Posted in Humor, Life

Amazing Tested Responses For Rejecting Dumb Pick Up Lines

When a simple no will not suffice

A man flicks the bird to a woman rejecting his advances.
Unsplash

I like the smell of the autumn air, the taste of wine, the sound of a baby laughing, and the sight of a douchebag getting put in his place. Don’t get me wrong. I am not a mean or evil person. But, as someone with a vagina, I get tired of unsolicited advances. I won’t lie about taking some pleasure in rejecting the unwanted pick up lines and attempts with the following amazing responses.

I do not send one signal out that I am interested in being picked up or even that I know how to smile. And, yet, the creepiest creepers this side of the Mason Dixon line will find me like a beacon in the night. My messenger is ridiculous with the amount of unsolicited creeps that fill it up constantly.

I also enjoy savagely rejecting men or women who try to pick me up with ridiculous pick up lines. I call them my anti-pick up lines. I’ve learned a few of them from other people, some online, and others are complete originals created on the spot by yours truly.

Take the following scenarios and make them work according to your actual situation.


Him: Can I buy you a drink?

Me: I’d rather just have the cash.

Him: Do you come here often?

Me: Yes. I’ve been waiting for the man of my dreams to come to me and now you’re here. Let me grab my six kids out of my van and we will go back to my place.

Him: Do you want to come to my place Saturday?

Me: Sorry. My explosive diarrhea is happening on Saturday.

Him: Can I get your digits? (This is slang for asking for your phone number)

Me: Sure (give him local STD clinic phone number)

Him: He texts you a picture of his penis,otherwise known as a d**k pic.

Me: Why are you sending me pictures of little boy’s penises?! I am calling the police, you are a disgusting perv!

Him: It’s 2020. Don’t be afraid to ask me out.

Me: Okay. Would you do me the honor of exiting the building as quickly as possible?


I hope these responses will help you as much as they have helped me. There is something liberating about turning the tables on unwanted and dumb advances. Maybe if we take a stand, we can actually bring back manners. Or at least a class on clear signs that someone is open to advances. Or, if I”m completely delusional, maybe we can start a new trend with romantic undertones instead of creepy ones.


Posted in Humor, Life, love

Sarcasm Is My Love Language

Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.

Sarcasm is my love language is written over a backdrop of Paris' Eiffel tower. Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.
Made With Canva

Is gentle scorn or sarcasm really worse than public displays of affection? I don’t think so. Apparently, I am in the minority with this view. I would much rather roast someone than hug them. Sarcasm is how I show my love. In other words, it is my love language.

Am I proud of this? No. It’s just who I am. I am not a very demonstrative person. I get that from my mother. We hugged on holidays and when I gave birth. Because of this, I am the most awkward hugger on the planet.

I have always been the type of person to show my love with gentle scorn, or sarcasm, rather than affection or generic platitudes. You will feel my love by the heat of my sarcasm. Except for my mother, obviously. She doesn’t understand sarcasm and would beat my butt into oblivion.

The people that know me understand that about me. They love me for it. The people that don’t know me well think I’m a huge bitch. They are not wrong, but I’m not the kind of huge bitch they think I am.

A man named Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled The Five Love Languages. In the book, Gary basically says that people show their love and receive love in different ways and it’s all about finding out what you or your partner’s love language is. This book seems to help people find the way to love their partner in the ways they need and understand. You could just ask your partner what they are missing from you in the relationship and save $24.99. Just saying.

I use attention, humor, sex, gentle bullying, and sarcasm to show my love to my husband. I think my love language combo would be a new mix for the author of the book. I am a pretty odd duck according to everyone that has ever met me.

My husband is actually the sensitive one that shows his love by holding my hand and doing chores around the house. He thinks he is doing those chores for me since he’s a man and thinks deep down inside chores are a woman’s obligation. He would never say that out loud of course. However, he acts as if he is owed a parade thrown in his honor after he completes them.

Multi-colored spray painted hearts
Photo by Renee Fisher on Unsplash

Love can be felt and seen in a million different ways. From a text checking up on you to a home cooked meal, love is not always tangible and physical. It is a phone call, flowers when you’re grieving, visits when you’re sick, and tears for you when you’re hurting. I believe that the little things are worth the most. They signify a real, lasting love.

