Category: life lessons

Posted in Family, Humor, Life, life lessons, Satire

A Tragic Breast Story

Posted on by Kylie

The story of when my Aunt’s nipple fell off

My family has extremely bad luck, but most of us have two nipples

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I never thought I’d write about my Aunt’s nipple. At least, I’m not writing about my Uncle’s testicles. Yet.

This story has been passed around more than my high school best friend since this incident happened. People at bars have heard it. People at church have heard about it. I created a children’s book about it and read about it to my son’s kindergarten class. OK, well, maybe I didn’t do that. Yet.

I will preface this story by saying that my Aunt, my Mother’s sister, was very sexually active back in her day. She continued to be sexually active long after her day passed, also.

Breast cancer runs in our family and has caused many tragic, untimely deaths. So, in an effort to be proactive against cancer, my Aunt had a double mastectomy. She went ahead and had reconstructive surgery soon after and had those puppies lifted and enhanced.

Fast forward a while later. This is where things get foggy. I’m not sure if it was eight weeks or eight years, but she had taken her bra off during the night and her nipple fell out of her bra onto the floor. She reportedly yelled, “Shit!” out loud.

Honestly, I don’t know what I would’ve done. I can probably say that I wouldn’t have gathered my nipple up, set it aside for the night, and worried about it the next day.

Maybe she didn’t worry about it the next day despite what she says. Because to date she still does not have a nipple on one side. Yolo, I guess.

I may be the black sheep, but there’s a herd of us in my family.

Posted in animals, Humor, Life, life lessons

5 Animals I Would’ve Loved If I Had Met Them

Posted on by Kylie

They are extinct so nobody will meet them. Thanks, humans.

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Humans are destructive jackasses. There is there’s not another way to put it. We evolved and then totally destroyed everything we have ever been given. We took the beautiful and turned it into the extinct. We destroy everything we touch.

We ruin everything. For example, why make a Grease 2? You don’t always have to piggyback on the success of something. Don’t get me started on the Fast and The Furious serious.

We have ruined more than landscapes, and movies. I would like to play homage to some of the extinct species that we caused or partly caused to go away forever.

The Ibis

The Reunion Ibis bird was extinct by the early 18th century due to human hunting and predatory animals being introduced to the area along with other animals that would compete for food in the Ibis’ habitat. Similar to the dodo bird. It probably hosted huge family reunions every summer across the country and they had matching shirts. Rest in peace, young reunion bird.

A duck

The Labrador Duck — extinct due to human competition for mussels and other shellfish. I imagine this duck retrieving tennis balls and slobbering like hell. I am sorry to not have met you, Labrador Duck. We would have played fetch for hours.

A wolf

The Tasmanian wolf went extinct in 1936 for multiple reasons. We hunted them and we destroyed their habitat.

I imagine this animal to look like a majestic wolf. But with a personality disorder causing him to be spastic like the Tasmanian devil.

An ass

The Atlas Wild Ass — much like a donkey, it became extinct due to Roman sport hunting. Obviously, I imagine this animal to be a donkey with an atlas on it instead of stripes. And he has an attitude problem.

A bear

The Californian Grizzly — I have never met a bear, but if I had to choose want to meet it would be this one. This bear would be way too chill to kill you. He would probably be high and he probably would fight the forest fires alongside the firemen.

This species died due to hunting. Imagine that.

A field with flowers in it.
Photo by Katie Drazdauskaite on Unsplash

Rest in peace. Don’t worry. We are destroying our own habitat, too. Karma is making her way to us.