To all the people out there that know they need to be healthier but they positively hate every aspect of healthy living, I see you. I hear you, too. I am you. I love wine,doughnuts, and couch time. I promised my family recently, after a sudden death in our family, that I would become a healthier, fitter version of myself. I clearly meant one day in the future, but they took it to mean I meant immediately. I don’t know what the hell I was thinking. I must have been partaking in mimosas and ambivalence that day.

After many lengthy “discussions” (that’s what adults call arguing), I decided to give the health nut lifestyle a try but to do it in my own way. I actually ended up enjoying myself. I am about to break it down for y’all should you want to have some fun and get fit at the same time (or have fun and get lit, whichever works for you).

Gym

My husband and I have had a gym membership for over two years, but I have only made it there a couple of times due to finding better things to do. I don’t think my husband has gone much either, but who am I to argue with him about that? Especially since I really don’t care if he goes or not. Going back to the gym was first on my to do list due to the obvious reasons, in addition to the fact that I had been paying for it the last two years.

When I got to the gym, obviously no one knew me, so I tried being a good little woman and hopped on a bike headed for nowhere. After five minutes, I got bored and left. Not before tagging myself at the gym through Facebook though, and splashing my face with water so I’d be glistening with “sweat”. I also posted a glistening update on Instagram. My husband was very impressed. I now go to the gym to tag myself there three times a week and my hubby swears I have never looked better! Make sure all the gym rats know you are not there to pick up a man in a muscle shirt.

Hydration

It is so important to always stay hydrated, especially when working out. If you believe that water is a disgusting, poor man’s version of vodka (like I do), start with one cup of water a day. You can build your tolerance up, much like wine, to the recommended levels of nine hundred glasses per day. Be prepared to urinate often. I mean, a lot.

Diet

It is so, so important, according to Dr. Phil, that one eats a diet full of fruits and vegetables. I guess this helps you maintain the healthy living lifestyle easier? Or you poop more and by default seem to be skinnier? I don’t know, don’t question me or Dr. Phil, just do it.

When you do your weekly shopping for health nut items, make sure to buy all the available granola in the store. Walk outside to the nearest dumpster and throw it all in the damn dumpster! We all have a moral obligation to reduce human suffering.

Set up a table outside the gym or grocery store and let everyone know that a glass of sangria IS considered a fruit and should be legally required to be part of your daily intake. Don’t forget to put a sign on the table that says, “THE MORE YOU KNOW” in bold. Have other facts handy for them to peruse also. Such as pamphlets on the danger of almond milk and drinking too many energy drinks will cause your name to spontaneously change to Kyle.

Stress

According to the statistics I just made up, 90% of all accidents are caused from stress. Stress can, and will, affect every single part of your body. As a matter of fact, I’m pretty sure stress has caused my breasts to start the downward sag. Taking stress relieving matters into your own hands is an absolute must. Some people like to meditate (sleep sitting up), others like to play golf, and normal people use wine and puppies.

Another great idea for stress reduction, which I remembered after re-reading my diary from seventh grade, is to pack your shit and move to an island immediately. Make double or even triple sure that nobody is able to contact you and the media is not accessible.

Level 5 — Extreme Danger

Much like I make up statistics, I also make up different levels of the health and workout addict. Gym goers are a solid level three. But the supreme being of health nuts is the dangerously lethal combination of the Crossfit/Vegan obsessed weirdo. Nobody, and I mean nobody, in the history of the ancient and prehistoric sport Crossfit, has ever met their match against someone who does Crossfit and is also a vegan. That’s right. They are rare, but they do exist.

One of my favorite things to do while I am supposedly “getting fit” is to go to the local vegan restaurant, Soy, and talk really loud. I start by belittling Crossfit and continually increase my volume. By the time I shout, “ Vegan’s suck!” and “Crossfit men have little pecker syndrome”, everyone is mad. That’s okay though, because most of them are lacking nutrients and can’t catch up to you to hit you with their trendy hipster backpacks. Once everyone is riled into full awareness, I take my milkshake flavored with grass and hightail it on out of there and back to my house.

The moral of the story is I love being fit.

Children are so unappreciative and ignorant of the allowances awarded them. I like the little snot-nose chumps as much as the next person but, let’s face it, they are oblivious to how much they are allowed to get away with. How much fun they are only years away from being forbidden to have. Polite society is creeping up behind them as we speak.

