Posted in Humor, Life, life lessons, Satire

No More Mrs. Nice Gal: Introducing The New Improved Me

Posted on by Kylie

My decision to join the ones I couldn’t beat

A happy woman lays on the bed of beautiful flowers.
Photo by Unsplash

The old me, from yesterday, was a nice, spineless idiot. The new version of me will be ruthless and successful by any means necessary, legal or otherwise. Unless it comes down to having to kick a puppy. I’m not doing that.

I would love to make you a list of everything that my integrity has gotten me in my life. But, you literally would be reading a list of nothing. Because, it has gotten me nowhere and nothing at all. Nowhere good, anyway.

I have been an average person my entire life. I’m not beautiful and not ugly. I’m not smart and not dumb. The only thing I excel at is being funny and usually at the expense of my own dignity. In case you’re wondering, there’s not a huge job market for funniness and my boss tends to not fathom sarcasm most of the time.

Despite these issues, I have always worked harder than most others just because I’ve always had to. What I’m trying to say, is that I don’t love working myself to death. And I’m hoping one day I can cut back to 50 hours a week or less.

Failure will never take me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

Og Handino

Average face and IQ aside, I have always had a high moral standard. This is the truth, despite any videos you’ve seen on Facebook or what my face may look like. I most assuredly have resting bitch face, but that does not mean that I’m a bitch or that I ever rest.

I’ve never cheated on anybody and I try to be honest as often as I can be. I’m not a religious person, but I do my part to help people when I can. I try not to be mean to people unless they absolutely provoke it.

My intentions were to lead a life full of laughter and moral integrity. But I have since figured out that if I ever want to get ahead in this shitshow of a life, I need to join the rest of society. They figured out a long time ago that you can only get ahead in life by stepping on the hands of others. So I am going to take my shot at being a douche bag, but I will apologize as I do it.

I could’ve been a gold digging ho and had a much easier life, but I chose to work hard and married two losers out of love instead. I could’ve been not lonely for so many years, but I chose not to cheat. I stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of my family. I could have gone to college on a full scholarship, but I chose to get pregnant at 19.

Yes, I know I’m the product of my own choices. But in my defense, I’ve been making pretty good ones since I was 20, but my life is continuing to not improve alongside of my maturity level. What I mean by my maturity level, is my old age.

Our ability to achieve happiness and success depends on the strength of our wings.

Catherine Pulsifer

So many times I could’ve made the choice that would’ve made my life easier, but I said no strictly on the basis of my integrity. Now the clock of death is ticking and I only have so much time to make anything of my life.

So, at the tinder young age of 41, I have finally realized that integrity doesn’t mean shit and nobody cares. I am, as what my son likes to say, woke.

Starting today, I am shoving my integrity up somebody’s butt. I’ll announce the winner later. From now on, if I have to ride people’s backs like a spider monkey to get ahead, I will do it.

As far as my former rule to never snitch on anybody goes, because I didn’t want to get stitches, stitches make for pretty cool scars eventually.

Morals, brutal honesty, and integrity has gotten me two failed marriages, the death of one husband, a lifetime of struggle, debt and chaos. The honesty part has also gotten me written up in HR nineteen times.

But on a lighter note, I can handle stress really well. And you can only go up when you’re at the bottom. I also have a lot of street credibility because I will go ballistic on somebody despite my angelic undertones. You can’t fail harder when you’ve already failed completely.

Today marks a new day in the existence of Kylie. I’m going to be somewhere between the former saintly Kylie and that annoying Kardashian one. I can’t totally throw my morals away all in one sitting. Using hard work and dedication, maybe I’ll actually succeed at quitting my morals.

I am motivated and willing to make the changes needed to one day say that I am a mediocre success instead of an abject failure. Fingers crossed.

Lastly, I would like to point out to my former fifth grade teacher that I am motivating AF. She loved calling me Eeyore because I didn’t walk around smiling like a dumbass all day. So you can suck on that, Mrs. Smith. One day soon, I will show everybody.

So keep an eye out for my name and not in a bad way. But make sure it’s my name, not the Kardashian.

Originally posted on Medium.com.

Advertisement
Posted in Humor, Ideas, Life, Satire

How To Get Banned From Arbys

Posted on by Kylie
I never said it was easy, I only said it was worth it
A delicious plate of Arby’s food. 
See Above Photo Creds

I wonder if Arby’s is thinking about me right now. Or did they think about me yesterday? Is there is a bulletin board somewhere in the Arby’s corporate office with my picture on it? Did they fax it to all the locations? Is this how I will finally get my 15 minutes of fame?

One wouldn’t think it would be so easy to get banned from the roast beef sandwich restaurant chain. Otherwise known as Arby’s. Turns out, it is easier than most of my goals have been thus far. And I only failed once before I was successful. My normal numbers usually reflect a 43 to 1 failure ratio. Everyone has to be good at something, right?

