Posted in Humor, Life, Satire

3 Ways To Let Down That Man At The Gas Station

How to let him know you can’t love him like he deserves

A man smiling at a woman at a gas station.

I am a creature of routine. Every morning, I stop at the same gas station on the way to work to get my coffee or snacks or gas. Yes, I know this is a frivolous expense. I decided to cut corners elsewhere, OK? Back off.

Anyway, let’s get back on point. At the same gas station, there’s a man who thinks I am the love of his life. Well, he thinks I am and every other woman that comes in there is, too.

I’m not sure if he’s drunk or on crack or just extremely horny. Regardless, he doesn’t seem to want to take no as an answer. I have tried letting him down gently and I have tried telling him to f**k off. Nothing will throw this man off of his intense mission to find a mate at the Circle K.

My first attempt to shake him off went like this. He moseyed up behind me as I waited in line at the gas station, Cheezy Puffs in hand. He got extremely close to me standing in line and I could smell his beer breath on my neck. Every woman’s favorite.

He put his ice cold, forty ounce Natural Ice on my back, which was showing at the top of my dress, causing me to jump and yell, “Fucktard!” He then proceeded to apologize and segued straight into asking me if I wanted to fornicate behind the dumpster. Has there ever been a more beautiful moment?

But, alas, I was/am married. I just asked him, “Who the hell do you think you are?” Before he could answer, I scurried off to my job as this happened at 7:30 in the morning.

Take 2

He tried again a week later. This time, it was right after work. I popped in to buy a bottle of wine and a lottery ticket. I finished my transaction and was about to walk out the door when I heard him slur, “Hey, girl! You want to give Daddy a dollar?”

I looked around, but saw no one who seemed to be his father. At this point, I started to get annoyed. I mean, who pretends to beg for his father? Still, being the southern lady that I am, I just told him to fuck off and went about my day.

Take 3

About a month later, I popped into my gas station and this time I was in a bad mood. Picture the witch song from The Wizard of Oz playing as I walked in. It was definitely playing in my head. I was in a straight bitch mood. Which kind of excuses me from my behavior when Dingleberry hits on me again.

This time I can’t remember what he said exactly. I do remember he smelled like beer, pork rinds, and body odor. I just brushed past him, saying, “I’m married, but I’m only attracted to turtles anyway so you will never have a chance.”

I was such a bitch.

Take 4

The next day. I was back and I felt bad. I also felt disgusted. This guy was starting to get on my nerves. I told him I was married, but he didn’t care. I didn’t go to the gas station to get harassed.

I walked in and got my coffee. I stood in a small line waiting my turn to check out. I checked out.

Looking around, I didn’t see him, hear him, or smell him. Growing concerned, I looked around and left.


I have been back for thirteen days straight trying to find this drunk lunatic. I would like to tell him he doesn’t have a chance with me. I would also like to slap him for making me worry. Where is he? Is he okay? Is he thinking about me?


Posted in Humor, Life

Amazing Tested Responses For Rejecting Dumb Pick Up Lines

When a simple no will not suffice

A man flicks the bird to a woman rejecting his advances.
Unsplash

I like the smell of the autumn air, the taste of wine, the sound of a baby laughing, and the sight of a douchebag getting put in his place. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a mean or evil person. But, as someone with a vagina, I get tired of unsolicited advances. I won’t lie about taking some pleasure in rejecting the unwanted pick up lines and attempts with the following amazing responses.

I do not send one signal out that I am interested in being picked up or even that I know how to smile. And, yet, the creepiest creepers this side of the Mason Dixon line will find me like a beacon in the night. My messenger is ridiculous with the amount of unsolicited creeps that fill it up constantly.

I also enjoy savagely rejecting men or women who try to pick me up with ridiculous pick up lines. I call them my anti-pick up lines. I’ve learned a few of them from other people, some online, and others are complete originals created on the spot by yours truly.

Take the following scenarios and make them work according to your actual situation.


Him: Can I buy you a drink?

Me: I’d rather just have the cash.

Him: Do you come here often?

Me: Yes. I’ve been waiting for the man of my dreams to come to me and now you’re here. Let me grab my six kids out of my van and we will go back to my place.

Him: Do you want to come to my place Saturday?

Me: Sorry. My explosive diarrhea is happening on Saturday.

Him: Can I get your digits? (This is slang for asking for your phone number)

Me: Sure (give him local STD clinic phone number)

Him: He texts you a picture of his penis,otherwise known as a d**k pic.

Me: Why are you sending me pictures of little boy’s penises?! I am calling the police, you are a disgusting perv!

Him: It’s 2020. Don’t be afraid to ask me out.

Me: Okay. Would you do me the honor of exiting the building as quickly as possible?


I hope these responses will help you as much as they have helped me. There is something liberating about turning the tables on unwanted and dumb advances. Maybe if we take a stand, we can actually bring back manners. Or at least a class on clear signs that someone is open to advances. Or, if I”m completely delusional, maybe we can start a new trend with romantic undertones instead of creepy ones.


