Category: Humor

Posted in Humor, Life, life lessons, Satire

No More Mrs. Nice Gal: Introducing The New Improved Me

Posted on by Kylie

My decision to join the ones I couldn’t beat

A happy woman lays on the bed of beautiful flowers.
Photo by Unsplash

The old me, from yesterday, was a nice, spineless idiot. The new version of me will be ruthless and successful by any means necessary, legal or otherwise. Unless it comes down to having to kick a puppy. I’m not doing that.

I would love to make you a list of everything that my integrity has gotten me in my life. But, you literally would be reading a list of nothing. Because, it has gotten me nowhere and nothing at all. Nowhere good, anyway.

I have been an average person my entire life. I’m not beautiful and not ugly. I’m not smart and not dumb. The only thing I excel at is being funny and usually at the expense of my own dignity. In case you’re wondering, there’s not a huge job market for funniness and my boss tends to not fathom sarcasm most of the time.

Despite these issues, I have always worked harder than most others just because I’ve always had to. What I’m trying to say, is that I don’t love working myself to death. And I’m hoping one day I can cut back to 50 hours a week or less.

Failure will never take me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

Og Handino

Average face and IQ aside, I have always had a high moral standard. This is the truth, despite any videos you’ve seen on Facebook or what my face may look like. I most assuredly have resting bitch face, but that does not mean that I’m a bitch or that I ever rest.

I’ve never cheated on anybody and I try to be honest as often as I can be. I’m not a religious person, but I do my part to help people when I can. I try not to be mean to people unless they absolutely provoke it.

My intentions were to lead a life full of laughter and moral integrity. But I have since figured out that if I ever want to get ahead in this shitshow of a life, I need to join the rest of society. They figured out a long time ago that you can only get ahead in life by stepping on the hands of others. So I am going to take my shot at being a douche bag, but I will apologize as I do it.

I could’ve been a gold digging ho and had a much easier life, but I chose to work hard and married two losers out of love instead. I could’ve been not lonely for so many years, but I chose not to cheat. I stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of my family. I could have gone to college on a full scholarship, but I chose to get pregnant at 19.

Yes, I know I’m the product of my own choices. But in my defense, I’ve been making pretty good ones since I was 20, but my life is continuing to not improve alongside of my maturity level. What I mean by my maturity level, is my old age.

Our ability to achieve happiness and success depends on the strength of our wings.

Catherine Pulsifer

So many times I could’ve made the choice that would’ve made my life easier, but I said no strictly on the basis of my integrity. Now the clock of death is ticking and I only have so much time to make anything of my life.

So, at the tinder young age of 41, I have finally realized that integrity doesn’t mean shit and nobody cares. I am, as what my son likes to say, woke.

Starting today, I am shoving my integrity up somebody’s butt. I’ll announce the winner later. From now on, if I have to ride people’s backs like a spider monkey to get ahead, I will do it.

As far as my former rule to never snitch on anybody goes, because I didn’t want to get stitches, stitches make for pretty cool scars eventually.

Morals, brutal honesty, and integrity has gotten me two failed marriages, the death of one husband, a lifetime of struggle, debt and chaos. The honesty part has also gotten me written up in HR nineteen times.

But on a lighter note, I can handle stress really well. And you can only go up when you’re at the bottom. I also have a lot of street credibility because I will go ballistic on somebody despite my angelic undertones. You can’t fail harder when you’ve already failed completely.

Today marks a new day in the existence of Kylie. I’m going to be somewhere between the former saintly Kylie and that annoying Kardashian one. I can’t totally throw my morals away all in one sitting. Using hard work and dedication, maybe I’ll actually succeed at quitting my morals.

I am motivated and willing to make the changes needed to one day say that I am a mediocre success instead of an abject failure. Fingers crossed.

Lastly, I would like to point out to my former fifth grade teacher that I am motivating AF. She loved calling me Eeyore because I didn’t walk around smiling like a dumbass all day. So you can suck on that, Mrs. Smith. One day soon, I will show everybody.

