News flash: what people do in the privacy of their bedroom is not my business. I do not care. I do care if someone is funny or kind or giving. I care if someone is a misogynist or a racist or abusive. I will never ever get mad because someone is happy and in love, no matter who it is with, as long as nobody is getting hurt. And, of course, all parties must be consenting adults.
All these homophobic people America seems to have lately is really ridiculous. Part of me feels like they’re just really insecure with their own sexuality. Maybe they have confusing feelings they haven’t dealt with yet. Or maybe I’m just noticing them so much now because my youngest daughter just came out as gay.
We must overcome the notion that we must be regular. It robs you of the chance to be extraordinary and leads you to the mediocre.
Uta Hagen
All I know is that my daughter just came hurling herself out of the closet. My only job, after raising her to be an amazing and productive human being, is to be her biggest supporter and her human armor against any hate. It is not to judge or ostracize her for making decisions that are different from mine.
Even though I am not psychic, I already know she will spend her life tolerating and enduring the comments of mean people regardless of her sexual orientation. There are trolls everywhere in life and online. I will not be one more.
I spent seven years of my life trying to make a marriage work, in a conventional husband and wife relationship, while he was abusive. He almost ruined my children’s childhood and very nearly ruined me. Looking back, my children and I would’ve been a lot better off if I had been with someone that wasn’t a dirtbag and made me happy, regardless of gender.
People ask me if I am grieving all the stuff I won’t be able to do now that she is gay. There is no need for me to mourn. She is still the daughter I have always had, always adored and I know her heart now as well as I did before. Whom she chooses to love does not change her soul or make her fair game to be bullied. I promise that her choice of partner will not be what anyone remembers about her once they meet her.
She is absolutely brilliant, makes amazing grades, and loves animals. She especially loves reptiles and can spout off amazing facts about them as if she had been studying them all of her life. And all this at only ten. I have no doubt in her potential to change this world.
I pity the fools who can’t see beyond their own bigotry.
How normal household items can be used in the bedroom
Photo Credits Above
Attention fellow Chicks and Cocks, I am about to blow your minds. The following revelations might be disturbing to some of you, but it will prove revolutionary for the ones of you that aren’t scared of trying new things. For this particular article, I am focusing on the man, but some of these may work with women as well, especially if they are gym teachers.
For once, it will be about the lady’s pleasure. Many of y’all are not ladies, in the traditional sense, but that’s neither here nor there.
First of all, men and female gym teachers are generally weird AF. Before y’all get all puffy on me, I said generally. There are exceptions. I don’t know any offhand, but that’s beside the point. Men are extremely perverted but usually lack any real sexual creativity. It’s always about baby oil, canned corn, and whipped cream.
Fellas, anything can be made into a sexual accessory if you try hard enough and you are perverted enough. Don’t let the opinions of others, society or laws hold you back. A felony may only last a moment, but memories last a lifetime.
I could write an epic amount of extreme and perverse content on this subject, so I spent nineteen months narrowing down my list. I also condensed the number of ways each item can be used from 3,421 to no more than 17, but mainly one. I believe that is fair enough. Besides, what do I care what is fair? I’m not a politician so pretending to care is not in my job description. You’re lucky you got one.
Disclaimer: I take no personal responsibility if you get hurt. I take no in-personal responsibility either, for that matter. And also, I only want positive comments. No one wants your criticism, even if you fluff it up by calling it constructive.
The Spatula
The spatula is the perfect weapon in the bedroom. It is firm, but bendy, which makes it perfect for hard spankings when you’ve been a bad girl or your man/girl/partner deserves punishment for eating your skittles. Or so I’ve heard. Obviously, I don’t do that kind of stuff. My background as a former nun prohibits me from any pleasure taken from pain. Unless it is self-flagellation with a whip, obviously.
Grater
Normally used for grating cheese or vegetables, this can be used to give sensual pedicures. What did you think I was going to say?
OR you could scrape the ass cheese off of your lover. I won’t lie. This will probably hurt. I don’t know for sure because my lover was gagged while I did this.
Measuring Cup
You don’t just measure the banana! We all know they’re going to say it’s 8 inches anyway. But while you’re at it, go ahead and measure the berries. See how many ounces they make.
Sure, it’s weird, but isn’t everything that they do? We are allowed to be weird if we want. And I know I can’t be the only one who wants to know how many ounces my husband’s berries weigh.