Posted in Finance, Life, money

My 7 Favorite Dave Ramsey Tips

I wish I could be his obnoxious, female equivalent

Beautiful artwork that resembles money.

Almost everybody knows who Dave Ramsey is. No, he’s not Jon Benet’s father. I’m talking about Dave Ramsey, financial expert and advisor extraordinaire. He is the financial world’s equivalent to Dr. Phil. He is able to convey financial and money matters in a way that all who hear it can understand it.

I wish I could be the female version of Ramsey. But, alas, I am not eloquent and I like to party a little too much. So, in his honor, I would like to share my favorite Dave Ramsey tips.

1. Open, fill, and maintain an emergency fund in case you lose your job or a catastrophe happens. This is typically three months of living expenses.

2. The power of focusing. Pay off one small debt at a time instead of trying to do all of them or multiple ones at once. This is called, according to Dave, a debt snowball. It is a lot less stressful and a lot more feasible than trying to pay off everything at one time.

3. Use cash to pay for everything. If you can’t afford to pay cash, you can’t afford it. Credit should be saved for emergency situations.

4. Invest 15% in retirement. Unfortunately, I cannot allocate that much, but I hope to be able to get there soon. I would love to go back and slap younger me for not starting earlier.

5. Live poor now so you can live rich later.

6. Never, ever buy a new car. They depreciate as soon as you drive off of the lot. This is just not a smart move at all, financially. In all fairness, my dad taught me this long before Ramsey did.

7. Pay off your mortgage early. That’s one less debt you will have upon retiring.

Dave Ramsey is a favorite of mine because he doesn’t over complicate things. Sometimes, it really is as simple as it sounds.

You can see from the above tips how easily you can change your life and your finances. After taking the first step in the right direction, the next steps come much easier. Take the first step towards being debt free.

Posted in Career, Humor, Life

How To Know You’re Successful

The Subtle Signs Of Success

Yellow mustard or Dijon? I think you know the answer to that question

Success is a stalker. He eases up behind you without any notice if you’re not paying attention. And you won’t be paying attention because, to gain success, you’ll be hard at work.

Sometimes, we are so hard at work we don’t notice the signs of success starting to surround us. I am here to bring awareness to those signs as they show up, as subtle as they may be.

Money

The first sign of success will be that you have money in your account instead of zero or negative. You may even have CASH in your wallet. This is often the most blatant sign and is usually pretty clear. But I am not immune to the fact that some of my readers are not very smart. I’m doing what I can to spell out even this very big, blatant sign of success for you.

Sugar

Shortly after starting to succeed, you will notice a change in your sugar. Suddenly, loose sugar just doesn’t cut it anymore. You will only take your sugar in cubes. This does make baking hard, I won’t lie. You might even find yourself shopping for a crystal bowl to store your cubes

Taste Buds

You will no longer taste things the same once you experience success. Yellow mustard won’t cut it anymore. You will have to have a Dijon blend. You sure as hell won’t eat catfish anymore. It will only be a bland white fish. Your water will have to be sparkling. You will find a ding-dong, either kind, at the gas station, disgusting.

You will actually get offended when people offer you the condiments of the peasants. Try to keep that reigned in. Nobody likes an asshole, successful or not.

Pronunciation

I’m sure by now you’ve already guessed that when you become successful you will start pronouncing things differently. The first thing is you will call a vase a vaz. You will sound classy as f**k.

A potato will be pronounced a potah-toe.

Target will be Tarjay.

Don’t fight it. You’ll only end up looking foolish.

Clothing

You will always look like you are going sailing. It doesn’t matter where you live or what you are actually going to do. It will always look like you are going sailing.


I hope these tips help you as much as they have not helped me. Since, I’m not successful. Obviously.

Posted in animals, Humor, Life

What The F**k Is Happening?

Questions I need the answers to

What is happening? Eight Questions Nobody Is Asking

The older I get, the more confused I get. What the f@@k is happening? Is the world going to shit? Or am I old enough now to start to notice what has always been visible to everyone else?

I get confused by the hatred that is generated by adults. I get confused by violence and hate and racism and misogyny. I get confused and angry about animal abuse and elder abuse and child abuse. But, I think these are things we all get confused and angry about. We all should anyways.

This article is about some other things I have been confused about recently. These things probably aren’t what most of you normal people even think about. I just assumed normal people thought about cream of wheat and Jeopardy. And the weather, obviously.

But, if I have pondered about these odd things, I know at least one other person has as well. I can’t be the only one noticing these things. If I’m not though, why is nobody talking about this?

Image for post
Juja Han Via Unsplash

Foot fetishes: What in the ever loving f&@k?