So keep an eye out for my name and not in a bad way. But make sure it’s my name, not the Kardashian.

Originally posted on Medium.com.

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Posted in Humor, Ideas, Life, Satire

How To Get Banned From Arbys

Posted on by Kylie
I never said it was easy, I only said it was worth it
A delicious plate of Arby’s food. 
See Above Photo Creds

I wonder if Arby’s is thinking about me right now. Or did they think about me yesterday? Is there is a bulletin board somewhere in the Arby’s corporate office with my picture on it? Did they fax it to all the locations? Is this how I will finally get my 15 minutes of fame?

One wouldn’t think it would be so easy to get banned from the roast beef sandwich restaurant chain. Otherwise known as Arby’s. Turns out, it is easier than most of my goals have been thus far. And I only failed once before I was successful. My normal numbers usually reflect a 43 to 1 failure ratio. Everyone has to be good at something, right?

Let me be the first, and probably the only, to tell you that when you are denied horsey sauce it is the only thing that will consume your mind. It is almost actually like drug withdrawal symptoms.

Which leads me to believe there is more than just mayonnaise and/or horseradish contributing to the white color in the sauce. There is crack in it, too. And possibly some bath salts. But, I don’t want to start any rumors.

I have endured six months of hell and one weekend in jail since I’ve been banned from Arby’s. And I have not just been banned from the one Arbys in my town. I have been permanently banned from all of them.

Just kidding. I’ve never been banned from Arby’s. But I’m here to tell you about the things you could do to get banned from Arby’s. That way, you can never say you didn’t know.

I don’t want anyone ever to suffer a life without curly fries in it because they were uneducated. You can’t buy frozen curly fries and expect the same result as the Arby’s kind. What kind of a life is that?

Don’t worry, I’m qualified to educate on this subject. My sister used to work with someone whose father managed an Arby’s.

Yell

Apparently, Christine Baskets doesn’t own all of the Arby’s. If you don’t know who Christine Baskets is, you need to finish reading this and then go watch every season of Baskets on Hulu.

Anyway, if you ask any of the workers to slap you with a roast beef sandwich you will get banned or at least asked to leave politely if it’s your first offense.

They really hate it if you ask them to hit you with a roast beef sandwich while also calling you big mama. I really wish they didn’t discriminate against S&M so much.

Compare a roast beef sandwich to a vagina

They get especially bent out of shape about this one. Even more so if said sandwich looks like shit.

They also hate it when you ask them if they have a penis shaped sandwich to go with your roast beef sandwich. Accuse him of being sexist and misogynistic. It should supply an equal opportunity bounty of phallic food. Also, they should have a non-gender specific, neutrally shaped, non-binary food as well. One has to cover all of the bases or you risk offending someone.

The anatomy of people’s private parts should not be such a taboo subject. This is 2020. People sometimes need to say out loud what everybody is thinking.

But, this stunt is a pretty quick, immediate ban and, fingers crossed, you might even get escorted out.

Crack

Accuse them online, by mail, in internet forums, via phone call, by singing quartet, and by courier that the horsey sauce has crack in it.

If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Sometimes things are too delicious for a reason. And usually, that reason is not a good one. Why do you think all those white women eat kale so often? That’s not a coincidence and it certainly isn’t for the taste. Think people!

I think that they, aka Arby’s, got mad because their cover was blown. The war on drugs starts with all of us. Stay vigilant.

Stay

Managers of Arby’s are extremely stingy about their Wi-Fi. One time, somebody supposedly went in there with a sleeping bag to spend the night.

All they wanted to do was have an all night marathon on Facebook and the manager went absolutely ballistic. The poor soul even bought a cup of water like the sign indicated they should.

It’s not like the poor guy wanted to get on Pornhub and look at feet. He just wanted to have a Facebook marathon session. People are so strict these days.

