Tag: lifestyle

Posted in Christmas, Life

Has Christmas Cheer Evolved Into Christmas Greed?

Posted on by Kylie
I ask the questions and I also answer them. It’s like talking to yourself, but in writing
I woman enjoys looking at Christmas lights during the holiday season.
See Above Photo Creds

If I ask a question and then answer it myself, does that mean I am impatient? No. It means I am either asking a rhetorical question, or trying to have a conversation with my sister.

Could I get ahead financially if Christmas didn’t exist?

I think we can all agree that Christmas has turned into a holiday for capitalism instead of that in which it was truly intended. The birth of Jesus Christ has taken a back seat for so long that you can hardly recognize the original purpose of Christmas. If I had to guess, I would say probably 3/4 of the people celebrating the birth of Jesus, don’t even show up for Christmas services at any church. It has evolved from the birth of a savior into a commercial holiday design to break us financially and boost the economy.

Gift giving has turned away from giving people gifts you want to give them to taking requests and getting into fights over said requests on Black Friday.

Don’t misunderstand me. I am all about boosting the economy and I value the concept of capitalism. However, we have all year to exercise our capitalistic ventures. So, I find it almost offensive to take a sacred date and twist it to become a commercial holiday. Christmas is starting to be a date to worship money. No better than Valentine’s Day. This is a travesty to everybody that died in the name of Christianity, which was a lot of people. In medieval terms, it would’ve been called an excessive butt load.

As I prepare the Christmas list to go shopping for six children, it becomes very clear that they have no earthly idea how much money I make or what kind of bills we have to pay each month. A PlayStation five, iPhone 12 and Gucci shoes are just the tip of the iceberg. The ratchet part of me wants to yell out cuss words and call them names. I hate to tell them, but they will probably be getting sweatsuits and I hope they are happy with that and understand how lucky they are for them to not be windbreakers from the nineties. Which I would have loved as a teenager, by the way.

Parents through no fault of their own, other than being big softies, fall to the manipulation that their children become prey if they are not dressed in the most expensive apparel. I hate to break it to them, but if one provides children with other things, such as a personality and a backbone, those things don’t matter. What kind of message are we sending our children that we buy things we can’t afford so they can fit in socially? We all want to give our children the things we didn’t have, but don’t do it! It does more harm than good, especially when in excess.

As someone who is legally an adult, I don’t care at all if my co-workers or anyone I know are wearing a brand shirt or not. I don’t care how much their shoes cost. I care if they smell good and are relatively clean. I did care, briefly, as a teenager and begged my parents for a leather bomber jacket and Duckhead pants. My parents said no. I survived and learned to live with, and appreciate, what they could afford to give me.

My Christmas as a kid consisted of my parents giving me one nice gift along with a few small ones, which was a whole lot better than the apple and the orange that my mother supposedly got every year. I’m still not sure that is totally true, but I heard about it every Christmas. For that reason and many others, I would never have asked my parents for anything that cost over $500. Actually, I would never ask them for anything that cost over $70.

Extremely high expectations are just another example of how we have coddled our children to the point that they are spoiled and materialistic. I’m not saying to boycott Christmas, because it’s a beautiful holiday. But we shouldn’t let the materialistic aspect of it stress us out to the point of not being able to enjoy it, which is what many parents do every year.

Children will not remember you for what you bought them for Christmas, but they will remember how often you were there for them when they needed you. Going without the items one wants encourages hard work and builds strong character. I have never met anyone with a strong character that was ashamed of having one, nor anyone who didn’t consider it a great trait.

The bottom line is, do what you can afford, give what you want to give, and not one iota more. Personally, providing me and my husband with a strong financial future, so I don’t live in my children’s backyard in a portable storage unit, is more important than purchasing the latest DaBaby sweatshirt for $80.00.

Christmas is a religious holiday and should be honored as such. If you are not religious, but choose to celebrate the holiday anyway, it should be about appreciation, love, gratitude, and giving from your heart. Not giving from a list of $1,000 requests.