Let me be the first, and probably the only, to tell you that when you are denied horsey sauce it is the only thing that will consume your mind. It is almost actually like drug withdrawal symptoms.

Which leads me to believe there is more than just mayonnaise and/or horseradish contributing to the white color in the sauce. There is crack in it, too. And possibly some bath salts. But, I don’t want to start any rumors.

I have endured six months of hell and one weekend in jail since I’ve been banned from Arby’s. And I have not just been banned from the one Arbys in my town. I have been permanently banned from all of them.

Just kidding. I’ve never been banned from Arby’s. But I’m here to tell you about the things you could do to get banned from Arby’s. That way, you can never say you didn’t know.

I don’t want anyone ever to suffer a life without curly fries in it because they were uneducated. You can’t buy frozen curly fries and expect the same result as the Arby’s kind. What kind of a life is that?

Don’t worry, I’m qualified to educate on this subject. My sister used to work with someone whose father managed an Arby’s.

Yell

Apparently, Christine Baskets doesn’t own all of the Arby’s. If you don’t know who Christine Baskets is, you need to finish reading this and then go watch every season of Baskets on Hulu.

Anyway, if you ask any of the workers to slap you with a roast beef sandwich you will get banned or at least asked to leave politely if it’s your first offense.

They really hate it if you ask them to hit you with a roast beef sandwich while also calling you big mama. I really wish they didn’t discriminate against S&M so much.

Compare a roast beef sandwich to a vagina

They get especially bent out of shape about this one. Even more so if said sandwich looks like shit.

They also hate it when you ask them if they have a penis shaped sandwich to go with your roast beef sandwich. Accuse him of being sexist and misogynistic. It should supply an equal opportunity bounty of phallic food. Also, they should have a non-gender specific, neutrally shaped, non-binary food as well. One has to cover all of the bases or you risk offending someone.

The anatomy of people’s private parts should not be such a taboo subject. This is 2020. People sometimes need to say out loud what everybody is thinking.

But, this stunt is a pretty quick, immediate ban and, fingers crossed, you might even get escorted out.

Crack

Accuse them online, by mail, in internet forums, via phone call, by singing quartet, and by courier that the horsey sauce has crack in it.

If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Sometimes things are too delicious for a reason. And usually, that reason is not a good one. Why do you think all those white women eat kale so often? That’s not a coincidence and it certainly isn’t for the taste. Think people!

I think that they, aka Arby’s, got mad because their cover was blown. The war on drugs starts with all of us. Stay vigilant.

Stay

Managers of Arby’s are extremely stingy about their Wi-Fi. One time, somebody supposedly went in there with a sleeping bag to spend the night.

All they wanted to do was have an all night marathon on Facebook and the manager went absolutely ballistic. The poor soul even bought a cup of water like the sign indicated they should.

It’s not like the poor guy wanted to get on Pornhub and look at feet. He just wanted to have a Facebook marathon session. People are so strict these days.

Animals

Although service animals are allowed in Arby’s per the law, they accused one person of lying when he brought his seeing eye turtle, Turty Von Turtleson, in to enjoy some curly fries.

The man tried to explain logically that the turtle could see the auras of people that had bad intentions. I think that is just as important as seeing people’s faces. It actually might be more important. If you could read peoples intentions by their faces alone, I wouldn’t be married three times now.

We need to start putting more importance on auras and less on beauty pageants. Those are stupid. Even so, Arby’s won’t let you do that there either.

Weddings

I tried to have my third and final wedding on the ritzy side of town. Looking back on it now, I probably was stepping out of my lane and overstepping my boundaries. It wouldn’t be the first time and it definitely won’t be the last. I probably should’ve stayed in the redneck area of town where I belonged.

But the Arby’s over there is amazing. Everything is clean. Even the bathroom. Even the men’s bathroom is clean. Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answer. I know you’re wondering how I know about the men’s bathroom.

But apparently, they don’t need any extra money at that location because they refused to rent out the restaurant to me as a venue for my wedding.

They missed out on a damn good time because we actually ended up having a keg and a dancing goat. The downside was we had to have straight fries instead of curly fries. I bet some people thought we were really impoverished.

Even so, who was the real loser here? Arby’s, that’s who.

Conclusion

As I mentioned earlier in this article, I actually have not ever been banned from any Arby’s restaurant. But, I did go there for lunch one day last week and talked to some employees about all the ways people have gotten kicked out.

I have to admit it did intrigue me. I have now added get kicked out of Arby’s to my bucket list as number 97.

I hope that you have learned some valuable things from reading this. I won’t go as far as to say that I’m a hard-hitting reporter now, but I did interview an Arby’s assistant manager for this article. It was the first of many interviews that I am planning to do in my newfound career.