What happened during these peoples formative years to make them turn out like this? At what point did they decide a foot was a sexualized object? Beyond that, do they fantasize about marrying a foot? Do they want to date the foot? Or is it just another thing to assault with a penis?

And what part of the foot is it that is sexy? The hammertoes with the toe jam. Or the crusty ass heels. I am just saying that I have seen some nasty feet and I have no desire to ever get sexual with a foot.

Do they want a clean foot? Or do they want one that smells like feet? How does one make love to a foot? No, I don’t want to look and watch a video. I want someone to tell me. I’ll be less traumatized that way.

Where did roly polys go?

When I was a kid they were everywhere, chilling with their pals the earthworms. Why is nobody talking about this? They are both GONE.

Please bring back the roly poly.

My roly poly was the only pet I had for the first 11 years of my life. Besides the pet rock, but I don’t count that anymore.

I think he probably died every day and my mom just got me a new one from out in the yard. Because he was always on the counter only at 4 o’clock until my bedtime.

Did I really not have any pet? Was that the most genius get my kid a pet move in the history of parenting? I don’t wanna know if that was a different Roly Poly every day. Because I loved one roly-poly whose name was Ronald.

And yes, I named him after the greatest leader this country has ever seen. The clown that runs McDonald’s.

Reagan was the greatest President

I really named my Ronald after the greatest president of all time, Ronald Reagan. I don’t normally like to talk about politics, but I am completely flabbergasted that we have elected this person to run our country.

I think we all can agree that it worked out once having a movie star as a president but, after this latest debacle, I think we should make a rule that anybody in the entertainment industry cannot be president.

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Unsplash

What happened to long distance and collect calling?

I miss calling people collect. It would be cool if we were notified when we did something that it would be the last time we would ever do it. I didn’t know the last time I played outside it would be the last time.

I didn’t know the last time my son got in bed to watch a movie with me it would be the last time. I didn’t know when I talked to my father it would be the last time.

I’m gonna need somebody to start giving us some warning.

I definitely would have ran some charges up if I had known the last time I was making a collect call. I would’ve made it count.

Why is it good to keep your enemies closer than your friends?

Wouldn’t you get them confused? I don’t want my friends and my enemies all willy-nilly together. They would just all blend together eventually.

I like to keep my enemies strictly over there with the assholes. By over there I mean in a corner or a ditch. Just kidding. I’m a super nice person.

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Photo by Claudio Swartz via Unsplash

Why would you want in one hand and shit in the other and see which one fills up faster?

My mom used to say this all the time and I still don’t understand what in the hell it means.

Why would you shit in one hand and see if it filled up faster if you wanted in the other hand? That doesn’t even make any sense.

However, my mama is not the type of mama you can argue with or even ask what something means. All of that is considered backtalk and is punishable by an ass whooping.

So if I asked for something and she didn’t wanna give it to me she would just tell me that saying that made no sense at all.

I vowed I would never do that to my kids. That was the first of many lies I would tell myself.



Calling All Plant Parents

Posted in Humor, Ideas, Life

5 Simple Ways To Gain Massive Street Cred

I might not look like it, but gangsta is used often to describe me

I work on the south side of my town. Much like other towns, some of the areas are not the best on the “south side.” Some are considered dangerous. I’ve never had any problems.

In fact, I enjoy the people here so much better than on the ritzy side of town. I have broken down on the side of the road and had more than three people rush to help me.

I do avoid nefarious situations, though. For instance, I don’t hang out in dark alleys. I also hate smiling. That tends to keep most people away.

Teardrop tat

I don’t know that I’ve actually ever met anybody in a gang. But I’m going to go ahead and say, “Yes, I have.”

That means, I have street cred which is short for street credibility. That means I have been validated as someone raised on the streets by others of the same description. Basically, I’m in a club by initiation.

I don’t have a teardrop tattoo yet because I have not ever killed anybody and I don’t plan on it. So instead, I will get eyeliner tattooed on.

In the meantime, I just wear a butt-load of eyeliner. Sometimes, I’ll draw tears on with a sharpie to increase my standing in the gangster community.

Sagging my slacks

I actually have a professional job so I can’t sag my jeans. So I have to sag my slacks. The effect is not the same when you’re wearing a skirt, just so you know. And it’s impossible with a dress.

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Photo by Andrew Le on Unsplash

Bitch Slap

I don’t fight. I’m too physically fragile for all of that nonsense. But I will throw out a good bitch slap when needed.

I also have a taser and I’m not afraid to use it. But, I have never used it. I also have a gun I’ve never used as well.

But, as I mentioned earlier, I’ve actually had no problems on the horrible side of town that I work on.

A gang is a club

I’m in a club, much like a gang member, except we help the community and try not to shoot people. We discuss current events. Otherwise known as gossip.

We like to read, so some might call us a book club. Regardless, two are in menopause, one has grandchildren, and three have kids under age ten at home.

Gangster is subjective. We are women. We are moms. We will f**k up anyone from any street.