Originally posted on Medium.com

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Posted in Humor, love, Satire, sex

Weapons Of Mass Seduction: Amazing New Sex Toys

Posted on by Kylie
How normal household items can be used in the bedroom
Homemade bread sits on a napkin besides silverware.
Photo Credits Above

Attention fellow Chicks and Cocks, I am about to blow your minds. The following revelations might be disturbing to some of you, but it will prove revolutionary for the ones of you that aren’t scared of trying new things. For this particular article, I am focusing on the man, but some of these may work with women as well, especially if they are gym teachers.

For once, it will be about the lady’s pleasure. Many of y’all are not ladies, in the traditional sense, but that’s neither here nor there.

First of all, men and female gym teachers are generally weird AF. Before y’all get all puffy on me, I said generally. There are exceptions. I don’t know any offhand, but that’s beside the point. Men are extremely perverted but usually lack any real sexual creativity. It’s always about baby oil, canned corn, and whipped cream.

Fellas, anything can be made into a sexual accessory if you try hard enough and you are perverted enough. Don’t let the opinions of others, society or laws hold you back. A felony may only last a moment, but memories last a lifetime.

I could write an epic amount of extreme and perverse content on this subject, so I spent nineteen months narrowing down my list. I also condensed the number of ways each item can be used from 3,421 to no more than 17, but mainly one. I believe that is fair enough. Besides, what do I care what is fair? I’m not a politician so pretending to care is not in my job description. You’re lucky you got one.

Disclaimer: I take no personal responsibility if you get hurt. I take no in-personal responsibility either, for that matter. And also, I only want positive comments. No one wants your criticism, even if you fluff it up by calling it constructive.

The Spatula

The spatula is the perfect weapon in the bedroom. It is firm, but bendy, which makes it perfect for hard spankings when you’ve been a bad girl or your man/girl/partner deserves punishment for eating your skittles. Or so I’ve heard. Obviously, I don’t do that kind of stuff. My background as a former nun prohibits me from any pleasure taken from pain. Unless it is self-flagellation with a whip, obviously.

Grater

Normally used for grating cheese or vegetables, this can be used to give sensual pedicures. What did you think I was going to say?

OR you could scrape the ass cheese off of your lover. I won’t lie. This will probably hurt. I don’t know for sure because my lover was gagged while I did this.

Measuring Cup

You don’t just measure the banana! We all know they’re going to say it’s 8 inches anyway. But while you’re at it, go ahead and measure the berries. See how many ounces they make.

Sure, it’s weird, but isn’t everything that they do? We are allowed to be weird if we want. And I know I can’t be the only one who wants to know how many ounces my husband’s berries weigh.

They are 12 ounces.

Colander

Obviously, this is to be used as a hat. Duh. You can be a warrior in bed in addition to real-life since you probably carry the weight of the whole family on your back and your husband’s balls in your purse.

Ladle

For pouring chocolate and White Zinfandel all over the body of your lover. Or scalding hot wax if you’re more into that sort of thing. Personally, my husband loves me to pour lukewarm vegetable soup upon his taint during foreplay. Ha, just kidding. We don’t do foreplay.

Hand Mixer

It can beat more than just potatoes, if you get my drift. It can also be used to give an erotic massage or to blend a sphincter. Really, you are only limited to your imagination.

Cutting Board

Is it, though? It’s more of a paddle and should be used as such. Let nothing hold you back, including the law, from using this to beat whatever you want. It’s done in a sexual nature, no matter your anger level, if Barry White is playing and some of your skin is showing.

I hope that you are as grateful as you should be after reading this article. These tips should make your sex life become as amazing as you are. But, what do I know? I’m a nun. Let me know how it all comes out.

Originally posted at Medium.com

Posted in Death, Life

How Tragedy Turned My Life Around Positively

Posted on by Kylie

My sister’s death from cancer opened my eyes to life

A victorious woman holds her arm up in the air with a closed fist.
The hardest times always show us something.