I have always told my children, as they have grown up and experienced falling in love, and then their first heartbreak, if a love starts fast like spontaneous combustion, it will die just as quickly. If a love is built slowly from a solid friendship, it will be more likely to be enduring.

A beautiful hummingbird picture inside of a heart
Photo by Andrew Lane on Unsplash

If we focus less on how we receive love and more on the ways we can give it, we might not be such miserable dirtbags sometimes. Despite my snarkiness and sarcasm, I am very thankful for every little act of love and every kindness I am shown.

We can apply this principle to many areas in our lives. It’s the small actions, done consistently, that add up to cause the biggest difference made. Being a giver will always bring more back to you than being a taker will.

Love is not what you say. Love is what you do. Also, romantic love is not always the strongest kind, only the most glorified.


Fire pits & patio heaters

Posted in Family, Friendships, Ideas, Life, life lessons, Relationships

What In The World Is An Empath?

Is is just someone who listens to their instinct?

An adult hand reaching down with love to hold the hand of a young child.
Canva

I am a very straight-laced, down to earth person with gypsy tendencies. I can also be described as a redneck with an affinity for leopard print. Also, as a tomboy who loves long, dangly earrings. Or an uptight prude, if you’re listening to my children. So, I’ve always scoffed at those who labeled themselves as empaths.

According to the dictionary, an empath is a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. However, I don’t think most of us that use the word think of it as paranormal activity. It’s almost as if our souls sense the other person’s soul. Our souls communicate nonverbally.

I just thought I was sensitive and/or paranoid.

As I grew older, I noticed my ability to read the vibes and intentions of others got better and better. Suddenly, I felt the bad vibes of the people I had been friends with for years. I tried to ignore it and told myself I was being paranoid. But, after my vibes turned out to be correct on two back to back occasions, I started paying attention.

The first example was when I started thinking my first husband was cheating on me. I ignored my instinct. I called myself paranoid. I would’ve saved myself a lot of heartache if I had paid attention.

The second time was when I felt a sudden coldness between myself and someone I had considered to be a best friend. She just stopped calling me. I knew instantly she wasn’t my friend anymore, I just didn’t know why. I found out just weeks later that she was badmouthing me to other friends. I realized that I had felt this coming. The reason didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t need people like that in my circle.

I can read the vibes of most people around me and once I focused on that, my sales at work far surpassed the quota I had always worked hard to barely meet. I started paying attention to all of my intuition. It has not led me astray yet, that I’m aware of.

A hand holding a card that says — Let your intuition guide you. You are what you’ve been looking for.
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

I have found that when I go with my instinct I never regret it. And I don’t second-guess myself constantly. When I make that decision, I do it with confidence.

I have found myself being right so often now that it’s almost creepy.

I only wish that I had learned to listen to me forty years ago.


Newly Launched: Mila Air Purifiers

Posted in Ideas, Life, life lessons, love, Marriage, Relationships, tips

Ways To Find A Person Worthy Of Your Love

How I met an amazing man after two awful marriages

A young couple enjoying romance and true love on a beautiful beach.
Art By Author using www.canva.com

After two horrible marriages, I was absolutely determined never to fall in love again. My heart was battered and bruised and I had my children to raise alone. I was also financially devastated since neither one of my husbands had ever opted to pay child-support.

People with similar values, lifestyles, and goals will find each other. It is as if our hearts are radars that search each other out in the dark. This works for the bad as well, I would think.As much as this is true, it is hard to find people that have the same exact beliefs as someone else does. It is even harder to find someone that is worthy of your love. It seems to get harder the older you get. Or maybe you just put up with less.

After dating and marrying two men that could not have been much worse for me, I finally found a love worthy of my heart. I just got remarried for the third and final time. I found a man that treats me like a Queen. He puts up with enormous amounts of my shenanigans. He is everything that I never thought really existed. He is stable and responsible. He is the peace to my flame.

I was not looking for love. I wasn’t trying to find him or anyone else. I was not dating at all. I was focusing on myself, my children, and my future after a traumatizing second marriage. It turns out things can go from bad to worse, as I learned in that second marriage.