Animals

Although service animals are allowed in Arby’s per the law, they accused one person of lying when he brought his seeing eye turtle, Turty Von Turtleson, in to enjoy some curly fries.

The man tried to explain logically that the turtle could see the auras of people that had bad intentions. I think that is just as important as seeing people’s faces. It actually might be more important. If you could read peoples intentions by their faces alone, I wouldn’t be married three times now.

We need to start putting more importance on auras and less on beauty pageants. Those are stupid. Even so, Arby’s won’t let you do that there either.

Weddings

I tried to have my third and final wedding on the ritzy side of town. Looking back on it now, I probably was stepping out of my lane and overstepping my boundaries. It wouldn’t be the first time and it definitely won’t be the last. I probably should’ve stayed in the redneck area of town where I belonged.

But the Arby’s over there is amazing. Everything is clean. Even the bathroom. Even the men’s bathroom is clean. Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answer. I know you’re wondering how I know about the men’s bathroom.

But apparently, they don’t need any extra money at that location because they refused to rent out the restaurant to me as a venue for my wedding.

They missed out on a damn good time because we actually ended up having a keg and a dancing goat. The downside was we had to have straight fries instead of curly fries. I bet some people thought we were really impoverished.

Even so, who was the real loser here? Arby’s, that’s who.

Conclusion

As I mentioned earlier in this article, I actually have not ever been banned from any Arby’s restaurant. But, I did go there for lunch one day last week and talked to some employees about all the ways people have gotten kicked out.

I have to admit it did intrigue me. I have now added get kicked out of Arby’s to my bucket list as number 97.

I hope that you have learned some valuable things from reading this. I won’t go as far as to say that I’m a hard-hitting reporter now, but I did interview an Arby’s assistant manager for this article. It was the first of many interviews that I am planning to do in my newfound career.

I plan on doing my next one on Burger King. FYI — they really don’t let you have it your way.

Originally posted in 2021 on Medium.com.

Posted in Humor, love, Satire, sex

Weapons Of Mass Seduction: Amazing New Sex Toys

Posted on by Kylie
How normal household items can be used in the bedroom
Homemade bread sits on a napkin besides silverware.
Photo Credits Above

Attention fellow Chicks and Cocks, I am about to blow your minds. The following revelations might be disturbing to some of you, but it will prove revolutionary for the ones of you that aren’t scared of trying new things. For this particular article, I am focusing on the man, but some of these may work with women as well, especially if they are gym teachers.

For once, it will be about the lady’s pleasure. Many of y’all are not ladies, in the traditional sense, but that’s neither here nor there.

First of all, men and female gym teachers are generally weird AF. Before y’all get all puffy on me, I said generally. There are exceptions. I don’t know any offhand, but that’s beside the point. Men are extremely perverted but usually lack any real sexual creativity. It’s always about baby oil, canned corn, and whipped cream.

Fellas, anything can be made into a sexual accessory if you try hard enough and you are perverted enough. Don’t let the opinions of others, society or laws hold you back. A felony may only last a moment, but memories last a lifetime.

I could write an epic amount of extreme and perverse content on this subject, so I spent nineteen months narrowing down my list. I also condensed the number of ways each item can be used from 3,421 to no more than 17, but mainly one. I believe that is fair enough. Besides, what do I care what is fair? I’m not a politician so pretending to care is not in my job description. You’re lucky you got one.

Disclaimer: I take no personal responsibility if you get hurt. I take no in-personal responsibility either, for that matter. And also, I only want positive comments. No one wants your criticism, even if you fluff it up by calling it constructive.

The Spatula

The spatula is the perfect weapon in the bedroom. It is firm, but bendy, which makes it perfect for hard spankings when you’ve been a bad girl or your man/girl/partner deserves punishment for eating your skittles. Or so I’ve heard. Obviously, I don’t do that kind of stuff. My background as a former nun prohibits me from any pleasure taken from pain. Unless it is self-flagellation with a whip, obviously.

