Category: life lessons

Posted in Humor, Life, life lessons, Satire

No More Mrs. Nice Gal: Introducing The New Improved Me

Posted on by Kylie

My decision to join the ones I couldn’t beat

A happy woman lays on the bed of beautiful flowers.
Photo by Unsplash

The old me, from yesterday, was a nice, spineless idiot. The new version of me will be ruthless and successful by any means necessary, legal or otherwise. Unless it comes down to having to kick a puppy. I’m not doing that.

I would love to make you a list of everything that my integrity has gotten me in my life. But, you literally would be reading a list of nothing. Because, it has gotten me nowhere and nothing at all. Nowhere good, anyway.

I have been an average person my entire life. I’m not beautiful and not ugly. I’m not smart and not dumb. The only thing I excel at is being funny and usually at the expense of my own dignity. In case you’re wondering, there’s not a huge job market for funniness and my boss tends to not fathom sarcasm most of the time.

Despite these issues, I have always worked harder than most others just because I’ve always had to. What I’m trying to say, is that I don’t love working myself to death. And I’m hoping one day I can cut back to 50 hours a week or less.

Failure will never take me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

Og Handino

Average face and IQ aside, I have always had a high moral standard. This is the truth, despite any videos you’ve seen on Facebook or what my face may look like. I most assuredly have resting bitch face, but that does not mean that I’m a bitch or that I ever rest.

I’ve never cheated on anybody and I try to be honest as often as I can be. I’m not a religious person, but I do my part to help people when I can. I try not to be mean to people unless they absolutely provoke it.

My intentions were to lead a life full of laughter and moral integrity. But I have since figured out that if I ever want to get ahead in this shitshow of a life, I need to join the rest of society. They figured out a long time ago that you can only get ahead in life by stepping on the hands of others. So I am going to take my shot at being a douche bag, but I will apologize as I do it.

I could’ve been a gold digging ho and had a much easier life, but I chose to work hard and married two losers out of love instead. I could’ve been not lonely for so many years, but I chose not to cheat. I stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of my family. I could have gone to college on a full scholarship, but I chose to get pregnant at 19.

Yes, I know I’m the product of my own choices. But in my defense, I’ve been making pretty good ones since I was 20, but my life is continuing to not improve alongside of my maturity level. What I mean by my maturity level, is my old age.

Our ability to achieve happiness and success depends on the strength of our wings.

Catherine Pulsifer

So many times I could’ve made the choice that would’ve made my life easier, but I said no strictly on the basis of my integrity. Now the clock of death is ticking and I only have so much time to make anything of my life.

So, at the tinder young age of 41, I have finally realized that integrity doesn’t mean shit and nobody cares. I am, as what my son likes to say, woke.

Starting today, I am shoving my integrity up somebody’s butt. I’ll announce the winner later. From now on, if I have to ride people’s backs like a spider monkey to get ahead, I will do it.

As far as my former rule to never snitch on anybody goes, because I didn’t want to get stitches, stitches make for pretty cool scars eventually.

Morals, brutal honesty, and integrity has gotten me two failed marriages, the death of one husband, a lifetime of struggle, debt and chaos. The honesty part has also gotten me written up in HR nineteen times.

But on a lighter note, I can handle stress really well. And you can only go up when you’re at the bottom. I also have a lot of street credibility because I will go ballistic on somebody despite my angelic undertones. You can’t fail harder when you’ve already failed completely.

Today marks a new day in the existence of Kylie. I’m going to be somewhere between the former saintly Kylie and that annoying Kardashian one. I can’t totally throw my morals away all in one sitting. Using hard work and dedication, maybe I’ll actually succeed at quitting my morals.

I am motivated and willing to make the changes needed to one day say that I am a mediocre success instead of an abject failure. Fingers crossed.

Lastly, I would like to point out to my former fifth grade teacher that I am motivating AF. She loved calling me Eeyore because I didn’t walk around smiling like a dumbass all day. So you can suck on that, Mrs. Smith. One day soon, I will show everybody.

So keep an eye out for my name and not in a bad way. But make sure it’s my name, not the Kardashian.

Originally posted on Medium.com.

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Posted in Humor, Life, life lessons, WTF

Tourette’s Syndrome Is Different From Having No Filter

Posted on by Kylie

I don’t have Tourette’s but I still shout things out when I’m nervous

Tourette's Syndrome spelled out in red on a yellow background.
Canva

I’m a fish out of water in a church environment. Actually, anywhere groups of strangers form. I get in a crowded situation and my mind just goes to mush. Then, my mouth opens and verbal diarrhea spills out.