People ask me all the time how I got so lucky to meet such a good man. They obviously don’t know about my first marriage or my second. This made me think about what I had done differently this time. I also took a closer look at some of the other people I knew that were lucky enough to find true love.

Social events can serve a purpose

As for my happy ending, I met my amazing husband through my neighbor at a cookout. My neighbor had been trying for a while to set me up with this friend of his, but I just wasn’t interested in dating at the time. I actually had no intentions of ever dating again much less getting married.

I went to the cookout, at my next door neighbor’s house, more out of boredom than anything. I knew some friends would be there and needed an excuse to socialize with some wine. Suddenly, my neighbor walks up alongside this tall man and I knew instantly what was going on. I was not interested, but I wasn’t rude. We chatted for a moment and then it was time to eat. He wandered inside to get his plate.

A few minutes later, he reappeared and I was shocked to see that he had made me a plate and had brought it to me along with a chair. He had even buttered my corn. Fast forward to now. We are married, I am madly in love, and we still say he won me by buttering my corn.

Not all people online are creeps

Believe it or not, two of my favorite married couples both met on Match.com. This really surprised me. I had always thought online dating or apps like Tinder were for just hook ups. I was wrong. I was told most people that are serious about finding love go to the paid sites. The people that are just looking for hook ups go to the free sites such as Tinder. Don’t kill the messenger, that’s just what I was told.

Schools and dog parks have plenty of similarities

90% of the couples I questioned met in school. They either met in high school or in their college years. They all have been together ever since. Personally, I am glad I did not meet my soul mate that early because I was able to have a little bit of fun before my life turned into a total disaster.

One couple I interviewed met at a dog park. Their dogs actually connected first. This is my favorite story of the people I asked. It reminds me of something straight out of a romantic comedy. Once they started talking, they bonded immediately and exchanged phone numbers. He called her that night. They have seen each other every day since then. Only six months later, they were engaged. Eighteen months later, they were married. And ten years later, they are still married.

Weddings don’t have to suck

Going to a wedding does not always have to be awful and soul crushing. One couple that I questioned met at a wedding of a mutual friend. They both contemplated seriously not attending. They are still astounded about how one tiny decision affected their entire life and how close they came to missing it. Remember that the next time you are sitting in your underwear, eating a bag of chips and thinking about skipping that invitation.

It seems to me that the happiest couples found love when they were not looking. They were happy and satisfied with their lives alone. And then, right when they least expected it, the right person came into their lives.

Be kind to others, work on improving yourself and be open to trying new experiences. You just may find the love you have given up on.


This made me curious though. I knew that I played a part in my meeting of them in before him. I was determined that I would do things differently after those marriages, but I never got around to that.I started looking at my group of friends that were married or in love. I asked the seemingly happiest couples about the circumstances surrounding their meetings.

Posted in Family, Humor, Life

My Siblings Are Amazing People, Despite Being Weird

.MA loving brother and two sisters standing together.
Canva

Some would call me an accident. And by some, I mean my mother. In full disclosure though, she always said I was the best accident that she’s ever had.

My sister was 15 when I was born and my brother was 13. So I didn’t have very many years with them around before they flew from the nest with little thought to the foundling left behind. Which could be the main reason why we never learned to hate each other.

Growing up, my brother was definitely my biggest ally and caretaker. He would pull me around in a box, which in hindsight is not that great. But apparently, I loved it back then. It’s not as fun when you’re 42, though. My sister didn’t spend much time with me when I was very young because she was a social butterfly and the queen bee of our little town.

My brother married the love of his life shortly after leaving for college. He excelled in his career and still is the best husband I’ve ever seen up close. He dotes on his family. He has continuously educated himself and moved up in every aspect of his life. I am only now just beginning to understand how important it is to keep growing and learning as a person.

My sister became my best friend when I was a little older. As a teenager, I thought the sun rose and set on her. She was my hero for many years.

As adults, we have both been prone to impulsiveness and bad decisions. We both love to prank people and can be somewhat obnoxious at times. There have been many moments in my adulthood that I wouldn’t have made it through, if she hadn’t been my ally. For the most part, we are always there for each other when we need each other.

