Tag: satire

Posted in Humor, Ideas, Life, Satire

How To Get Banned From Arbys

Posted on by Kylie
I never said it was easy, I only said it was worth it
A delicious plate of Arby’s food. 
See Above Photo Creds

I wonder if Arby’s is thinking about me right now. Or did they think about me yesterday? Is there is a bulletin board somewhere in the Arby’s corporate office with my picture on it? Did they fax it to all the locations? Is this how I will finally get my 15 minutes of fame?

One wouldn’t think it would be so easy to get banned from the roast beef sandwich restaurant chain. Otherwise known as Arby’s. Turns out, it is easier than most of my goals have been thus far. And I only failed once before I was successful. My normal numbers usually reflect a 43 to 1 failure ratio. Everyone has to be good at something, right?

Let me be the first, and probably the only, to tell you that when you are denied horsey sauce it is the only thing that will consume your mind. It is almost actually like drug withdrawal symptoms.

Which leads me to believe there is more than just mayonnaise and/or horseradish contributing to the white color in the sauce. There is crack in it, too. And possibly some bath salts. But, I don’t want to start any rumors.

I have endured six months of hell and one weekend in jail since I’ve been banned from Arby’s. And I have not just been banned from the one Arbys in my town. I have been permanently banned from all of them.

Just kidding. I’ve never been banned from Arby’s. But I’m here to tell you about the things you could do to get banned from Arby’s. That way, you can never say you didn’t know.

I don’t want anyone ever to suffer a life without curly fries in it because they were uneducated. You can’t buy frozen curly fries and expect the same result as the Arby’s kind. What kind of a life is that?

Don’t worry, I’m qualified to educate on this subject. My sister used to work with someone whose father managed an Arby’s.

Yell

Apparently, Christine Baskets doesn’t own all of the Arby’s. If you don’t know who Christine Baskets is, you need to finish reading this and then go watch every season of Baskets on Hulu.

Anyway, if you ask any of the workers to slap you with a roast beef sandwich you will get banned or at least asked to leave politely if it’s your first offense.

They really hate it if you ask them to hit you with a roast beef sandwich while also calling you big mama. I really wish they didn’t discriminate against S&M so much.

Compare a roast beef sandwich to a vagina

They get especially bent out of shape about this one. Even more so if said sandwich looks like shit.

They also hate it when you ask them if they have a penis shaped sandwich to go with your roast beef sandwich. Accuse him of being sexist and misogynistic. It should supply an equal opportunity bounty of phallic food. Also, they should have a non-gender specific, neutrally shaped, non-binary food as well. One has to cover all of the bases or you risk offending someone.

The anatomy of people’s private parts should not be such a taboo subject. This is 2020. People sometimes need to say out loud what everybody is thinking.

But, this stunt is a pretty quick, immediate ban and, fingers crossed, you might even get escorted out.

Crack

Accuse them online, by mail, in internet forums, via phone call, by singing quartet, and by courier that the horsey sauce has crack in it.

If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Sometimes things are too delicious for a reason. And usually, that reason is not a good one. Why do you think all those white women eat kale so often? That’s not a coincidence and it certainly isn’t for the taste. Think people!

I think that they, aka Arby’s, got mad because their cover was blown. The war on drugs starts with all of us. Stay vigilant.

Stay

Managers of Arby’s are extremely stingy about their Wi-Fi. One time, somebody supposedly went in there with a sleeping bag to spend the night.

All they wanted to do was have an all night marathon on Facebook and the manager went absolutely ballistic. The poor soul even bought a cup of water like the sign indicated they should.

It’s not like the poor guy wanted to get on Pornhub and look at feet. He just wanted to have a Facebook marathon session. People are so strict these days.

Animals

Although service animals are allowed in Arby’s per the law, they accused one person of lying when he brought his seeing eye turtle, Turty Von Turtleson, in to enjoy some curly fries.

The man tried to explain logically that the turtle could see the auras of people that had bad intentions. I think that is just as important as seeing people’s faces. It actually might be more important. If you could read peoples intentions by their faces alone, I wouldn’t be married three times now.

We need to start putting more importance on auras and less on beauty pageants. Those are stupid. Even so, Arby’s won’t let you do that there either.

Weddings

I tried to have my third and final wedding on the ritzy side of town. Looking back on it now, I probably was stepping out of my lane and overstepping my boundaries. It wouldn’t be the first time and it definitely won’t be the last. I probably should’ve stayed in the redneck area of town where I belonged.