I plan on doing my next one on Burger King. FYI — they really don’t let you have it your way.

Originally posted in 2021 on Medium.com.

Posted in Christmas, Life

Has Christmas Cheer Evolved Into Christmas Greed?

Posted on by Kylie
I ask the questions and I also answer them. It’s like talking to yourself, but in writing
I woman enjoys looking at Christmas lights during the holiday season.
See Above Photo Creds

If I ask a question and then answer it myself, does that mean I am impatient? No. It means I am either asking a rhetorical question, or trying to have a conversation with my sister.

Could I get ahead financially if Christmas didn’t exist?

I think we can all agree that Christmas has turned into a holiday for capitalism instead of that in which it was truly intended. The birth of Jesus Christ has taken a back seat for so long that you can hardly recognize the original purpose of Christmas. If I had to guess, I would say probably 3/4 of the people celebrating the birth of Jesus, don’t even show up for Christmas services at any church. It has evolved from the birth of a savior into a commercial holiday design to break us financially and boost the economy.

Gift giving has turned away from giving people gifts you want to give them to taking requests and getting into fights over said requests on Black Friday.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am all about boosting the economy and I value the concept of capitalism. However, we have all year to exercise our capitalistic ventures. So, I find it almost offensive to take a sacred date and twist it to become a commercial holiday. Christmas is starting to be a date to worship money. No better than Valentine’s Day. This is a travesty to everybody that died in the name of Christianity, which was a lot of people. In medieval terms, it would’ve been called an excessive butt load.

As I prepare the Christmas list to go shopping for six children, it becomes very clear that they have no earthly idea how much money I make or what kind of bills we have to pay each month. A PlayStation five, iPhone 12 and Gucci shoes are just the tip of the iceberg. The ratchet part of me wants to yell out cuss words and call them names. I hate to tell them, but they will probably be getting sweatsuits and I hope they are happy with that and understand how lucky they are for them to not be windbreakers from the nineties. Which I would have loved as a teenager, by the way.

Parents through no fault of their own, other than being big softies, fall to the manipulation that their children become prey if they are not dressed in the most expensive apparel. I hate to break it to them, but if one provides children with other things, such as a personality and a backbone, those things don’t matter. What kind of message are we sending our children that we buy things we can’t afford so they can fit in socially? We all want to give our children the things we didn’t have, but don’t do it! It does more harm than good, especially when in excess.

As someone who is legally an adult, I don’t care at all if my co-workers or anyone I know are wearing a brand shirt or not. I don’t care how much their shoes cost. I care if they smell good and are relatively clean. I did care, briefly, as a teenager and begged my parents for a leather bomber jacket and Duckhead pants. My parents said no. I survived and learned to live with, and appreciate, what they could afford to give me.

My Christmas as a kid consisted of my parents giving me one nice gift along with a few small ones, which was a whole lot better than the apple and the orange that my mother supposedly got every year. I’m still not sure that is totally true, but I heard about it every Christmas. For that reason and many others, I would never have asked my parents for anything that cost over $500. Actually, I would never ask them for anything that cost over $70.

Extremely high expectations are just another example of how we have coddled our children to the point that they are spoiled and materialistic. I’m not saying to boycott Christmas, because it’s a beautiful holiday. But we shouldn’t let the materialistic aspect of it stress us out to the point of not being able to enjoy it, which is what many parents do every year.

Children will not remember you for what you bought them for Christmas, but they will remember how often you were there for them when they needed you. Going without the items one wants encourages hard work and builds strong character. I have never met anyone with a strong character that was ashamed of having one, nor anyone who didn’t consider it a great trait.

The bottom line is, do what you can afford, give what you want to give, and not one iota more. Personally, providing me and my husband with a strong financial future, so I don’t live in my children’s backyard in a portable storage unit, is more important than purchasing the latest DaBaby sweatshirt for $80.00.

Christmas is a religious holiday and should be honored as such. If you are not religious, but choose to celebrate the holiday anyway, it should be about appreciation, love, gratitude, and giving from your heart. Not giving from a list of $1,000 requests.

Originally posted on Medium.com

Posted in Life, Poetry

Living A Beautiful Life With No Vision

Posted on by Kylie
A poem about living life authentically
A mannequin that looks human.
Photo Creds Above

Human’s identify as everything, but realize little.
For people will take above all else, grumbling when they give.
There are those that will not laugh at pain, their love a beacon.
Find those flowers pushing through the cracks to shine for us.

Protect your time, for it will not come again.
Need nothing, for you alone are the source of all you need.
Hiding blind behind a false facade, trying to wade with the masses.
A false reality preventing a life.

Open fresh eyes to the heaven within.
Heaven lives jointly with hell, in a place only you can get to.
Love forever imitates hate, being two sides of the same coin.
Craving real decency above all else, while escaping intimacy.

