Category: love

Posted in Humor, love, Satire, sex

Weapons Of Mass Seduction: Amazing New Sex Toys

Posted on by Kylie
How normal household items can be used in the bedroom
Homemade bread sits on a napkin besides silverware.
Photo Credits Above

Attention fellow Chicks and Cocks, I am about to blow your minds. The following revelations might be disturbing to some of you, but it will prove revolutionary for the ones of you that aren’t scared of trying new things. For this particular article, I am focusing on the man, but some of these may work with women as well, especially if they are gym teachers.

For once, it will be about the lady’s pleasure. Many of y’all are not ladies, in the traditional sense, but that’s neither here nor there.

First of all, men and female gym teachers are generally weird AF. Before y’all get all puffy on me, I said generally. There are exceptions. I don’t know any offhand, but that’s beside the point. Men are extremely perverted but usually lack any real sexual creativity. It’s always about baby oil, canned corn, and whipped cream.

Fellas, anything can be made into a sexual accessory if you try hard enough and you are perverted enough. Don’t let the opinions of others, society or laws hold you back. A felony may only last a moment, but memories last a lifetime.

I could write an epic amount of extreme and perverse content on this subject, so I spent nineteen months narrowing down my list. I also condensed the number of ways each item can be used from 3,421 to no more than 17, but mainly one. I believe that is fair enough. Besides, what do I care what is fair? I’m not a politician so pretending to care is not in my job description. You’re lucky you got one.

Disclaimer: I take no personal responsibility if you get hurt. I take no in-personal responsibility either, for that matter. And also, I only want positive comments. No one wants your criticism, even if you fluff it up by calling it constructive.

The Spatula

The spatula is the perfect weapon in the bedroom. It is firm, but bendy, which makes it perfect for hard spankings when you’ve been a bad girl or your man/girl/partner deserves punishment for eating your skittles. Or so I’ve heard. Obviously, I don’t do that kind of stuff. My background as a former nun prohibits me from any pleasure taken from pain. Unless it is self-flagellation with a whip, obviously.

Grater

Normally used for grating cheese or vegetables, this can be used to give sensual pedicures. What did you think I was going to say?

OR you could scrape the ass cheese off of your lover. I won’t lie. This will probably hurt. I don’t know for sure because my lover was gagged while I did this.

Measuring Cup

You don’t just measure the banana! We all know they’re going to say it’s 8 inches anyway. But while you’re at it, go ahead and measure the berries. See how many ounces they make.

Sure, it’s weird, but isn’t everything that they do? We are allowed to be weird if we want. And I know I can’t be the only one who wants to know how many ounces my husband’s berries weigh.

They are 12 ounces.

Colander

Obviously, this is to be used as a hat. Duh. You can be a warrior in bed in addition to real-life since you probably carry the weight of the whole family on your back and your husband’s balls in your purse.

Ladle

For pouring chocolate and White Zinfandel all over the body of your lover. Or scalding hot wax if you’re more into that sort of thing. Personally, my husband loves me to pour lukewarm vegetable soup upon his taint during foreplay. Ha, just kidding. We don’t do foreplay.

Hand Mixer

It can beat more than just potatoes, if you get my drift. It can also be used to give an erotic massage or to blend a sphincter. Really, you are only limited to your imagination.

Cutting Board

Is it, though? It’s more of a paddle and should be used as such. Let nothing hold you back, including the law, from using this to beat whatever you want. It’s done in a sexual nature, no matter your anger level, if Barry White is playing and some of your skin is showing.

I hope that you are as grateful as you should be after reading this article. These tips should make your sex life become as amazing as you are. But, what do I know? I’m a nun. Let me know how it all comes out.

Originally posted at Medium.com

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Posted in Life, love, Poetry

All The Little Children

Posted on by Kylie

Small and mighty

A mother holds a newborn baby’s feet in her hands.
See above photo credits

This poem was originally posted on Medium. Original posting

The product of a love that will never die.

Note how easy they are to overlook.

Strong but fragile, resilient but breakable.

The seeds of your heart left to run wild.

Let them, before the wildness is banished.

Rearing is much easier when you threaten the unavoidable.

Mothers know that endless loss is the only criteria for parenting.

Fathers know the love will always be unrequited.

And all the parents learned about the small, devastating hours.

Spent wiping tears while spilling them in synchronicity.

Parental allusion for their little people is completely fictitious.

We are all blind to the truths.

Doomed only seeing the love they carry away from our hearts.

As they beat outside of us.

Posted in Humor, Life, love

Sarcasm Is My Love Language

Posted on by Kylie

Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.

Sarcasm is my love language is written over a backdrop of Paris' Eiffel tower. Love is not what you say. Love is what you do.
Made With Canva

Is gentle scorn or sarcasm really worse than public displays of affection? I don’t think so. Apparently, I am in the minority with this view. I would much rather roast someone than hug them. Sarcasm is how I show my love. In other words, it is my love language.

Am I proud of this? No. It’s just who I am. I am not a very demonstrative person. I get that from my mother. We hugged on holidays and when I gave birth. Because of this, I am the most awkward hugger on the planet.

I have always been the type of person to show my love with gentle scorn, or sarcasm, rather than affection or generic platitudes. You will feel my love by the heat of my sarcasm. Except for my mother, obviously. She doesn’t understand sarcasm and would beat my butt into oblivion.

The people that know me understand that about me. They love me for it. The people that don’t know me well think I’m a huge bitch. They are not wrong, but I’m not the kind of huge bitch they think I am.

A man named Gary Chapman wrote a book entitled The Five Love Languages. In the book, Gary basically says that people show their love and receive love in different ways and it’s all about finding out what you or your partner’s love language is. This book seems to help people find the way to love their partner in the ways they need and understand. You could just ask your partner what they are missing from you in the relationship and save $24.99. Just saying.