If I was a real doctor, instead of just pretending to be one, I would probably diagnose me with Social Anxiety Disorder. So, obviously, I try and avoid big groups of people.

Nothing can be avoided forever. My friend’s mother passed away recently from COVID. I could not make the service because, I knew what would happen if I went, and I had to work. I didn’t want to look callous because I did care and wanted to show my support. So, I decided to go to the after service memorial, which was located at my friend’s house.

The Memorial

I took extra care at work to not over frazzle myself. I am out in the field a good majority of my day, which means I look like a hot sweaty mess by the time the end of the day comes. I made myself look presentable and raced as fast as I could to make it across town before the party started.

I don’t like making an entrance. I always prefer to be first so I can be the one staring at the newbies walking in. I got there, but I was not first. Or even fiftieth. People were everywhere.

I slunk behind people and entered the house. People were milling about all through the downstairs and the kitchen. I looked for my friend, her family, or anyone familiar.

I finally spotted someone I knew across the room. It was my friend Pete. I got excited to finally see a familiar face. I tried waving but he didn’t see me. He was immersed in a conversation with a grandmotherly figure. So I decided to slightly whisper his name.

“Penis!” I shouted.

Three penis shaped vegetables line up in a row.
Photo by Charles Deluvio on Unsplash

You could hear a pin drop. The next few seconds were only comprised of silence, sweat, and the blood rushing to redden my face.

Obviously, I left immediately after stammering, “I meant Pete.”

The next time you do or say something mortifying, just remember me. This is the kind of social ineptitude that I am known for in my circle. But at least I can make you feel better about yourself.

You’re welcome.

Posted in Family, Friendships, Ideas, Life, life lessons, Relationships

What In The World Is An Empath?

Posted on by Kylie

Is is just someone who listens to their instinct?

An adult hand reaching down with love to hold the hand of a young child.
Canva

I am a very straight-laced, down to earth person with gypsy tendencies. I can also be described as a redneck with an affinity for leopard print. Also, as a tomboy who loves long, dangly earrings. Or an uptight prude, if you’re listening to my children. So, I’ve always scoffed at those who labeled themselves as empaths.

According to the dictionary, an empath is a person with the paranormal ability to apprehend the mental or emotional state of another individual. However, I don’t think most of us that use the word think of it as paranormal activity. It’s almost as if our souls sense the other person’s soul. Our souls communicate nonverbally.

I just thought I was sensitive and/or paranoid.

As I grew older, I noticed my ability to read the vibes and intentions of others got better and better. Suddenly, I felt the bad vibes of the people I had been friends with for years. I tried to ignore it and told myself I was being paranoid. But, after my vibes turned out to be correct on two back to back occasions, I started paying attention.

The first example was when I started thinking my first husband was cheating on me. I ignored my instinct. I called myself paranoid. I would’ve saved myself a lot of heartache if I had paid attention.

The second time was when I felt a sudden coldness between myself and someone I had considered to be a best friend. She just stopped calling me. I knew instantly she wasn’t my friend anymore, I just didn’t know why. I found out just weeks later that she was badmouthing me to other friends. I realized that I had felt this coming. The reason didn’t matter anymore. I didn’t need people like that in my circle.

I can read the vibes of most people around me and once I focused on that, my sales at work far surpassed the quota I had always worked hard to barely meet. I started paying attention to all of my intuition. It has not led me astray yet, that I’m aware of.

A hand holding a card that says — Let your intuition guide you. You are what you’ve been looking for.
Photo by Jen Theodore on Unsplash

I have found that when I go with my instinct I never regret it. And I don’t second-guess myself constantly. When I make that decision, I do it with confidence.

I have found myself being right so often now that it’s almost creepy.

I only wish that I had learned to listen to me forty years ago.

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Posted in Ideas, Life, life lessons

6 Simple Ways To Boost The Immune System

Posted on by Kylie
Tips to boost your immune system
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I was diagnosed with Crohn’s disease at the age of 22. What started out as just weight, bowel, and digestive issues have now progressed to include joint pain and little to no immune system. I catch every bug my six kids bring around me. I worry constantly that the next virus will be my last one. But, I still have stuff to do here before I go home. I have spent countless hours of my life trying to boost my immune system.

I have employed every method known to man to rev my immune system up. I have spent hours of my life hoping and praying I couldone day function like other people seem to do.

I know I am not alone in this battle, so I am noting things that finally seemed to help me. If I listed the items that were worthless and did nothing but take my money, then you would be here for days reading this.