They are 12 ounces.
Colander
Obviously, this is to be used as a hat. Duh. You can be a warrior in bed in addition to real-life since you probably carry the weight of the whole family on your back and your husband’s balls in your purse.
Ladle
For pouring chocolate and White Zinfandel all over the body of your lover. Or scalding hot wax if you’re more into that sort of thing. Personally, my husband loves me to pour lukewarm vegetable soup upon his taint during foreplay. Ha, just kidding. We don’t do foreplay.
Hand Mixer
It can beat more than just potatoes, if you get my drift. It can also be used to give an erotic massage or to blend a sphincter. Really, you are only limited to your imagination.
Cutting Board
Is it, though? It’s more of a paddle and should be used as such. Let nothing hold you back, including the law, from using this to beat whatever you want. It’s done in a sexual nature, no matter your anger level, if Barry White is playing and some of your skin is showing.
I hope that you are as grateful as you should be after reading this article. These tips should make your sex life become as amazing as you are. But, what do I know? I’m a nun. Let me know how it all comes out.
How do they know what to do and when to do it? Do they know if they don’t wake up at 5 AM they will be losers for life?
Author Unknown
If I’ve learned anything in my life, it is to not eat yellow snow and to wake up with a 5 AM routine or risk a life as a loser plagued by doom and misery. Which is probably why mine is full of both. Doom and misery, that is. It doesn’t snow down here very often so I’ve actually never seen yellow snow.
In one of my previous articles that you did not read, I touched on the fact that I have self-diagnosed myself with narcolepsy after failing to succeed with a schedule. And also failing to wake up on a consistent basis and/or on time my entire life. On a sidenote, the disability office will not pay you for self-diagnosed conditions. Even if you cited WebMD. And yet, one of my tenants gets a full disability check for anxiety, which I was born with. I came out with a 40 ounce beer and a Marlboro Red lit to help me with this anxiety. I think God knew then I would never get a check for anything except my pay, including, but not limited to, child support.
I have a real bone to pick with the people that think they’re better than everybody else because they wake up at 5 AM ready to walk, jog, and do CrossFit. Good for you, Karen. You are just the best person on Earth. Except for the fact that you’re driving the bragging wagon. Nobody likes arrogance.
It doesn’t matter what time I wake up. I will never wake up in a good mood, it will never be easy, and I will never do CrossFit. Some might say, never say never. But people with a brain would say, good for you for knowing yourself.
Am my late sometimes to work? Yes, I am. But that’s because I suffer from narcolepsy. Once I get to work, I am able to stay awake, function, and succeed in my job. I have won salesperson of the year and meanest landlord for 10 years in a row.
I’m not trying to come across cocky by bragging about my accomplishments when I don’t even have to wake up at 5 AM to achieve this stuff. Nor am I trying to make y’all feel bad that you do have to wake up at 5 AM and do terrible things to achieve your goals.
I just want to bring another way of thinking to the table. What if you wrote a list instead of waking up at 5 AM? What if you took a bite of granola instead of doing CrossFit? What if you slept with your boss instead of waking up at 5 AM every day?
Choices are everywhere and, yes, I’ve made lots and lots and lots of bad ones. I will also continue to do so, because I want to have a fun life and not a boring one full of Crossfit.
I have never once walked in a store and asked for the manager. I don’t take my bad moods out on old people or animals. Some might credit this to my excessive amount of wine drinking, but I know it’s because I get sleep. Sometimes, a full 48 hours.
Other people might say I sleep a lot because I’m in the depths of depression so dark that no light will ever come through. I just laugh about that, because obviously if I was depressed I would not smile so much. Duh.
And when, not if, I do fail, it doesn’t bother me a bit. Failure is a part of life and one that I’ve grown accustomed to. You’ll never see me throwing a fit because something didn’t go my way. Failure just rolls off my back. Mainly because I’m so sleepy due to my debilitating narcolepsy.
I might sleep a lot, drink copious amounts of wine, get in bar fights, and curse like a full-grown sailor that’s never had sex, but I have never once bragged about being vegan or doing CrossFit. Also, I have a routine however loose it may be.
And I think we can all be proud of me about that. Who is the loser now?
How I cope with working with the public and much, much more
I manage 185 properties in addition to doing financial consulting, credit repair, and real estate. I also write a blog and write for Medium. When I’m not working, I have a husband, four children, two step-children, two dogs, two birds, and a turtle to take care of.