But the Arby’s over there is amazing. Everything is clean. Even the bathroom. Even the men’s bathroom is clean. Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answer. I know you’re wondering how I know about the men’s bathroom.

But apparently, they don’t need any extra money at that location because they refused to rent out the restaurant to me as a venue for my wedding.

They missed out on a damn good time because we actually ended up having a keg and a dancing goat. The downside was we had to have straight fries instead of curly fries. I bet some people thought we were really impoverished.

Even so, who was the real loser here? Arby’s, that’s who.

Conclusion

As I mentioned earlier in this article, I actually have not ever been banned from any Arby’s restaurant. But, I did go there for lunch one day last week and talked to some employees about all the ways people have gotten kicked out.

I have to admit it did intrigue me. I have now added get kicked out of Arby’s to my bucket list as number 97.

I hope that you have learned some valuable things from reading this. I won’t go as far as to say that I’m a hard-hitting reporter now, but I did interview an Arby’s assistant manager for this article. It was the first of many interviews that I am planning to do in my newfound career.

I plan on doing my next one on Burger King. FYI — they really don’t let you have it your way.

Originally posted in 2021 on Medium.com.

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Posted in Humor, Life, Satire

Terrible, Dumb, And Irresponsible Losers With No Routine

Posted on by Kylie
How do they know what to do and when to do it? Do they know if they don’t wake up at 5 AM they will be losers for life?
Author Unknown

If I’ve learned anything in my life, it is to not eat yellow snow and to wake up with a 5 AM routine or risk a life as a loser plagued by doom and misery. Which is probably why mine is full of both. Doom and misery, that is. It doesn’t snow down here very often so I’ve actually never seen yellow snow.

In one of my previous articles that you did not read, I touched on the fact that I have self-diagnosed myself with narcolepsy after failing to succeed with a schedule. And also failing to wake up on a consistent basis and/or on time my entire life. On a sidenote, the disability office will not pay you for self-diagnosed conditions. Even if you cited WebMD. And yet, one of my tenants gets a full disability check for anxiety, which I was born with. I came out with a 40 ounce beer and a Marlboro Red lit to help me with this anxiety. I think God knew then I would never get a check for anything except my pay, including, but not limited to, child support.

I have a real bone to pick with the people that think they’re better than everybody else because they wake up at 5 AM ready to walk, jog, and do CrossFit. Good for you, Karen. You are just the best person on Earth. Except for the fact that you’re driving the bragging wagon. Nobody likes arrogance.

It doesn’t matter what time I wake up. I will never wake up in a good mood, it will never be easy, and I will never do CrossFit. Some might say, never say never. But people with a brain would say, good for you for knowing yourself.

Am my late sometimes to work? Yes, I am. But that’s because I suffer from narcolepsy. Once I get to work, I am able to stay awake, function, and succeed in my job. I have won salesperson of the year and meanest landlord for 10 years in a row.

I’m not trying to come across cocky by bragging about my accomplishments when I don’t even have to wake up at 5 AM to achieve this stuff. Nor am I trying to make y’all feel bad that you do have to wake up at 5 AM and do terrible things to achieve your goals.

I just want to bring another way of thinking to the table. What if you wrote a list instead of waking up at 5 AM? What if you took a bite of granola instead of doing CrossFit? What if you slept with your boss instead of waking up at 5 AM every day?

Choices are everywhere and, yes, I’ve made lots and lots and lots of bad ones. I will also continue to do so, because I want to have a fun life and not a boring one full of Crossfit.

I have never once walked in a store and asked for the manager. I don’t take my bad moods out on old people or animals. Some might credit this to my excessive amount of wine drinking, but I know it’s because I get sleep. Sometimes, a full 48 hours.

Other people might say I sleep a lot because I’m in the depths of depression so dark that no light will ever come through. I just laugh about that, because obviously if I was depressed I would not smile so much. Duh.

And when, not if, I do fail, it doesn’t bother me a bit. Failure is a part of life and one that I’ve grown accustomed to. You’ll never see me throwing a fit because something didn’t go my way. Failure just rolls off my back. Mainly because I’m so sleepy due to my debilitating narcolepsy.

I might sleep a lot, drink copious amounts of wine, get in bar fights, and curse like a full-grown sailor that’s never had sex, but I have never once bragged about being vegan or doing CrossFit. Also, I have a routine however loose it may be.

And I think we can all be proud of me about that. Who is the loser now?

Originally posted on https://link.medium.com/29pXpbM09kb

Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, Life, Satire

10 Will Ferrell Quotes To Use In Daily Conversations

Posted on by Kylie

If you ain’t first, you’re last. Now there are 11 quotes.