Vitamin C is no joke

I noticed an improvement within eight weeks once I started taking Vitamin C on a daily basis. Especially, through last winter. At my sisters surgeon, I started taking the 500 mg supplement one can purchase at the drugstore. I definitely could tell a difference.

It is always more beneficial if you are able to absorb your vitamins and nutrition through your diet. But as I work 60 hours a week, and have several kids who eat almost only chicken nuggets, it is easier said than done. So, don’t feel guilty about supplements. Anything is better than nothing, said someone once.

Sunlight makes you look and feel good

Most have heard of the sun’s benefits to both physical and mental health, but a lot aren’t aware that, back in the 1800s and since, many hospitals and physicians recommended fresh air and sunshine for almost everything. Of course, they also prescribed slug treatment, cocaine, and heroin, so maybe this wasn’t the best point to go with.

Regardless, every time I get sick, I will go sit outside for at least 30 minutes per day in the fresh air and sunlight. I can almost feel my body soaking up the vitamins and giving my immune system a boost.

Exercise is terrible but it does work

Exercise is the bane of my existence. I hate it. People that run for fun, especially early in the morning, apparently have never, ever had fun in their entire life. Don’t get angry with me, I do realize that it is some sort of addiction or mental illness. So, I generally keep my mouth shut.

Hatred of physical exertion aside, I am still aware that it’s healthy for you. So in desperation, I do try to combine exercising and housework. I love to multitask! especially when I’m doing two activities I hate.

As much as I hate both of them, these sadistic rituals are good for my immune system. I always feel better after I exercise. And I have felt good the few times I have seen my house totally clean.

Diets do not have to be torture

It is true. Everything we have been told growing up by the FDA, seems to be the truth. I still am confused as to how people are able to an entire food pyramid in one day. I feel amazing if I can do it in a week or two. So, I do count my intake on a weekly basis.

Vegetables, fruits, and chicken soup are essential, especially when you are struggling physically. I also swear by chicken pho. I eat it every time I feel bad. It always helps. I almost feel like it would heal a broken bone, but I will not test that theory out.

Elderberry is the fruit we never knew we needed

I am still skeptical, but the elderberry came to my attention in 2018. That year was a particularly rough flu season and I just knew it was a matter of time before I caught it.

I ordered these supplements online and began taking them daily. I started with the syrup and then I progressed to the more advanced gummy version. I have not gotten the flu since then. I know that’s not a terribly long time, but I accredit this to the power of the elderberry.

Water tastes like nothing

I have spent half of my life hating water and avoiding it. It tastes like nothing and one sip will have you urinating 49 times in a row. I would rather be dehydrated than urinate myself to death. but I’m not 12 anymore, so I realized it was time for me to grow up and enjoy the taste of cool tasteless fluid. Can you tell that I will do anything to boost my immune system?

Taste aside, I admit nothing makes me feel better faster than being hydrated. It makes a huge and immediate difference in the way I feel. I believe it also powers up our immune systems. It literally is the magic cure for everything.

Whether you are sickly or just wanting to power up your immune system, I hope these tips are as effective for you as they have been for me.

I pray that anyone reading this, and everyone else also, is blessed with good health as we head into another season of doubt and uncertainty.

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Posted in Ideas, Life, life lessons, love, Marriage, Relationships, tips

Ways To Find A Person Worthy Of Your Love

Posted on by Kylie

How I met an amazing man after two awful marriages

A young couple enjoying romance and true love on a beautiful beach.
Art By Author using www.canva.com

After two horrible marriages, I was absolutely determined never to fall in love again. My heart was battered and bruised and I had my children to raise alone. I was also financially devastated since neither one of my husbands had ever opted to pay child-support.

People with similar values, lifestyles, and goals will find each other. It is as if our hearts are radars that search each other out in the dark. This works for the bad as well, I would think.As much as this is true, it is hard to find people that have the same exact beliefs as someone else does. It is even harder to find someone that is worthy of your love. It seems to get harder the older you get. Or maybe you just put up with less.

After dating and marrying two men that could not have been much worse for me, I finally found a love worthy of my heart. I just got remarried for the third and final time. I found a man that treats me like a Queen. He puts up with enormous amounts of my shenanigans. He is everything that I never thought really existed. He is stable and responsible. He is the peace to my flame.

I was not looking for love. I wasn’t trying to find him or anyone else. I was not dating at all. I was focusing on myself, my children, and my future after a traumatizing second marriage. It turns out things can go from bad to worse, as I learned in that second marriage.

