Tag: Life

Posted in Humor, Life

My Journey To Cure Premature Laughter

Posted on by Kylie
Premature laughter is no laughing matter
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There are literally millions of people in the world that think they are funny when they are not. They are enabled by the pity laugh. There are also thousands of people who are kind of funny in a weird way. Then there are thirty-six of us who are really funny. We have super-advanced, almost supernaturally advanced if you will, senses of humor and we can detect sarcasm up to 18 miles away by scent alone. It is an extremely elite club that I am proud to be not only a member of but also the president and founder of.

The least funny person of our elite members-only group is a gal named Brenda. We have an almost imperceptible, but really visible, rivalry with each other. I think she’s really jealous of the fact that not only am I funny, but I’m not really fucking dumb either. She keeps on saying that I have an issue with her Birkenstocks and I don’t. I do not give a shit what kind of shoes she wears or who she sleeps with at night. At the end of the day, it really boils down to the fact that she is a level two funny and a level nine passive-aggressive. Her afflictions are numerous and her laugh is atrocious. But, beyond that, she’s a great person.

I, myself, take pride in the fact that I am a level 10 funny and also level 10.5 aggressive. No, I didn’t spell that twice. I’m so aggressive, they gave me an extra half-point above the limit. To put it in a perspective that you peasants can understand, it would be kind of like having an A-type personality but much harder than that.

There is nothing more offensive to me than when someone either fake laughs or laughs earlier than your punch line. They are placating you. Or they’re trying to hide the fact that they are one of the 10% of the population born with no sense of humor. Most of those people all live in Ohio by the way. Much like chimpanzees can mimic humans, those born without a sense of humor learn to mimic those that do. This is so they aren’t killed off since they are technically a weaker species, being born without humor. They wouldn’t know funny if it came up and hit them in the face.

Like all great comedic geniuses, I would rather hear the sweet, sweet sound of silence than the grating guffaw of a fake laugh.

So you might not be in the majority, who KNOWS this affliction is worse than premature ejaculation, but I am.

Don’t laugh at a joke if you do not find it funny. You are just instigating more bad jokes. Isn’t the world bad enough as it is?

Posted in Humor, Life, Social Media, tips

Do You Want To Stop Someone’s Whining On Facebook?

Posted on by Kylie
Stop Facebook Whining
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Her posts were filled with self-pity, memes reflecting the character of strong women, pleas to the ones that got away, and cringe worthy desperation. — Kylie

I speak for the nation when I say, “Please stop your incessant whining on Facebook. We also don’t want to see a picture of your tears, your empty bed, or your cleavage.”

I can’t unfriend her or look away, try as I might. Might someone be more cringeworthy than me? Suddenly my obviously finding myself hysterical didn’t seem so bad to this odd mix of self-pity, love of her own eyes, and selfies. Her beautiful children would be featured every now and then, but normally were overshadowed by her fixation on finding her true love.

I have never wanted to bitch slap somebody more in my entire life. Then I realized, how was I doing anything but hurting her by continuing to watch this without saying something? I was being a mean girl, and that is not who I am.

So, I called her. I told her how she was coming across and she genuinely seem to not realize that. She admitted to wondering why she lost so many friends online recently. It made an immediate difference in her online persona.

So, instead of talking about her behind her back consistently, I went to her directly with the issue. Now, she’s in a better place and, unfortunately, I’m out of dramatics to watch unfold on Facebook. My husband is being a shit right now so maybe people are watching me and my passive aggressive posts and talking shit.

I just hope that is not my entire fifteen minutes of fame.I’m sure I will humiliate myself for another 15 minutes of fame somewhere along this road of life I travel.

Posted in Trump

Breaking News: Trump Hates TikTok

Posted on by Kylie

Orinially posted on August 21, 2020 on Medium

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I woke up this morning and checked my news app like I always do expecting fully to see some more statistics regarding the virus. However to my dismay, the fact that Trump is banning TikTok took cover. Why in the world does he have it out for TickTock? We have 1 million other things ruining our society that he could be focused on.

Not only that, but someone should ban him from Twitter. His PR person is terrible. His tweets alone are reason enough to not like him. And that’s discounting the actual terrible acts he performs in real life. And his misogyny.

I don’t know the exact reasoning behind his TikTok ban other than he’s blaming China for something again. In reality, a 14-year-old girl probably did an elaborate dance-filled impersonation of him and it really hurt his feelings. And once he got all up in his feels, he was most likely blocked from pressing the red button by his security team who are grossly underpaid no matter how much money they make.

