humor as a coping mechanism my whole existence. There is nothing that I can not twist and mold to turn into a laughable situation. I am comforted in my grief by the memory of her laughing at my antics.

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.

Goethe

I have started a website, started blogging, joined Medium, and haven’t looked back. Am I a huge success? No. However, success is subjective. Writing makes me happy. That makes it a success in my eyes. And, going forward, my opinion is the only one that I will validate.

From now until the end of my days, if I want to do something or experience life, I’m going to do it. Haters riding on my life train can get off at any time. I sincerely hope they do. I am not blind to a few of my friends and the fickleness they show with their support. The time has come for fake friends or people with less than pure intentions to exit my life. That way, I will have room for more supportive people to enter my life. I am definitely ready for some new passengers on my figurative life train.

I will no longer make any apologies or explanations for anything I do. I am different and I am loud. I am too much of a woman for some and too little of a woman to others. I am not here to follow. I am here to lead. I am me. I am proud of who I am and I am free for the first time in my forty one years. And it feels amazing.

I have the full love, support, and acceptance of my husband. He has embraced every change that I have made and fully supported every shenanigan and/or scheme that I have ever come up with. Whether it ends up being successful or not in the end.

I also have the support of my other sister who is my best friend in this world and has been since I was born. Even if my writing is terrible, she knows it is a healing process for me and builds me up every chance she gets. I also support her in how she expresses her own grief which is in a very different and private way.

Let us resolve to be masters, not the victims, of our history, controlling our own destiny without giving way to blind suspicions and emotions.

John Kennedy

As far as the memory of my lost sister goes, I can still hear her sweet voice when I close my eyes. I know she would be supportive of me. I miss her everyday and I am prepared to live the remainder of my life missing her. But, instead of focusing on all that I have lost and my sadness, I am going to focus on living and making myself, and her, proud.

Posted in Finance, Life, money

My 7 Favorite Dave Ramsey Tips

I wish I could be his obnoxious, female equivalent

Beautiful artwork that resembles money.

Almost everybody knows who Dave Ramsey is. No, he’s not Jon Benet’s father. I’m talking about Dave Ramsey, financial expert and advisor extraordinaire. He is the financial world’s equivalent to Dr. Phil. He is able to convey financial and money matters in a way that all who hear it can understand it.

I wish I could be the female version of Ramsey. But, alas, I am not eloquent and I like to party a little too much. So, in his honor, I would like to share my favorite Dave Ramsey tips.

1. Open, fill, and maintain an emergency fund in case you lose your job or a catastrophe happens. This is typically three months of living expenses.

2. The power of focusing. Pay off one small debt at a time instead of trying to do all of them or multiple ones at once. This is called, according to Dave, a debt snowball. It is a lot less stressful and a lot more feasible than trying to pay off everything at one time.

3. Use cash to pay for everything. If you can’t afford to pay cash, you can’t afford it. Credit should be saved for emergency situations.

4. Invest 15% in retirement. Unfortunately, I cannot allocate that much, but I hope to be able to get there soon. I would love to go back and slap younger me for not starting earlier.

5. Live poor now so you can live rich later.

6. Never, ever buy a new car. They depreciate as soon as you drive off of the lot. This is just not a smart move at all, financially. In all fairness, my dad taught me this long before Ramsey did.

7. Pay off your mortgage early. That’s one less debt you will have upon retiring.

Dave Ramsey is a favorite of mine because he doesn’t over complicate things. Sometimes, it really is as simple as it sounds.

You can see from the above tips how easily you can change your life and your finances. After taking the first step in the right direction, the next steps come much easier. Take the first step towards being debt free.

Posted in Career, Humor, Life

How To Know You’re Successful

The Subtle Signs Of Success

Yellow mustard or Dijon? I think you know the answer to that question

Success is a stalker. He eases up behind you without any notice if you’re not paying attention. And you won’t be paying attention because, to gain success, you’ll be hard at work.

Sometimes, we are so hard at work we don’t notice the signs of success starting to surround us. I am here to bring awareness to those signs as they show up, as subtle as they may be.

Money

The first sign of success will be that you have money in your account instead of zero or negative. You may even have CASH in your wallet. This is often the most blatant sign and is usually pretty clear. But I am not immune to the fact that some of my readers are not very smart. I’m doing what I can to spell out even this very big, blatant sign of success for you.

Sugar

Shortly after starting to succeed, you will notice a change in your sugar. Suddenly, loose sugar just doesn’t cut it anymore. You will only take your sugar in cubes. This does make baking hard, I won’t lie. You might even find yourself shopping for a crystal bowl to store your cubes

Taste Buds

You will no longer taste things the same once you experience success. Yellow mustard won’t cut it anymore. You will have to have a Dijon blend. You sure as hell won’t eat catfish anymore. It will only be a bland white fish. Your water will have to be sparkling. You will find a ding-dong, either kind, at the gas station, disgusting.

You will actually get offended when people offer you the condiments of the peasants. Try to keep that reigned in. Nobody likes an asshole, successful or not.

Pronunciation

I’m sure by now you’ve already guessed that when you become successful you will start pronouncing things differently. The first thing is you will call a vase a vaz. You will sound classy as f**k.

A potato will be pronounced a potah-toe.

Target will be Tarjay.

Don’t fight it. You’ll only end up looking foolish.

Clothing

You will always look like you are going sailing. It doesn’t matter where you live or what you are actually going to do. It will always look like you are going sailing.


I hope these tips help you as much as they have not helped me. Since, I’m not successful. Obviously.