People ask me all the time how I got so lucky to meet such a good man. They obviously don’t know about my first marriage or my second. This made me think about what I had done differently this time. I also took a closer look at some of the other people I knew that were lucky enough to find true love.

Social events can serve a purpose

As for my happy ending, I met my amazing husband through my neighbor at a cookout. My neighbor had been trying for a while to set me up with this friend of his, but I just wasn’t interested in dating at the time. I actually had no intentions of ever dating again much less getting married.

I went to the cookout, at my next door neighbor’s house, more out of boredom than anything. I knew some friends would be there and needed an excuse to socialize with some wine. Suddenly, my neighbor walks up alongside this tall man and I knew instantly what was going on. I was not interested, but I wasn’t rude. We chatted for a moment and then it was time to eat. He wandered inside to get his plate.

A few minutes later, he reappeared and I was shocked to see that he had made me a plate and had brought it to me along with a chair. He had even buttered my corn. Fast forward to now. We are married, I am madly in love, and we still say he won me by buttering my corn.

Not all people online are creeps

Believe it or not, two of my favorite married couples both met on Match.com. This really surprised me. I had always thought online dating or apps like Tinder were for just hook ups. I was wrong. I was told most people that are serious about finding love go to the paid sites. The people that are just looking for hook ups go to the free sites such as Tinder. Don’t kill the messenger, that’s just what I was told.

Schools and dog parks have plenty of similarities

90% of the couples I questioned met in school. They either met in high school or in their college years. They all have been together ever since. Personally, I am glad I did not meet my soul mate that early because I was able to have a little bit of fun before my life turned into a total disaster.

One couple I interviewed met at a dog park. Their dogs actually connected first. This is my favorite story of the people I asked. It reminds me of something straight out of a romantic comedy. Once they started talking, they bonded immediately and exchanged phone numbers. He called her that night. They have seen each other every day since then. Only six months later, they were engaged. Eighteen months later, they were married. And ten years later, they are still married.

Weddings don’t have to suck

Going to a wedding does not always have to be awful and soul crushing. One couple that I questioned met at a wedding of a mutual friend. They both contemplated seriously not attending. They are still astounded about how one tiny decision affected their entire life and how close they came to missing it. Remember that the next time you are sitting in your underwear, eating a bag of chips and thinking about skipping that invitation.

It seems to me that the happiest couples found love when they were not looking. They were happy and satisfied with their lives alone. And then, right when they least expected it, the right person came into their lives.

Be kind to others, work on improving yourself and be open to trying new experiences. You just may find the love you have given up on.

This made me curious though. I knew that I played a part in my meeting of them in before him. I was determined that I would do things differently after those marriages, but I never got around to that.I started looking at my group of friends that were married or in love. I asked the seemingly happiest couples about the circumstances surrounding their meetings.

Posted in Humor, Life, life lessons, WTF

Diary Of An Idiot

Posted on by Kylie
A diary laying on a pink background with beautiful flowers. It is an idiot's diary, though.
Made with Canva

The true story of when I ran myself over with my own car.

I ran myself over with my car. I had never felt more like an idiot in my life. I am lucky to be alive, actually. What a dumb way to die.

The morning started just like any other with me being frazzled and running late. I rushed through my morning routine, grabbed my work, and darted out the door. This is the same as any other weekday except on this particular morning, I was on the phone with a friend. She called me at 7:30 am to try and help me with getting my lazy ass out of bed, but we ended up chit chatting as I rushed around.

I hopped in the car, cranked it up, put it in drive, and got off the phone with my friend. Then, I realized, as I was backing up, that I had forgotten my lunch in the house. I jumped out and headed to the house to go get it. I saw the car moving in my peripheral vision.

I turned around and was horrified to see my car backing up out of my driveway with my driver side door hanging open. I raced back to the car, in my heels, and grabbed the edge of the driver’s side door just as the car backed up out of my driveway.

I hung on as the car drug me across the street and into the neighbor’s yard before finally coming to a stop against the tree between my car and the neighbor’s house.

Luckily, the tree stopped serious damage, or worse, to myself and anything else.

The pain was not instant. It seemed to be on a twenty second delay. It came with an intensity that almost knocked me on my back again. Lunging, burning pain in my ankles, knees, and back. Blood pooled up on my knees and my ankles started swelling. I started mentally berating myself for not letting go of the car.

Then I started laughing. Then, just as suddenly, I stopped laughing. That was the moment I realized all of my neighbors had caught this on their cameras.