Don’t get me wrong, there are definite perks to being an adult such as access to wine and buying all the cheese you want. But if I don’t like someone’s shirt I can’t just tell them that or I am considered rude.

I think it’s time to come together and hold toddlers and small children accountable for their behaviors. However, to hear my family and friends opinions, that is not going to happen anytime soon. So let’s just adjust societies’ rules and expectations to be equal for all of us.

I would like to see the following changes in my lifetime. More specifically, in the next year.

Bellies

It is so ironic to consider a grown person’s belly unattractive but a four-year-old can have a belly and it’s adorable. They’re lovingly referred to as the Pillsberry doughboy and poked affectionally in their fat stores. But if we, as adults, dare to get a belly (made with fat just like theirs), we are gifted with CrossFit Gift certificates or weight lectures from our parents.

Kid Gloves

God forbid, you hold a four year old accountable in a competitive match. You are glorified for winning against someone your own age but not letting a kid win in candy land makes you mean? Even if you try to help them by giving them tips to not be a loser? I just don’t understand. I thought all criticism was acceptable if you call it constructive.

Fashion

Why does one act blind when they see a child dressed in a striped shirt and plaid shorts? Or make cutesy noises if they’re in their pajamas in Kroger? Because, I promise you, I have not been let off the hook for either of these fashion felonies. Either something is acceptable or it is not acceptable and it should not depend on the age or cuteness level of said offender.

Filters

This one is my main complaint. Much like a child, I don’t have a filter when it comes to saying what is on my mind. I think it and then it comes out. However, after getting many butt whoopings, I have learned to think twice and talk once. But a kid can literally say anything and it’s OK. For example, they say things like, “Why are you ugly”? Or, “How did your butt get so big”? Or, “I don’t like you anymore.”

If you are not going stop them from asking these questions at least stop laughing long enough so I can hear the answers that they are given. Some of us also want to know the answers to these questions.

Followers

Finally, it would just be nice to go back to the days when you could just blindly believe everything that you were told without having to take logic into account. Kids will literally believe anything you tell them and that is their saving grace.

Anytime I have to babysit, I will tell them cute things like, “When it’s raining that means God is crying. It was probably something you did, I don’t know.” I mean, I can have good, innocent fun like this for hours.

In all seriousness, I actually am not mean to children. I do like to embarrass my kids but I try not to actually upset them. But how nice it would be to go back to the days where you were so free that you could tell anybody anything!

They have no idea the power they hold in their grimy little germ mitts. They could get away with asking anybody they see to buy them something and they don’t do it. What a waste!

I have tasted poverty. I have been hungry and desolate. I’ve had to heat my bathwater and my home in the winter using the stove. Before you stop reading, this is not a pity party. I’m only bringing this up to make a point. I have learned so many things as I clawed my way out of poverty, but one sticks out above and beyond all others.

I overheard this piece of advice in the bank one day while I was waiting for someone to notice me sitting there in the customer service area. They were joking with each other when they said it, but their little joke changed my life.

One of them said to the other, “You know you can’t put all of your eggs in one basket.”

This comment seriously got me thinking. I wouldn’t eat the same thing every day. I wouldn’t let my kids only experience only one fun thing in life and then call it a day after that. I could think of a thousand other crazy scenarios, but the point was that I had been putting all of my eggs in one basket my entire life. I had even been proud of that fact and had called myself a loyal customer.

I made immediate changes to rectify this and have only come out better for it in the end. It changed things for me in every aspect of my life, but for brevity’s sake, I’m just going to talk about how it helped me financially.

I had maintained one checking account for twenty-five years at the same bank. Immediately, I opened two more checking accounts at other banks (one was strictly an online bank). Instantly, I found that I was saving more money and spending less because it felt like I was poorer than I actually was with my money spread across the board.

I then did the same thing with my savings accounts. I also made sure that they were not linked to any of my checking accounts, as that made it too easy to transfer money when I wanted to make an impulse buy. I won’t deny that impulse buying is a bad habit of mine.

After that was successful, I opened three investment accounts. I used one for high risk, one for low risk, and one for mutual funds. I then set aside some money in bit-currency as well.

Mind you, I did all of this with the bare minimum of money required to open these accounts. This amount was usually around $25.00. But, after several months, I was accruing savings and I was spending less.

You can take this advice and use it in other areas of your life as well except for your love life. That doesn’t tend to end up well for a lot of people, especially if they’re not aware of the change.

The second best advice I ever received was not to eat yellow snow.