There is not another man, other than my husband, that I respect more than my brother. If more men were as good at being a husband as he always has been, this world’s divorce rate would plummet. There is not another person on this planet that can make me laugh as much as my sister can.

I don’t want to make any of this go to their heads, because it will. And my sister cannot afford that at all. I just wanted to take a moment to praise them, because all I hear about from my kids how much they hate each other. Not all of them do that, but most of them do. And if they don’t say it, it is very evident in their actions.

I know they love each other, because when any one of them is sick they will ask about the ill one behind closed doors. I guess it would be considered a sign of weakness to them, if they thought anyone knew they really cared.

I pray that they will grow out of this feeling. Other parents have assured me that they will, but I never have had ill feelings towards my siblings so I wouldn’t know about that.

I would love to post a picture of my brother and sister, but one of them is immensely private. I don’t feel right about posting one and not the other. However, I will post their Social Security numbers. Kidding…

I would really love to hear about other people’s relationships with their siblings. I would especially love to hear about siblings that grew up not liking each other, but ended up becoming really close as adults.

In this life we will never truly be apart, for we grew to the same beat of our mothers heart.

Daphne Fandrich

Posted in Marriage

Which Type Of Marriage Is Right?

Elegant, stylish young couple beautiful bridge and groom on the stairs
Made With Canca

Choices are everywhere and we are the sum of our choices. Will you marry? Will you marry for love? Will you marry the same sex? Once you make those decisions then you will have to decide on what type of marriage you want. I was recently educated about the fact that there are more than a few types of marriages out there. Finding one that will work for you is the goal. As someone who is on her third and final husband, I know now that you and your spouse-to-be have to come together in the union that will work for you both. Regardless of how that looks to outsiders.

Traditional

The one we all know. We are one person marries another person with the intention of staying married forever. Usually has a huge ceremony involving a church, but can happen anywhere at anytime. My first marriage was in a chapel and my second was in my mother’s backyard. My final and third marriage was done overlooking a cascading dam.

Polygamy

Just from a marriage as when one person marries several others. This is usually the case with one man and many wives. Apparently, that is acceptable, but the reverse is not. Hey, I don’t make the ridiculously ironic bullshit rules. Anyway, polygamy is illegal here in the United States. It still happens, though.

Open

You’re in a relationship, but not really, because you can f$&k whoever. I would like to wonder how many people this type of relationship has actually worked out for. I would really love some more information on the logistics of this, so if any reader has insights to share, please email me at kylie@kyliesells.com.

Common Law

Being common law married means that you have cohabited as a married couple for a certain amount of time without making it legal. So the law made it legal in order to protect and give rights to long term partners, to a certain extent. This usually protects significant others in will disputes.

Arranged

This marriage exists all over the world, even in the United States, but it is not spoken about much. Usually the parents of both the bride and groom negotiate a match. Sometimes with the help of a matchmaker. They want happiness for their child, of course, but also focus on finances, caste, and religious aspects. Love comes last and is expected to grow in time.

An official pushing an Indian bride and groom’s head together.
Photo by Pranav Kumar Jain on Unsplash

Is monogamy a natural process or a man made policy? We all feel attracted to other people, so why would God, or whoever our maker is, put that in as if it was wrong? People have been disputing this for centuries. Many people feel that the look but not touch rule is a good policy. The bottom line is you both have to set absolute boundaries in a relationship. Crossing those boundaries is a relationship deal breaker.

My husband and I both have been cheated on and lied to so we both crave trust and dependability more than anything. We are the perfect team in this business called life and have no illusions about what each other expects. For us, personally, it is all about keeping the lines of communication open.

After researching this, I have come to the conclusion that you do whatever you need to do to make your marriage work or to make your life work. For some, or many, that may mean no marriage at all. Who really cares if some judgmental person wants to throw their two cents in about you being single? They are most likely miserable shits anyway.

Love yourself, do good things, help others, take care of your family and your parents, and go to bed at night resting easy. Whoever the God is in charge up there will only commend your efforts. You cannot change my mind on this fact.


Processing…
Success! You're on the list.