I use attention, humor, sex, gentle bullying, and sarcasm to show my love to my husband. I think my love language combo would be a new mix for the author of the book. I am a pretty odd duck according to everyone that has ever met me.

My husband is actually the sensitive one that shows his love by holding my hand and doing chores around the house. He thinks he is doing those chores for me since he’s a man and thinks deep down inside chores are a woman’s obligation. He would never say that out loud of course. However, he acts as if he is owed a parade thrown in his honor after he completes them.

Multi-colored spray painted hearts
Photo by Renee Fisher on Unsplash

Love can be felt and seen in a million different ways. From a text checking up on you to a home cooked meal, love is not always tangible and physical. It is a phone call, flowers when you’re grieving, visits when you’re sick, and tears for you when you’re hurting. I believe that the little things are worth the most. They signify a real, lasting love.

I have always told my children, as they have grown up and experienced falling in love, and then their first heartbreak, if a love starts fast like spontaneous combustion, it will die just as quickly. If a love is built slowly from a solid friendship, it will be more likely to be enduring.

A beautiful hummingbird picture inside of a heart
Photo by Andrew Lane on Unsplash

If we focus less on how we receive love and more on the ways we can give it, we might not be such miserable dirtbags sometimes. Despite my snarkiness and sarcasm, I am very thankful for every little act of love and every kindness I am shown.

We can apply this principle to many areas in our lives. It’s the small actions, done consistently, that add up to cause the biggest difference made. Being a giver will always bring more back to you than being a taker will.

Love is not what you say. Love is what you do. Also, romantic love is not always the strongest kind, only the most glorified.

Fire pits & patio heaters

Posted in Ideas, Life, life lessons, love, Marriage, Relationships, tips

Ways To Find A Person Worthy Of Your Love

Posted on by Kylie

How I met an amazing man after two awful marriages

A young couple enjoying romance and true love on a beautiful beach.
Art By Author using www.canva.com

After two horrible marriages, I was absolutely determined never to fall in love again. My heart was battered and bruised and I had my children to raise alone. I was also financially devastated since neither one of my husbands had ever opted to pay child-support.

People with similar values, lifestyles, and goals will find each other. It is as if our hearts are radars that search each other out in the dark. This works for the bad as well, I would think.As much as this is true, it is hard to find people that have the same exact beliefs as someone else does. It is even harder to find someone that is worthy of your love. It seems to get harder the older you get. Or maybe you just put up with less.

After dating and marrying two men that could not have been much worse for me, I finally found a love worthy of my heart. I just got remarried for the third and final time. I found a man that treats me like a Queen. He puts up with enormous amounts of my shenanigans. He is everything that I never thought really existed. He is stable and responsible. He is the peace to my flame.

I was not looking for love. I wasn’t trying to find him or anyone else. I was not dating at all. I was focusing on myself, my children, and my future after a traumatizing second marriage. It turns out things can go from bad to worse, as I learned in that second marriage.

People ask me all the time how I got so lucky to meet such a good man. They obviously don’t know about my first marriage or my second. This made me think about what I had done differently this time. I also took a closer look at some of the other people I knew that were lucky enough to find true love.

Social events can serve a purpose

As for my happy ending, I met my amazing husband through my neighbor at a cookout. My neighbor had been trying for a while to set me up with this friend of his, but I just wasn’t interested in dating at the time. I actually had no intentions of ever dating again much less getting married.

I went to the cookout, at my next door neighbor’s house, more out of boredom than anything. I knew some friends would be there and needed an excuse to socialize with some wine. Suddenly, my neighbor walks up alongside this tall man and I knew instantly what was going on. I was not interested, but I wasn’t rude. We chatted for a moment and then it was time to eat. He wandered inside to get his plate.

A few minutes later, he reappeared and I was shocked to see that he had made me a plate and had brought it to me along with a chair. He had even buttered my corn. Fast forward to now. We are married, I am madly in love, and we still say he won me by buttering my corn.

Not all people online are creeps

Believe it or not, two of my favorite married couples both met on Match.com. This really surprised me. I had always thought online dating or apps like Tinder were for just hook ups. I was wrong. I was told most people that are serious about finding love go to the paid sites. The people that are just looking for hook ups go to the free sites such as Tinder. Don’t kill the messenger, that’s just what I was told.

Schools and dog parks have plenty of similarities

90% of the couples I questioned met in school. They either met in high school or in their college years. They all have been together ever since. Personally, I am glad I did not meet my soul mate that early because I was able to have a little bit of fun before my life turned into a total disaster.

One couple I interviewed met at a dog park. Their dogs actually connected first. This is my favorite story of the people I asked. It reminds me of something straight out of a romantic comedy. Once they started talking, they bonded immediately and exchanged phone numbers. He called her that night. They have seen each other every day since then. Only six months later, they were engaged. Eighteen months later, they were married. And ten years later, they are still married.

Weddings don’t have to suck

Going to a wedding does not always have to be awful and soul crushing. One couple that I questioned met at a wedding of a mutual friend. They both contemplated seriously not attending. They are still astounded about how one tiny decision affected their entire life and how close they came to missing it. Remember that the next time you are sitting in your underwear, eating a bag of chips and thinking about skipping that invitation.

It seems to me that the happiest couples found love when they were not looking. They were happy and satisfied with their lives alone. And then, right when they least expected it, the right person came into their lives.

Be kind to others, work on improving yourself and be open to trying new experiences. You just may find the love you have given up on.

This made me curious though. I knew that I played a part in my meeting of them in before him. I was determined that I would do things differently after those marriages, but I never got around to that.I started looking at my group of friends that were married or in love. I asked the seemingly happiest couples about the circumstances surrounding their meetings.