Breaking news: there is more to life than politics. I am so sick of political nonsense taking up every bit of my Facebook feed and being the focus on every comment on Twitter. I realize that it is important and that it is also an election year, but there are so many other things that we could be focusing on that are just as important, if not more.

A troll doll that looks like Trump
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

Trumps opinion on anything ranks right up there with the opinion of a cat turd. I realize I am opposed by a lot of people by having this opinion, but that bothers me none. I am able to respect others that have different views than me. And other than this article and a few other things on my blog, no one has any clue to my political affiliations. I don’t argue with people over my views or engage in pointless debates that will change no one’s mind in the end.

I am so tired of hearing about Trump and yet here I am talking about him. That’s where his genius lay. Like him or not, I think we can all agree that we are tired of hearing about him, seeing him, and arguing about him. I am damn sure tired of reading his tweets. If you don’t see them on Twitter, you will see them in the news. I don’t know him personally, but he portrays himself to be the most arrogant person I have ever known to exist. How does one get to that level of self-love?

Based on what I can see from talking to family and friends, faith in our government and news sources is at an all time low. I wish there was a law that regulated that the news be given objectively without a political point of view or skewed vision. I also wish there was a law that they throw in some good news every now and then so everybody doesn’t grow up thinking that the world is a complete madhouse.

Why do politics, especially, cause such a division in our country? I don’t remember it being like this when I was growing up. Republicans and Democrats and liberals all mixed together.

Manners indicated you didn’t talk about politics and religion in a group setting. I think we should go back to that time. We need to respect each other’s beliefs. No one has ever changed their mind, that I’m aware of, from being yelled at over the Internet.

Please make it stop.

Posted in Cleaning, Life, tips

Grandma’s Greatest Disappointment

Posted on by Kylie
Grandma’s Disappointment With My Cleaning Skills
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I am not a good housekeeper. Not according to my mother and her mother’s standards anyway. Compared to most of the rental properties I have to inspect, I am a regular Martha Stewart minus the felonies. Cleaning standards are varied according to whoever is judging whom at that minute. These nagging opinions didn’t really bother me until I got left a bottle of Clorox in my grandma’s will.

I’m not begrudging that Clorox now because we are in a pandemic and it is very hard to find. Who’s laughing now, cousin Bobby?

Over the years I have learned many tips and tricks about cleaning. Tips learned for the soul purpose of making cleaning go easier, faster, and without much effort being involved.

Q-Tip

This little ear cleaning device can be used in a thousand different ways. It is the perfect size to get the dust out of crevices and tiny items. I love to use this to clean my air return vents. Most people don’t think about those, but I am not most people.

Magic Eraser

I don’t know what material this is made out of. If I had to guess, I would say a cloud. Whatever it is, it is an absolute lifesaver. That shit will get the dirt off of anything. You can clean walls with it. You can clean trash cans with it. You can clean the inside of your refrigerator with it. I’ve never tried it, but you could probably clean your kid with it.

Salt

Salt can make cleaning cast iron a breeze. Sprinkle dirty pan liberally with salt. Let it sit at least fifteen minutes and then scrub the gunk right off! I could write a book on cast iron. But I won’t today.

You can also sprinkle salt on a rust stain on the carpet. Pour hot water over the salt coated stain. Wait fifteen minutes or more and then the stain will blot right out.

Newspaper

Although this will be obsolete many years from now, I’ll be set because my stepfather was the editor of the paper and has hoarded about 10 years’ worth of papers.

My grandmother always said that they were good for cleaning mirrors, but I could not get them to not cause streaks or prevent the ink from transferring. But I do use it as a cleaning tool for any outside work that I need to do. That includes cleaning my front porch railings, my rocking chairs, my side tables, and my planters. I know you’re thinking I’m a huge old bore right now, but I do know how to good have a good time, I promise.

Baking Soda

My grandmother swore by it, but I really can’t say it works. However, Mammaw, I keep baking soda in my fridge to kill odors and I also sprinkle down my drains.

I’m not cleaning my floors with a toothbrush. I just don’t care that much.

Vinegar

I’m not gonna lie. This stuff stinks. End it stinks regardless of apple cider variety or any other kind. You just cannot make a flavor strong enough to get past the stink of vinegar.

However, it cleans amazingly and can be used to clean all kinds of stuff. I’ve heard of people to actually only use vinegar and use it to clean everything. I don’t because I can’t stand the smell. I don’t want my house smelling like a douche.

But if you’re judging something as far as usefulness goes, vinegar can be used for more than cleaning. It can be used for pickling, lice removal, bug spray, etc.