Grater

Normally used for grating cheese or vegetables, this can be used to give sensual pedicures. What did you think I was going to say?

OR you could scrape the ass cheese off of your lover. I won’t lie. This will probably hurt. I don’t know for sure because my lover was gagged while I did this.

Measuring Cup

You don’t just measure the banana! We all know they’re going to say it’s 8 inches anyway. But while you’re at it, go ahead and measure the berries. See how many ounces they make.

Sure, it’s weird, but isn’t everything that they do? We are allowed to be weird if we want. And I know I can’t be the only one who wants to know how many ounces my husband’s berries weigh.

They are 12 ounces.

Colander

Obviously, this is to be used as a hat. Duh. You can be a warrior in bed in addition to real-life since you probably carry the weight of the whole family on your back and your husband’s balls in your purse.

Ladle

For pouring chocolate and White Zinfandel all over the body of your lover. Or scalding hot wax if you’re more into that sort of thing. Personally, my husband loves me to pour lukewarm vegetable soup upon his taint during foreplay. Ha, just kidding. We don’t do foreplay.

Hand Mixer

It can beat more than just potatoes, if you get my drift. It can also be used to give an erotic massage or to blend a sphincter. Really, you are only limited to your imagination.

Cutting Board

Is it, though? It’s more of a paddle and should be used as such. Let nothing hold you back, including the law, from using this to beat whatever you want. It’s done in a sexual nature, no matter your anger level, if Barry White is playing and some of your skin is showing.

I hope that you are as grateful as you should be after reading this article. These tips should make your sex life become as amazing as you are. But, what do I know? I’m a nun. Let me know how it all comes out.

Originally posted at Medium.com

Posted in Humor, Life, Satire

Terrible, Dumb, And Irresponsible Losers With No Routine

Posted on by Kylie
How do they know what to do and when to do it? Do they know if they don’t wake up at 5 AM they will be losers for life?
Author Unknown

If I’ve learned anything in my life, it is to not eat yellow snow and to wake up with a 5 AM routine or risk a life as a loser plagued by doom and misery. Which is probably why mine is full of both. Doom and misery, that is. It doesn’t snow down here very often so I’ve actually never seen yellow snow.

In one of my previous articles that you did not read, I touched on the fact that I have self-diagnosed myself with narcolepsy after failing to succeed with a schedule. And also failing to wake up on a consistent basis and/or on time my entire life. On a sidenote, the disability office will not pay you for self-diagnosed conditions. Even if you cited WebMD. And yet, one of my tenants gets a full disability check for anxiety, which I was born with. I came out with a 40 ounce beer and a Marlboro Red lit to help me with this anxiety. I think God knew then I would never get a check for anything except my pay, including, but not limited to, child support.

I have a real bone to pick with the people that think they’re better than everybody else because they wake up at 5 AM ready to walk, jog, and do CrossFit. Good for you, Karen. You are just the best person on Earth. Except for the fact that you’re driving the bragging wagon. Nobody likes arrogance.

It doesn’t matter what time I wake up. I will never wake up in a good mood, it will never be easy, and I will never do CrossFit. Some might say, never say never. But people with a brain would say, good for you for knowing yourself.

Am my late sometimes to work? Yes, I am. But that’s because I suffer from narcolepsy. Once I get to work, I am able to stay awake, function, and succeed in my job. I have won salesperson of the year and meanest landlord for 10 years in a row.

I’m not trying to come across cocky by bragging about my accomplishments when I don’t even have to wake up at 5 AM to achieve this stuff. Nor am I trying to make y’all feel bad that you do have to wake up at 5 AM and do terrible things to achieve your goals.

I just want to bring another way of thinking to the table. What if you wrote a list instead of waking up at 5 AM? What if you took a bite of granola instead of doing CrossFit? What if you slept with your boss instead of waking up at 5 AM every day?