Will Ferrell is costume as Buddy the Elf.
Santa!!! I know him!!

Some people worship God and others worship only themselves. Worshiping anyone takes things a little too far for me, but I believe we all should have someone we admire and look up to. Someone we try to emulate. A role model per se.

Even though I am wildly disagreed with, I believe the biggest genius of my generation is Will Ferrell. Please realize most of the people that disagree with my opinion of him are humorless. I realize that his goofy humor may be off putting to some. But as a fellow humor expert, I recognize his desire to change the world through laughter and happiness.

I put together some of his quotes that I like the best whether they be from movies, his Funny or Die skits, or interviews. I am aware that he probably doesn’t write all of this material. However, his delivery of the lines is what makes it funny.

I won’t lie. I have a weird crush on him. I know we would have a great time together if I was drinking and not frozen in awe like a nerd.

Quotes by Will Ferrell

“You sit on a throne of lies!”

ELF

Is there a better way to call someone a liar? I think not.

“You’re my boy, blue!”

Old School

I friggin love you!

Anchorman

“I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

Anchorman

“Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”

Anchorman

I have said this one to my sister so many times that the quote is almost nostalgic for me now.

“Immature is a word that boring people use to describe fun people.”

Will Ferrell

Have truer words ever been spoken?

“Did we just become best friends?”

Stepbrothers

Ok, I admit I say this too much. I say it to anyone that agrees with me about anything.

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

Anchorman

Too many people, aka adults, try to tone down excitement about things.

“I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.”

Elf

I also enjoy smiling.

“Here’s the deal. I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.”

Talladega Nights

I hope that one day I too can piss excellence.

Some people change the world by acts of bravery and others by acts of sacrifice. Some people perform huge acts of kindness and others do small deeds that are never noticed. Will Ferrell and others like him are changing the world with laughter.

I think we can all agree that this world needs more of that right now.

Originally posted on Medium.com

Original article

Posted in Humor, Life, Satire

3 Ways To Let Down That Man At The Gas Station

Posted on by Kylie

How to let him know you can’t love him like he deserves

A man smiling at a woman at a gas station.

I am a creature of routine. Every morning, I stop at the same gas station on the way to work to get my coffee or snacks or gas. Yes, I know this is a frivolous expense. I decided to cut corners elsewhere, OK? Back off.

Anyway, let’s get back on point. At the same gas station, there’s a man who thinks I am the love of his life. Well, he thinks I am and every other woman that comes in there is, too.

I’m not sure if he’s drunk or on crack or just extremely horny. Regardless, he doesn’t seem to want to take no as an answer. I have tried letting him down gently and I have tried telling him to f**k off. Nothing will throw this man off of his intense mission to find a mate at the Circle K.

My first attempt to shake him off went like this. He moseyed up behind me as I waited in line at the gas station, Cheezy Puffs in hand. He got extremely close to me standing in line and I could smell his beer breath on my neck. Every woman’s favorite.

He put his ice cold, forty ounce Natural Ice on my back, which was showing at the top of my dress, causing me to jump and yell, “Fucktard!” He then proceeded to apologize and segued straight into asking me if I wanted to fornicate behind the dumpster. Has there ever been a more beautiful moment?

But, alas, I was/am married. I just asked him, “Who the hell do you think you are?” Before he could answer, I scurried off to my job as this happened at 7:30 in the morning.

Take 2

He tried again a week later. This time, it was right after work. I popped in to buy a bottle of wine and a lottery ticket. I finished my transaction and was about to walk out the door when I heard him slur, “Hey, girl! You want to give Daddy a dollar?”

I looked around, but saw no one who seemed to be his father. At this point, I started to get annoyed. I mean, who pretends to beg for his father? Still, being the southern lady that I am, I just told him to fuck off and went about my day.

Take 3

About a month later, I popped into my gas station and this time I was in a bad mood. Picture the witch song from The Wizard of Oz playing as I walked in. It was definitely playing in my head. I was in a straight bitch mood. Which kind of excuses me from my behavior when Dingleberry hits on me again.

This time I can’t remember what he said exactly. I do remember he smelled like beer, pork rinds, and body odor. I just brushed past him, saying, “I’m married, but I’m only attracted to turtles anyway so you will never have a chance.”

I was such a bitch.

Take 4

The next day. I was back and I felt bad. I also felt disgusted. This guy was starting to get on my nerves. I told him I was married, but he didn’t care. I didn’t go to the gas station to get harassed.