I hope my Mammaw’s cleaning tips will help you. Maybe she will be prouder of you than me.

Posted in Life

Life Lessons For My Children

Posted on by Kylie
Life Lessons For My Children
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Two of my children have already suffered the loss of one parent. The pain they felt from that was agonizing and left me vengeful. The curtain I had put up to hide life’s darkness from their little eyes had fallen off and I didn’t know how to fix it.

Since then, my biggest nightmare has always been having to leave them alone in this world before they are ready for me to go. I know the day will someday come and I hope I will have been able to ingrain the lessons they need to know about life into them by then.

Maintenance

As a property manager, I am continually surprised by the number of adults that can’t take care of basic maintenance in their home. I don’t want my children ever to be dependant on someone else to do things that they are perfectly capable of doing themselves. Despite what my daughter thinks, she is not a princess and she can do whatever she is not too lazy to take on.

Identity

You will not find your identity in another person so stop trying to be anyone other than you. Just because your boyfriend likes hot rods doesn’t mean that you have to. You can have your own set of hobbies, strengths, and weaknesses. Common ground will show itself eventually, don’t try to force it.

Complacency

Don’t mistake comfort for happiness. Don’t get complacent in any area of your life. Always keep growing, loving, learning, and doing. When we stop doing those things, our lives become purposeless. We were not meant to be a stagnant species.

Boundaries

I wish I had learned this lesson early. It is absolutely necessary to set and maintain boundaries with every single relationship in your life. Draw your lines in the sand and do not compromise on this. Learn to say no and to say no more often. Unfortunately, takers will try to take more than you are capable of giving. Not everyone has the same heart you do.

Choices

Every decision we make or action we take part in has an equal reaction. Everything you do will affect your future self and your future circumstances. If things aren’t going right, look at some of the choices you’ve made instead of looking for someone else to blame.

Emotions

I hope they feel the emotions that are offered them, good or bad. I hope they never think the problems of others are less than theirs. No one’s problems are insubstantial. Everyone hurts and bleeds and deserves it to be acknowledged. We also can never know what someone is going through on the inside. Not everyone likes to whine and throw pity parties on social media.

The less fortunate

I hope they will look at the homeless, addicted, and fallen, but only see a beautiful soul. I hope they realize that the gold plated veneer of the beautiful eventually galvanizes and all that which was shiny becomes dull. I hope they learn that mankind is not a currency to be used to gain status. Do all good deeds quietly and with humility.

Obstacles

Every obstacle or difficulty is put in our path so we can defeat it. Through suffering, we all become wiser and more apt to grow and spark change. The passionate and driven will always replace the indifference.There are many, many other things that need to be taught to my children before they will be completely ready to be good and decent human beings.

I don’t want them to feel any pressure, but the fate of the world just may be resting on one of their shoulders.

Posted in Humor, Life, satire

The Mansplanation

Posted on by Kylie
Mansplaining
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I once asked if water had calories in it. I am not proud of this moment. I was sixteen, but my obvious confusion by the laughter, cleared up immediately once Randy explained it to me. I knew that would happen. I only seem to be able to understand the logistics of something when a man is kind enough to mansplain it. My favorite thing is when they explain the workings of the female reproductive system.

A mansplanation is much like an explanation, but done so in a manner that is easier to understand for us women. You know, because our brains don’t work like men’s do.

One time, I was at the gas station standing there completely flabbergasted about what kind of snack I wanted to eat. Then a helpful gentleman moseyed up behind me, grabbed my hips and said, “Excuse me, little lady. I’m just trying to help you when I tell you that you probably don’t need any chocolate or a cookie. There are bananas for sale upfront at $.89 each.” He winked at me and walked away. So, that is when I got my first felony.

Thousands of mansplanations later, I am a Property Manager of over 185 rental properties which includes having to oversee many different vendors and contractors. Many of which whom are older and maler than I am. Some have no problem getting direction from a woman, but others feel the need to try to argue with me and mansplain everything.

I’ve had them mansplain the way air filters work and where they go, how to reset a garbage disposal, and how to find the cheapest tampons. Yes, they know everything. There is literally no need for us to learn anything.

But without the mansplanation, how would I have learned how to put air in my tires? How would I have learned the price per pound of groceries?

I hope one day to teach my own sons the art of mansplaining. I realize I am not a man, but I’ve experienced it enough to teach it, I believe. I’m sure a man will correct me if I’m wrong in this opinion.

Maybe once society gets this under their belt, we can work on the womansplanation. I’m imagining it to make a lot more sense and to include a lot more logic instead of, “Because I said so.” It might even include graphs and references.