Choices are everywhere and, yes, I’ve made lots and lots and lots of bad ones. I will also continue to do so, because I want to have a fun life and not a boring one full of Crossfit.

I have never once walked in a store and asked for the manager. I don’t take my bad moods out on old people or animals. Some might credit this to my excessive amount of wine drinking, but I know it’s because I get sleep. Sometimes, a full 48 hours.

Other people might say I sleep a lot because I’m in the depths of depression so dark that no light will ever come through. I just laugh about that, because obviously if I was depressed I would not smile so much. Duh.

And when, not if, I do fail, it doesn’t bother me a bit. Failure is a part of life and one that I’ve grown accustomed to. You’ll never see me throwing a fit because something didn’t go my way. Failure just rolls off my back. Mainly because I’m so sleepy due to my debilitating narcolepsy.

I might sleep a lot, drink copious amounts of wine, get in bar fights, and curse like a full-grown sailor that’s never had sex, but I have never once bragged about being vegan or doing CrossFit. Also, I have a routine however loose it may be.

And I think we can all be proud of me about that. Who is the loser now?

Originally posted on https://link.medium.com/29pXpbM09kb

Posted in Humor, Life

Felony Prevention: Amazing, Easy And Practical Ways to Manage Stress

Posted on by Kylie

How I cope with working with the public and much, much more

A man is going crazy from the stressors of his life.

I manage 185 properties in addition to doing financial consulting, credit repair, and real estate. I also write a blog and write for Medium. When I’m not working, I have a husband, four children, two step-children, two dogs, two birds, and a turtle to take care of.

Needless to say, my life is a huge stress ball minus squeezing satisfaction. The constant effort to manage my stress is the only reason that I am felony free.

I often get asked how I handle my chaotic life. It is always stressful, never boring, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. However, I would do all kinds of shady things for just one night alone in a hotel room. Until that happens, I have to find peace and de-stress where I can.

I don’t know what I did in my past life, but whatever it was had to have been really bad. I have had the worst luck, being accident-prone, have awkward tendencies, and stay moderately to extremely annoyed on a very consistent basis since the day I was born.

It started upon my delivery unto this earth and has lasted up into this very point of my life. This point in which I am sitting on my front porch writing while my 14-year-old tries to annoy me non-stop, as usual, by screeching like a car alarm.

My husband is inside and completely incapacitated on the couch watching tv in a comatose-like state. Although I know otherwise, he looks like he has never even heard of the word stress. I would give almost anything to have that kind of peace of mind for just five minutes.

My Oasis

That sounds fancy, but it’s just my damn bathroom. Every night, I take a hot bubble bath with a glass or seven of wine. I am in heaven until I leave. I try to ignore the children sitting outside my door, but I can still hear them.

It is still an amazing time to relax and practice mindful breathing. I have to be very careful not to fall asleep. I just know I’ll die in some stupid way like this or trip over a Cheeto.

My Friends

I am absolutely blessed to have a huge tribe of friends. I have most of these friends for twenty or more years. When life gets to be too much for me, I take a day off and become a kid again with my friends. We like to do stupid, silly things the same as we did 20 years ago. Laughter is a big part of my life and one of the main reasons that I am still sane. It is most definitely a coping mechanism for me. I do consider it to be the best medicine.

I cannot overemphasize how important it is to have good friends no matter your age or circumstance. If you don’t have any, make some. E-mail me, I’ll be glad to be your friend. I love learning about other people.

Animals

My animals remind me constantly that there is loyalty and innocence left in this world. However minimal it may be, is beside the point. There’s absolutely nothing that I could do to offend them that they would not forgive me for, even fake throwing a ball. Which I would not do as I am not a monster.

I have spent my whole life looking for a love of this nature. At this point, I think the only thing close to the love of an animal is the love of a mother. There is nothing that those little #### *’s could do that would make me love them any less.

