Posted in Death, Depression, Grief, Life, Poetry


Two inspirational signs sit behind chain-link fencing. One reads don’t give up and one reads you are not alone.
See above photo credits

Never did she speak her bloody stories.

Vision suffering from depression.

Nobody would know.

Nobody could tell.

Nobody would look.

Complete inaction.

We all are to blame.

Humans worship themselves.

Noticing other souls when convenient.

Success sentences people to happiness.

Not aware other things torch lives.

Feelings kept underground.

Nonchalance makes us careless.

Peace and yielding sometimes comes too late.

Peers talk with distant indifference.

Sitting beside but ions away.

She still speaks with reason.

She must be okay.

Her strangely animated voice heard the latter.

Humanity feels only complacent, never proactive.

Silent, the sadness was blaring.

We are all to blame.

Originally posted November 2020 on Medium

Posted in Depression, Friendships, Life

My Teen Son’s First Heartbreak: Evil In The Form Of A Girl

I have never met anybody capable of such pure evil
An evil young girl strikes a sexy pose in a grocery store.
See above photo credit

Not much shocks me anymore. Especially the meanness of people. However, everyone that my teen son told, and everyone I told, was shocked and outraged by the sheer callousness of the evil that this young girl doled out. His first heartbreak was worse than most.

I have been through a tremendous amount of stress due to the nastiness of humans in my life. The older I get, the less I expect out of anyone. Even so, I was absolutely shocked when I was confronted with my son’s first heartbreak experience. I remember my first heartbreak like it was yesterday. I wouldn’t say it was the deepest cut, but it was the most shocking as it was my first time feeling broken hearted. Though depressing, I can say that it was a normal first heartbreak. It didn’t have the pure evil element that my son’s did.

The Meeting

They met through friends, but to me it felt like she wasn’t there one day and the next she was a constant fixture. I had red flags immediately. Everyone discounted them as this was my son’s first girlfriend and he has always been my sweet child. Everyone thought I was just being over protective.

It was nothing glaringly obvious. She just said little things that were passive aggressive that I would never have said to my boyfriend’s mother at any time. I chalked it up to bad manners.

They spent every day together and I would often have to kick her out at night. I knew they were having sex and I knew he was in love with her. He drove her 25 miles out to his father’s gravesite, which was a first for him. He had always gone out there alone, once he got his drivers license, and never even had taken a friend.

Things kept up hot and heavy for a few months and then the fighting began. A few weeks later, they took a break. This was supposed to be time away from each other to reassess, according to my son, and was not a full break up. I guess she didn’t get the memo.

Pure Evil

I will never forget his face. It was after midnight and I was sitting at my table on a Friday night working on a mosaic. The door suddenly opened and my son came in. It only took one second for me to register the look on his face. I jumped up and asked him what happened. The following is his account of the situation.

After agreeing to a break, my son was at a friend’s house playing video games and lord only knows what else that a group of boys do together. One of them became quiet and came up to my son to show him his phone.

The video, that was posted on social media, showed my son’s girlfriend, or ex depending on how you interpret the break, with another boy dancing. That in itself wasn’t so bad, but they were dancing on my ex-husband’s grave. My son was devastated and rightfully so. This was the type of meanness that bordered on evil and I was furious as he recounted the situation to me.


It took everything in me that was holy to not go to jail over this assault. I prayed and restrained myself. I know that karma will do my dirty work one day. My son’s friends, however, did not show restraint. She immediately regretted what she did and took the video down.

Within days, she called me in tears and pleaded with me to call off the dogs. I told her that I didn’t release the dogs. Her evil behavior did. She was reaping a small amount of what she sowed. She said that her phone was blowing up with angry texts and friends were no longer speaking to her.

After showing no sympathy, she tried to threaten by telling me her mother was going to press charges. I quickly broke down how that would not work and how she was lucky I didn’t press charges. I’m sure that video would break some kind of grave desecration law or online bullying stance. Regardless of my obvious ignorance, I spoke with confidence and she slunk away in defeat.