Take this short life and use it for living.
Drain the tragic well inside of you.
Having no sight with eyes wide open, for sight comes from the heart.
Living is done from within.
Wasted lives spent in vain, searching outwardly for all that is situated within.

Posted in Death, Depression, Grief, Life, Poetry

Suicide

Posted on by Kylie
Poetry
Two inspirational signs sit behind chain-link fencing. One reads don’t give up and one reads you are not alone.
See above photo credits

Never did she speak her bloody stories.

Vision suffering from depression.

Nobody would know.

Nobody could tell.

Nobody would look.

Complete inaction.

We all are to blame.

Humans worship themselves.

Noticing other souls when convenient.

Success sentences people to happiness.

Not aware other things torch lives.

Feelings kept underground.

Nonchalance makes us careless.

Peace and yielding sometimes comes too late.

Peers talk with distant indifference.

Sitting beside but ions away.

She still speaks with reason.

She must be okay.

Her strangely animated voice heard the latter.

Humanity feels only complacent, never proactive.

Silent, the sadness was blaring.

We are all to blame.

Originally posted November 2020 on Medium

Posted in Depression, Friendships, Life

My Teen Son’s First Heartbreak: Evil In The Form Of A Girl

Posted on by Kylie
I have never met anybody capable of such pure evil
An evil young girl strikes a sexy pose in a grocery store.
See above photo credit

Not much shocks me anymore. Especially the meanness of people. However, everyone that my teen son told, and everyone I told, was shocked and outraged by the sheer callousness of the evil that this young girl doled out. His first heartbreak was worse than most.

I have been through a tremendous amount of stress due to the nastiness of humans in my life. The older I get, the less I expect out of anyone. Even so, I was absolutely shocked when I was confronted with my son’s first heartbreak experience. I remember my first heartbreak like it was yesterday. I wouldn’t say it was the deepest cut, but it was the most shocking as it was my first time feeling broken hearted. Though depressing, I can say that it was a normal first heartbreak. It didn’t have the pure evil element that my son’s did.

The Meeting

They met through friends, but to me it felt like she wasn’t there one day and the next she was a constant fixture. I had red flags immediately. Everyone discounted them as this was my son’s first girlfriend and he has always been my sweet child. Everyone thought I was just being over protective.

It was nothing glaringly obvious. She just said little things that were passive aggressive that I would never have said to my boyfriend’s mother at any time. I chalked it up to bad manners.

They spent every day together and I would often have to kick her out at night. I knew they were having sex and I knew he was in love with her. He drove her 25 miles out to his father’s gravesite, which was a first for him. He had always gone out there alone, once he got his drivers license, and never even had taken a friend.

Things kept up hot and heavy for a few months and then the fighting began. A few weeks later, they took a break. This was supposed to be time away from each other to reassess, according to my son, and was not a full break up. I guess she didn’t get the memo.

Pure Evil

I will never forget his face. It was after midnight and I was sitting at my table on a Friday night working on a mosaic. The door suddenly opened and my son came in. It only took one second for me to register the look on his face. I jumped up and asked him what happened. The following is his account of the situation.

After agreeing to a break, my son was at a friend’s house playing video games and lord only knows what else that a group of boys do together. One of them became quiet and came up to my son to show him his phone.

The video, that was posted on social media, showed my son’s girlfriend, or ex depending on how you interpret the break, with another boy dancing. That in itself wasn’t so bad, but they were dancing on my ex-husband’s grave. My son was devastated and rightfully so. This was the type of meanness that bordered on evil and I was furious as he recounted the situation to me.

Backlash

It took everything in me that was holy to not go to jail over this assault. I prayed and restrained myself. I know that karma will do my dirty work one day. My son’s friends, however, did not show restraint. She immediately regretted what she did and took the video down.

Within days, she called me in tears and pleaded with me to call off the dogs. I told her that I didn’t release the dogs. Her evil behavior did. She was reaping a small amount of what she sowed. She said that her phone was blowing up with angry texts and friends were no longer speaking to her.

After showing no sympathy, she tried to threaten by telling me her mother was going to press charges. I quickly broke down how that would not work and how she was lucky I didn’t press charges. I’m sure that video would break some kind of grave desecration law or online bullying stance. Regardless of my obvious ignorance, I spoke with confidence and she slunk away in defeat.

Conclusion

That was over six months ago. My son still suffers from depression and cries about this humiliation and heartbreak. I still want to serve her a heaping dose of punishment, but I have to believe that karma will come for her eventually. Karma has her own timing.

In the meantime, I pray everyday that this stupid girl hasn’t stolen the goodness, trust, and love from my son while he is still only a teenager. I hope he can chalk it up to one bad apple in a bucket of amazing ones. He just happened to have gotten a very bad first taste of love gone bad.

Originally posted on Medium.