I walked in and got my coffee. I stood in a small line waiting my turn to check out. I checked out.

Looking around, I didn’t see him, hear him, or smell him. Growing concerned, I looked around and left.

I have been back for thirteen days straight trying to find this drunk lunatic. I would like to tell him he doesn’t have a chance with me. I would also like to slap him for making me worry. Where is he? Is he okay? Is he thinking about me?

Posted in Humor, Life

Amazing Tested Responses For Rejecting Dumb Pick Up Lines

Posted on by Kylie

When a simple no will not suffice

A man flicks the bird to a woman rejecting his advances.
Unsplash

I like the smell of the autumn air, the taste of wine, the sound of a baby laughing, and the sight of a douchebag getting put in his place. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a mean or evil person. But, as someone with a vagina, I get tired of unsolicited advances. I won’t lie about taking some pleasure in rejecting the unwanted pick up lines and attempts with the following amazing responses.

I do not send one signal out that I am interested in being picked up or even that I know how to smile. And, yet, the creepiest creepers this side of the Mason Dixon line will find me like a beacon in the night. My messenger is ridiculous with the amount of unsolicited creeps that fill it up constantly.

I also enjoy savagely rejecting men or women who try to pick me up with ridiculous pick up lines. I call them my anti-pick up lines. I’ve learned a few of them from other people, some online, and others are complete originals created on the spot by yours truly.

Take the following scenarios and make them work according to your actual situation.

Him: Can I buy you a drink?

Me: I’d rather just have the cash.

Him: Do you come here often?

Me: Yes. I’ve been waiting for the man of my dreams to come to me and now you’re here. Let me grab my six kids out of my van and we will go back to my place.

Him: Do you want to come to my place Saturday?

Me: Sorry. My explosive diarrhea is happening on Saturday.

Him: Can I get your digits? (This is slang for asking for your phone number)

Me: Sure (give him local STD clinic phone number)

Him: He texts you a picture of his penis,otherwise known as a d**k pic.

Me: Why are you sending me pictures of little boy’s penises?! I am calling the police, you are a disgusting perv!

Him: It’s 2020. Don’t be afraid to ask me out.

Me: Okay. Would you do me the honor of exiting the building as quickly as possible?

I hope these responses will help you as much as they have helped me. There is something liberating about turning the tables on unwanted and dumb advances. Maybe if we take a stand, we can actually bring back manners. Or at least a class on clear signs that someone is open to advances. Or, if I”m completely delusional, maybe we can start a new trend with romantic undertones instead of creepy ones.

Posted in Career, Humor, Life

How To Know You’re Successful

Posted on by Kylie

The Subtle Signs Of Success

Yellow mustard or Dijon? I think you know the answer to that question

Success is a stalker. He eases up behind you without any notice if you’re not paying attention. And you won’t be paying attention because, to gain success, you’ll be hard at work.

Sometimes, we are so hard at work we don’t notice the signs of success starting to surround us. I am here to bring awareness to those signs as they show up, as subtle as they may be.

Money

The first sign of success will be that you have money in your account instead of zero or negative. You may even have CASH in your wallet. This is often the most blatant sign and is usually pretty clear. But I am not immune to the fact that some of my readers are not very smart. I’m doing what I can to spell out even this very big, blatant sign of success for you.

Sugar

Shortly after starting to succeed, you will notice a change in your sugar. Suddenly, loose sugar just doesn’t cut it anymore. You will only take your sugar in cubes. This does make baking hard, I won’t lie. You might even find yourself shopping for a crystal bowl to store your cubes

Taste Buds

You will no longer taste things the same once you experience success. Yellow mustard won’t cut it anymore. You will have to have a Dijon blend. You sure as hell won’t eat catfish anymore. It will only be a bland white fish. Your water will have to be sparkling. You will find a ding-dong, either kind, at the gas station, disgusting.

You will actually get offended when people offer you the condiments of the peasants. Try to keep that reigned in. Nobody likes an asshole, successful or not.

Pronunciation

I’m sure by now you’ve already guessed that when you become successful you will start pronouncing things differently. The first thing is you will call a vase a vaz. You will sound classy as f**k.

A potato will be pronounced a potah-toe.

Target will be Tarjay.

Don’t fight it. You’ll only end up looking foolish.

Clothing

You will always look like you are going sailing. It doesn’t matter where you live or what you are actually going to do. It will always look like you are going sailing.

I hope these tips help you as much as they have not helped me. Since, I’m not successful. Obviously.