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” — T.S. Elliot

My sister’s death from sudden, aggressive lung cancer changed who I am as a person forever. I know, without a doubt, that I will never be the same Kylie again.

We all are aware that death is inevitable. But, it still hurts in a way unlike any other pain when it happens, especially sudden and tragic deaths. Healing does happen and I know this. Her loss was not my first just my most sudden and tragic. I have buried a husband and my father, but this death just hit me differently and out of nowhere.

I woke up the day after her death, expecting to feel the heaviness of grief. And I did. But I also realized immediately that I was a changed person who, going forward, would be living life differently. I suddenly understood I had been holding myself back in almost all areas of my entire life. I was living my life by trying to avoid attention. I was not being who I really wanted to be. Life was suddenly an extremely fragile thing that I had been wasting for years on mediocrity. I would no longer waste a second that was given to me.

Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world.

Jane Addams

What stops us from trying new things? In my opinion, it is due to the opinion’s of our peers or the people we consider to be the closest to us. Why? Because we know the masses are uncomfortable with being different than the rest and with change of any kind. A lot of conformists want everyone around them to be leery and rejecting of anything different than the status quo. I refuse, adamantly, to live my life like that going forward.

The masses have always viewed anyone who does, looks, or acts differently than the rest of society as odd or outcasts. I find that herd mentally extremely disturbing. Why can’t the different personalities be beautiful or brave instead of outcasts or troublemakers? Personally, I find bland and normal people to be boring as hell and shallow.

What would our lives look like if we took chances, fought back or rocked the boat sometimes instead of cowering? Is the fear of failure or embarrassment really that big of a deal? I don’t understand, because I do not care if people like me or not. What if we had taken more chances? What could we have accomplished by now? Would cancer be cured? Would my sister be alive?

So, I decided in my grief that I would live my life without fear holding me back from anything. I owe this to her beautiful soul. I will never take my life for granted again. She did not want to die. I will live for her now. I will keep her memory alive in her granddaughter, Piper, that she never knew was coming or got to see.

My main goal is to go sliding feet first into my grave. I want the gossips to keep busy by talking about me. I want to have lived a large, exciting, meaningful life filled with amazing moments and memories astounding enough to be talked about in my family for generations to come. I will not accept my fate as being one of the other sheep in this world.

I started my new found way of living by deciding to follow my dream of writing. This was a huge deal to me because I had always let the opinions of others hold me back in this regard. The value of other’s opinions died along with my sister. I started writing and I have not stopped since. Much to my family’s chagrin. I have a lot I still need to get out.

I write more humor pieces than anything. I do this because I have used humor as a coping mechanism my whole existence. There is nothing that I can not twist and mold to turn into a laughable situation. I am comforted in my grief by the memory of her laughing at my antics.

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.

Goethe

I have started a website, started blogging, joined Medium, and haven’t looked back. Am I a huge success? No. However, success is subjective. Writing makes me happy. That makes it a success in my eyes. And, going forward, my opinion is the only one that I will validate.

From now until the end of my days, if I want to do something or experience life, I’m going to do it. Haters riding on my life train can get off at any time. I sincerely hope they do. I am not blind to a few of my friends and the fickleness they show with their support. The time has come for fake friends or people with less than pure intentions to exit my life. That way, I will have room for more supportive people to enter my life. I am definitely ready for some new passengers on my figurative life train.

I will no longer make any apologies or explanations for anything I do. I am different and I am loud. I am too much of a woman for some and too little of a woman to others. I am not here to follow. I am here to lead. I am me. I am proud of who I am and I am free for the first time in my forty one years. And it feels amazing.

I have the full love, support, and acceptance of my husband. He has embraced every change that I have made and fully supported every shenanigan and/or scheme that I have ever come up with. Whether it ends up being successful or not in the end.

I also have the support of my other sister who is my best friend in this world and has been since I was born. Even if my writing is terrible, she knows it is a healing process for me and builds me up every chance she gets. I also support her in how she expresses her own grief which is in a very different and private way.