Needless to say, my life is a huge stress ball minus squeezing satisfaction. The constant effort to manage my stress is the only reason that I am felony free.
I often get asked how I handle my chaotic life. It is always stressful, never boring, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. However, I would do all kinds of shady things for just one night alone in a hotel room. Until that happens, I have to find peace and de-stress where I can.
I don’t know what I did in my past life, but whatever it was had to have been really bad. I have had the worst luck, being accident-prone, have awkward tendencies, and stay moderately to extremely annoyed on a very consistent basis since the day I was born.
It started upon my delivery unto this earth and has lasted up into this very point of my life. This point in which I am sitting on my front porch writing while my 14-year-old tries to annoy me non-stop, as usual, by screeching like a car alarm.
My husband is inside and completely incapacitated on the couch watching tv in a comatose-like state. Although I know otherwise, he looks like he has never even heard of the word stress. I would give almost anything to have that kind of peace of mind for just five minutes.
My Oasis
That sounds fancy, but it’s just my damn bathroom. Every night, I take a hot bubble bath with a glass or seven of wine. I am in heaven until I leave. I try to ignore the children sitting outside my door, but I can still hear them.
It is still an amazing time to relax and practice mindful breathing. I have to be very careful not to fall asleep. I just know I’ll die in some stupid way like this or trip over a Cheeto.
My Friends
I am absolutely blessed to have a huge tribe of friends. I have most of these friends for twenty or more years. When life gets to be too much for me, I take a day off and become a kid again with my friends. We like to do stupid, silly things the same as we did 20 years ago. Laughter is a big part of my life and one of the main reasons that I am still sane. It is most definitely a coping mechanism for me. I do consider it to be the best medicine.
I cannot overemphasize how important it is to have good friends no matter your age or circumstance. If you don’t have any, make some. E-mail me, I’ll be glad to be your friend. I love learning about other people.
Animals
My animals remind me constantly that there is loyalty and innocence left in this world. However minimal it may be, is beside the point. There’s absolutely nothing that I could do to offend them that they would not forgive me for, even fake throwing a ball. Which I would not do as I am not a monster.
I have spent my whole life looking for a love of this nature. At this point, I think the only thing close to the love of an animal is the love of a mother. There is nothing that those little #### *’s could do that would make me love them any less.
Mosaics
The latest of the many hobbies I have tried over my life is mosaic art and I am surprised to say that I love it. I am considering sticking with it. As I am a novice, I am not the best at it yet. But I plan to be, as I always do. It is relaxing and creative outlet for me. And it’s really hard to make a bad looking mosaic.
Reading
I have been an avid reader my whole life. I started reading at the young age of four and have not taken a break from it since. I like every genre and it is by far my favorite thing to do to relax, much to the annoyance of my husband. He would rather that I watch television with him than do anything else. Explaining the allure of reading to a non-reader is all but impossible.
Writing
Writing is more than a hobby to me. It’s cathartic and I feel like it helps me more than therapy ever did. I write things that are funny to me and aren’t for many others. I write about the hard moments and good ones. Some, actually most, of the items I write will never see the light of day. Which is, most likely, a good thing for everyone.
Music
I have more Spotify playlists than bras. I have a playlist for every mood and I listen to all genres. Well, except for classical. I don’t think there is enough social training in the world for that. Music can take me from almost any mood and transform me to a completely new one within minutes. I can go from being a thug to a western star to singing old school rock within minutes on any of my playlists. It’s one of many reasons that my kids find me uncool.
So, there you have it. Those are the real things I do, minus the binge drinking of course, at home to help deal with some of my stress. Is a felony assault charge attractive to me after half an hour of verbal abuse? I won’t lie. Yes, it is. But, I just grin and bear it.
I also like to keep a decent attitude when allowable by my tenants, husband or kids. But sometimes, that is just impossible, so I throw on some loud music, say a few motivational cuss words to myself, and carry on with my life. Then, I do it all again the next day.
As women, we should build our daughters up instead of giving them insecurities
Depression
As a mother, before taking any action or making a decision of any kind, you must ask yourself, “How will this action that I’m considering right now affect my child?” Before ANY DECISION. It’s just a simple question. It’s not that hard. This one action will save you a lot of grief down the road.
It’s a lot harder to put something back together after you break it than it is to just keep it from getting broken to begin with. Take the answer you provide yourself and make the best choice for your child or children. Not for you. For them.