Mosaics

The latest of the many hobbies I have tried over my life is mosaic art and I am surprised to say that I love it. I am considering sticking with it. As I am a novice, I am not the best at it yet. But I plan to be, as I always do. It is relaxing and creative outlet for me. And it’s really hard to make a bad looking mosaic.

Reading

I have been an avid reader my whole life. I started reading at the young age of four and have not taken a break from it since. I like every genre and it is by far my favorite thing to do to relax, much to the annoyance of my husband. He would rather that I watch television with him than do anything else. Explaining the allure of reading to a non-reader is all but impossible.

Writing

Writing is more than a hobby to me. It’s cathartic and I feel like it helps me more than therapy ever did. I write things that are funny to me and aren’t for many others. I write about the hard moments and good ones. Some, actually most, of the items I write will never see the light of day. Which is, most likely, a good thing for everyone.

Music

I have more Spotify playlists than bras. I have a playlist for every mood and I listen to all genres. Well, except for classical. I don’t think there is enough social training in the world for that. Music can take me from almost any mood and transform me to a completely new one within minutes. I can go from being a thug to a western star to singing old school rock within minutes on any of my playlists. It’s one of many reasons that my kids find me uncool.

So, there you have it. Those are the real things I do, minus the binge drinking of course, at home to help deal with some of my stress. Is a felony assault charge attractive to me after half an hour of verbal abuse? I won’t lie. Yes, it is. But, I just grin and bear it.

I also like to keep a decent attitude when allowable by my tenants, husband or kids. But sometimes, that is just impossible, so I throw on some loud music, say a few motivational cuss words to myself, and carry on with my life. Then, I do it all again the next day.

Originally posted on Medium 2020

Posted in Content, Humor, Ideas, Life, Satire

10 Will Ferrell Quotes To Use In Daily Conversations

Posted on by Kylie

If you ain’t first, you’re last. Now there are 11 quotes.

Will Ferrell is costume as Buddy the Elf.
Santa!!! I know him!!

Some people worship God and others worship only themselves. Worshiping anyone takes things a little too far for me, but I believe we all should have someone we admire and look up to. Someone we try to emulate. A role model per se.

Even though I am wildly disagreed with, I believe the biggest genius of my generation is Will Ferrell. Please realize most of the people that disagree with my opinion of him are humorless. I realize that his goofy humor may be off putting to some. But as a fellow humor expert, I recognize his desire to change the world through laughter and happiness.

I put together some of his quotes that I like the best whether they be from movies, his Funny or Die skits, or interviews. I am aware that he probably doesn’t write all of this material. However, his delivery of the lines is what makes it funny.

I won’t lie. I have a weird crush on him. I know we would have a great time together if I was drinking and not frozen in awe like a nerd.

Quotes by Will Ferrell

“You sit on a throne of lies!”

ELF

Is there a better way to call someone a liar? I think not.

“You’re my boy, blue!”

Old School

I friggin love you!

Anchorman

“I don’t know how to put this, but I’m kind of a big deal.”

Anchorman

“Why don’t you go back to your home on Whore Island?”

Anchorman

I have said this one to my sister so many times that the quote is almost nostalgic for me now.

“Immature is a word that boring people use to describe fun people.”

Will Ferrell

Have truer words ever been spoken?

“Did we just become best friends?”

Stepbrothers

Ok, I admit I say this too much. I say it to anyone that agrees with me about anything.

“Don’t act like you’re not impressed.”

Anchorman

Too many people, aka adults, try to tone down excitement about things.

“I just like to smile. Smiling’s my favorite.”

Elf

I also enjoy smiling.

“Here’s the deal. I’m the best there is. Plain and simple. I wake up in the morning and I piss excellence.”

Talladega Nights

I hope that one day I too can piss excellence.

Some people change the world by acts of bravery and others by acts of sacrifice. Some people perform huge acts of kindness and others do small deeds that are never noticed. Will Ferrell and others like him are changing the world with laughter.

I think we can all agree that this world needs more of that right now.

Originally posted on Medium.com

Original article