Let us resolve to be masters, not the victims, of our history, controlling our own destiny without giving way to blind suspicions and emotions.

John Kennedy

As far as the memory of my lost sister goes, I can still hear her sweet voice when I close my eyes. I know she would be supportive of me. I miss her everyday and I am prepared to live the remainder of my life missing her. But, instead of focusing on all that I have lost and my sadness, I am going to focus on living and making myself, and her, proud.

Posted in Finance, Life, money

My 7 Favorite Dave Ramsey Tips

Posted on by Kylie

I wish I could be his obnoxious, female equivalent

Beautiful artwork that resembles money.

Almost everybody knows who Dave Ramsey is. No, he’s not Jon Benet’s father. I’m talking about Dave Ramsey, financial expert and advisor extraordinaire. He is the financial world’s equivalent to Dr. Phil. He is able to convey financial and money matters in a way that all who hear it can understand it.

I wish I could be the female version of Ramsey. But, alas, I am not eloquent and I like to party a little too much. So, in his honor, I would like to share my favorite Dave Ramsey tips.

1. Open, fill, and maintain an emergency fund in case you lose your job or a catastrophe happens. This is typically three months of living expenses.

2. The power of focusing. Pay off one small debt at a time instead of trying to do all of them or multiple ones at once. This is called, according to Dave, a debt snowball. It is a lot less stressful and a lot more feasible than trying to pay off everything at one time.

3. Use cash to pay for everything. If you can’t afford to pay cash, you can’t afford it. Credit should be saved for emergency situations.

4. Invest 15% in retirement. Unfortunately, I cannot allocate that much, but I hope to be able to get there soon. I would love to go back and slap younger me for not starting earlier.

5. Live poor now so you can live rich later.

6. Never, ever buy a new car. They depreciate as soon as you drive off of the lot. This is just not a smart move at all, financially. In all fairness, my dad taught me this long before Ramsey did.

7. Pay off your mortgage early. That’s one less debt you will have upon retiring.

Dave Ramsey is a favorite of mine because he doesn’t over complicate things. Sometimes, it really is as simple as it sounds.

You can see from the above tips how easily you can change your life and your finances. After taking the first step in the right direction, the next steps come much easier. Take the first step towards being debt free.

Posted in Blended Family, Christmas, Family, Holidays, Life, Marriage, parenting

Merry Christmas And Happy Holidays

Posted on by Kylie
My blended family’s 2020 digital Christmas Card.
Author Retains Right To Picturei

It is 6:46 pm on December 23 and I am still at my office, which is located roughly thirty minutes from my house. I stopped working at five. But I am so far behind in my Christmas shopping this year, that I have to begin most of my shopping tonight. As I look at my children’s Christmas lists and add things to carts online, I am reflecting back on what has to be one of the worst years of my life. However, instead of dwelling on that, I have decided to write about all the blessings I experienced instead.

Primarily, I got married to the most amazing husband who is pictured in the picture above. My kids and I love him more than words could ever articulate. He is the family that I have spent my entire life chasing. I won’t deny that when my wedding venue got cancelled on the eve of my wedding and then my honeymoon got cancelled the day of my wedding, I started to panic a little. That was all Covid’s doing, though. We figured it out and the wedding was even better than anticipated.

We have weathered the many, many trials 2020 has sent us together and the heavy stress has caused us to bend at times. But we didn’t break. And now, we are all stronger as a family. We may be chaotic and filled with one catastrophe after another but, as long as we stick together, we always come out of the other side stronger and more resilient. And, most importantly, grateful for every blessing we get.

Thank you to everyone that has followed my blog, sent me support and guidance, or just read my articles. I write this primarily for my own therapy. This blog has been another blessing that I cannot discount.

Merry Christmas to everyone, or Happy Holidays, or thank you. Every like, read, and comment was more support than I expected and it is very much appreciated. I sincerely hope that 2021 will be a different year for all of us, hopefully better, than 2020. If it is not, I will still find many blessings to count.