Women, and men obviously, have their own set of mannerisms and habits that drive me crazy as they are extremely damaging to children.
Men
Ladies, the company of your child is more important than the company of any man you are dating. Childhood is fleeting.
Children form their personalities early and you have essentially done all you can do for them as far as parenting goes by the time they are ten years old. After that, it is up to their experiences and their peers.
So, unless you want your child to grow up as a needy ho-bag by extension, you would be better off focusing now on trying to raise her to be educated and independent.
I know women are capable of having sons. But the damage they are capable of doing to their daughters is worthy of a separate article. Lead by example. Little eyes are always watching and little ears are always listening even if it might not seem that way.
Pretending you are dumb and acting ditzy is the most annoying and unflattering thing a female can do for a male’s attention. Encourage intelligence and independence.
I’m not lying when I tell you that I want to slap the hell out of any woman that acts like that.
Body Image
For 1000 different reasons, it is very common these days for women to have body issues and insecurities. Even so, please do your daughters a favor and stop publicly dieting and criticizing yourself. Stop calling yourself fat in front of them, even if you are. You may be a hippo, I know the feeling, but your daughter is an elephant. They never forget anything.
So please don’t project your body image issues and obsessions onto your children. The world is hard enough without adding to the load they will carry. Teach them about self-love, not self-hate. Teach them about confidence and how there’s a difference between that and arrogance.
Don’t idolize looking like a porn star, either. You don’t have to dress like a lot lizard. Do you really want to teach your daughters to act and look like that? Do you really want to teach your sons to desire that? Natural is beautiful.
Intelligence
We need to make intelligence in women sexy and valued. Less focus should be placed on boobs and more on brains by society, men, and ourselves. We need to set our own standards of beauty. We need to be proud of our accomplishments, our integrity and our character.
Stop hiding your intelligence from men. A real man won’t get intimidated by a strong, smart woman. He will value her as his partner. He will be proud to have such a person on his team. And if he’s not, you should not accept that as an acceptable mate for yourself.
Friendship
When your daughter or child is 25 and self-sufficient, y’all can be best friends. Until that day, you have to be the bad guy like the rest of us and actually parent your children. They have friends. They don’t need you to be a friend. They need you to be a parent.
They need routine, structure, love, guidance, and discipline. They need to be taught values and morals amongst 1 million other things. Focus on being a parent and you won’t have time to worry about the little, meaningless things that you shouldn’t be.
Parenting is hard and thankless. There are days that I cry myself to sleep and think I’m failing. But, I still get up every day and do it again. I owe that to them. And as a result of that, they have turned out to be the best thing I’ve ever done.
Whatever you want and need right now is irrelevant and will be until your children are raised.
Discipline
As I am sure many of you can also attest to, my mama used to tell me it hurt her more than it hurt me after she whipped my butt. I thought that was complete and total bullshit until I became a parent. No matter whether I was just getting on to them or saying I was disappointed, it was always hard to be the cause of anything but happiness to them.
I have had to put aside my personal feelings on how I want to handle things and do it the way I know I should instead. It is no coincidence that we have an entitled, unkind society. It is now more important than ever that we return to discipline, morals, and guidance.
I would rather have them mad at me for a little while so I can ensure that they grow up to be the best humans that they can possibly be. And because I did the hard parts, my children are amazing people that are responsible and independent.
We, as a society, are more worried about political correctness than we are about creating a good generation to leave after we are gone. We have let teaching morals and building a foundation of good character fall into disarray.
Hard-working men have now turned into blustering, overly sensitive little whiners that are dependent on other people for everything. Even men with full bushy beards don’t think they should have to do a full days hard work. Self-sufficiency and hard work has become a thing of the past for most people, not just men. Morality is going out the door with it at a very fast pace.
Instead of hiding behind closed doors and praying for a better world, we should all be working diligently to create one. I hope to teach my children not to wait for change, but to be the cause of change. It only takes one person or one small act of rebellion to spark the fires of change.
At least I can take comfort knowing that there will be a few hard-working men in the next generation. Along with a few hard-working, self-sufficient women. Because that is how I am intent on raising him.
I might not end up accomplishing much in my lifetime, but if being the mother that my children is all I can achieve then I’ve done enough and more than a lot of others have. It would be more than enough of an accomplishment to make me proud of my life.
Kylie’s Rants 