That was over six months ago. My son still suffers from depression and cries about this humiliation and heartbreak. I still want to serve her a heaping dose of punishment, but I have to believe that karma will come for her eventually. Karma has her own timing.

In the meantime, I pray everyday that this stupid girl hasn’t stolen the goodness, trust, and love from my son while he is still only a teenager. I hope he can chalk it up to one bad apple in a bucket of amazing ones. He just happened to have gotten a very bad first taste of love gone bad.

Originally posted on Medium.

Posted in Depression, Ideas, Life, Uncategorized

A Peaceful Life Is ALL I Want

Made With Canva

People ask me what my goal is. They ask what would be the most perfect scenario I could envision for my life. That is too easy.

I have fought for my entire life. I fought for attention, for peace, for health, for my children. I fought for my husbands, and I fought for others. I fought for a true friend, for beauty, and for respect.

I fought to eat, to survive, and to live. I fought to matter, for someone to be proud of, for family, for support. I fought to be heard, seen, and known. I fought to not be my family’s past. I fought for my own future. I fought family and I fought friends. I fought love given and I fought love received.

So, what I want now and what I have wanted for a long time is only peace. Quiet and tranquil peace. At least for a while. I want to stop fighting for a moment.

I’ve never been to war, but I go to war every day.

Posted in Depression, Life, tips

The Brightest Smiles

Signs and symptoms of depression

Though emotional, she will smile through extraordinary darkness


They hold the darkness without complaint and seem only to want to make others laugh and smile. No one notices when they go quiet or they assume them to always be happy and upbeat

I used to fight the depression. I would tell myself to carry my burdens through the darkness and come out harder with the world. I would sleep constantly to feel the attachment I only experienced while in my dreams. My sadness would cause visible irritation to my loved ones, so I pushed it down and away. I slept and bore this cross alone.

Eventually, I would start to awaken and to feel the emotions offered. In a few weeks, I would barely remember my head against the pillow and my presence being unstable.

Don’t disregard the friends that smile all the time. Don’t ignore the ones who laugh and never talk about their problems. They may need you the most. You’re probably asking how you are to know if no one says anything. I just like to assume everyone needs a friend and be available as often as possible.

Very rarely will you get a direct suicide threat or something concrete to go off of. You have to trust your instincts and be attuned to the feelings of the people that are around you.

Be Consistent

Be a consistent friend. Life gets in everyone’s way sometimes, but we have to put effort into our friendships just like we do any other relationship to maintain it. Don’t go weeks without a check-in via text, call, or in person. Everyone needs to know they are loved and valued. One-sided friendships, where one person does all, or the majority of the communicating and plan-making, are depressing and unfair to the person doing everything. One person should not have to carry the entire weight of a relationship on their shoulders alone.

Be Human

People need others like them around that they can relate to. Not the ones that have an image to maintain or ones that act like Stepford wives. Talk to them about your own experiences that may relate to theirs. Share your struggles and your triumphs. Be the example that things do get better. Make sure they understand that the light is the brightest right after the darkness.

Don’t Be Condescending

Do not insult people with platitudes especially during hard times. That is the last thing anybody wants to hear. Don’t say that you know how they feel or tell them that tomorrow is another day. If all you know are generic platitudes, then just listen. Often times, listening is what they need the most. A listening ear is way more valuable than someone giving unsolicited advice on how to fix a situation they know nothing about personally.

Don’t Assume

The main thing is not to presume anyone’s emotional state by their outward display. We are taught at a young age, some more than others, to hide the feelings that make others uncomfortable. We are taught that feelings shown is the same as showing your weakness which could not be further from the truth. The brave are the ones that talk about what no one else will.

If you read the stories written by the suicidal, some of them have been saved by a kind word from a stranger or a phone call to a suicide hotline. What you say and do does make a difference. Sometimes, it can make all the difference. Keep your eyes open.