Posted in Blended Family, Family, Ideas, Life, parenting, tips

Ridiculous Advice or Profound Insights?

Posted on by Kylie
Made With Canva

 I got my love for shocking people from my mother. No filter, no care for political correctness, and no f*&ks given were also handed down to me, via the maternal side. We also have the same straight face that makes messing with others extremely fun as no one can tell if we are kidding or not.

As a child, and now as an adult, she provided me with love, laughter, confusion, and fear. All the things that make up a great parent, in my mind. Over the years, and despite what I told myself growing up, I have adopted some of her ways as my own. Others, I have left for her to keep to herself.

Photo by Tim Foster on Unsplash

Hoe Up/Hoe Down

This advice is a gem that I have passed down to my own kids. There comes an age, usually in middle school, when the size of a shirt or a pair of shorts suddenly become the size of a peanut. The tiddly bits of young ladies are almost exposed because they are so short! I sound like my own grandmother right now, but it is what it is.

It was during my own dress like a whore phase that my mother sat me down for a chit chat. She told me, “You have to hoe up or hoe down. You can’t do both or you’ll get a reputation.” The reputation threat didn’t really bother me, because I didn’t care what people thought of me. However, I thought that was really good advice because I wanted to show some kind of illusion of being classy while also submitting to the mating dance of the hormonal, like the other teens.

So when I wore a cleavage bearing shirt, I would wear long pants. When I was rocking some booty shorts, I would make sure my cleavage was covered. Even though I am old as dirt now, I still use this advice often with my children, others and even on myself when I’m feeling particularly whore like.

Thanks, Mom!

This is She

If you answered the phone at my house and you were heard replying, “This is her” to a person asking to speak with you, you were no better than a convicted felon. My stepfather was the editor of the local paper and my mother may have been the first grammar Nazi. I never understood the big deal of it all until I watched my children trying to date people who couldn’t speak correctly. Then I understood. 

Sorry, Mom.

Don’t say fart or crap. That shit is fucked up.

My mother had her own version of bad words. The word fart being the dreaded F word in my house. It was hugely offensive. We had to call it a motor boat. Imagine my surprise when I got older and learned the other definitions of motorboat. 

We won’t talk about how many odd looks I got for gasping in response to someone saying the word fart. 

Appropriate Gifting

All births deserve flowers to be sent and all deaths deserve hand delivered casseroles. Nothing cures grief faster than some tater-tot casserole. All wedding showers will get a money envelope. We don’t give a f$&k about your registry. Have fun buying that new toaster with your new husband, because you are getting what we decide you need.

Furthermore, any necessities that you notate on your registry are to be ignored. We will buy what we want. If it is a cute child, or even an ugly one, we are buying for, we will pick out a cute gift. Otherwise, you will get cash. Those are the only options.

After Midnight

It doesn’t matter how old you are or what the other kids are doing. Nothing is open after midnight except legs and Walmart and you don’t need to be in either of them.

Door

Don’t slam the door!

This was a disrespectful action equitable to flipping the bird or worse. I don’t know if the cost of a door used to be ludicrous or what, but door slamming, aka door damaging, was a big deal back in my day.

I guess the price of doors was a lot higher when I was a kid. Because my mom lost her ever loving mind when I slammed one.

Photo by Jovana Askrabic via Unsplash

Dogs

I grew up thinking that dogs were boys and girls were cats in the pet world. I’m going to tell you that I was not 17 before I knew this was not the case. Just please politely mind your business. Once again, I would like to thank my mother.

Underwear

Never leave the house in underwear that is not in mint condition, lest you die suddenly. It is apparently a huge deal for any EMTs or funeral home workers to see underwear that has been tainted.

Of course now that I’m older and I understand the bodily functions better, I realize this is not reasonable in any way. 

This article just covers the ludicrous that my mother taught me in my childhood. The good things she instilled in me would take several books to record. Maybe one day.