Tag: Humor

Posted in Humor

Loving Yourself Even Though You’re A Little Bitch

Posted on by Kylie

What is self love exactly? I hear about it on the near constant basis, but I’m not sure how you cannot love or at least tolerate yourself as you are stuck with you forever. I will be the first to admit that I get on my damn nerves sometimes. I can be very annoying and aggressive. When I’m joking, a lot of times, people can’t tell that I’m joking, which makes it funnier for me but awkward for them.

I used to be a very shy person that lacked confidence or self-esteem. Now, I’m outgoing, confident, and I love myself even though I can be a huge assh*&e sometimes. I don’t know for sure how I changed or what caused it but after thinking about it, I wrote down some items I do that may have contributed to my increase in self-worth.

Laugh

Find a reason to laugh. We all have flaws and, though mine are annoying, when I compare them to other’s they aren’t so bad. I know I’m a good person and not a douche nugget like so many others I know.

Be your own biggest fan

Celebrate your own damn accomplishments. If no one else is proud of you, or even if they are, celebrate yourself! For example, I got tired of waiting for my family and friends to recognize my achievements. I started buying myself a treat anytime I accomplished a big goal and I also gave my own horn a couple of toots on social media as well. It turns out that I can live pretty easily without the approval of others.

Dress up, hussy up, and show up

There are days I don’t want to get up, or work a sixty hours a week, or parent but I drag myself out of bed. Then I dress up, slap makeup on, put on some accessories and go do what I don’t want to. Once I am looking better, I start feeling better. I tend to feel how I look.

Physical Activity

This has always been the bane of my existence. I am an outdoor girl but I absolutely hate exercise. I have found that if I do something active and heart pumping that I can count that as exercise. So, I’ll take a walk with my dogs, clean up around the house, go fishing, or go help my parents. Then I don’t feel like I am exercising, but I am still being active which makes me feel better overall.

Skincare Routine

I maintain a skin care routine, morning and night most of the time. I will wash my face, tone it, apply moisturizer, eye cream, and oil treatment. It sounds trivial, but it makes me feel cleaner and ready for sleep or the day ahead. I call it my spa sessions.

Hobby/Creative Outlet

Ever since my former therapist recommended creativity as an outlet for me over a decade ago, I have always dabbled in an art or hobby of some kind. At the moment, it is mosaics, gardening, journaling, and writing. I don’t know if it is an outlet, but I enjoy it and don’t intend to stop anytime soon. I know I’m not an artist, but I feel proud of myself when I create something.

Not everyone is capable of seeing the beauty and worth inside of them, but the rest of us do already.

Posted in Humor

Attention Ranters!

Posted on by Kylie

My New Ride

I am extremely excited to announce that I am driving a car that is less than five years old for the first time ever in my entire life.

However, the most exciting part for me is the fact that the windows roll down and the air conditioner works.

I have spent the last six months in the dead heat of Georgia summer driving around in a car with no air-conditioning and no ability to open the window. Combine that situation with the blacked out gangster tint all over the windows on this car and you have the recipe for a small compact section of Hell brought up for your own amusement.

So in simpler and less dramatic terms, I am so excited to be comfortably working my life away instead of doing it with no air conditioner in a less than stellar vehicle.

The downside to this improvement in my life is that I now have a $600 a month car payment. So, on a final note, I have become broker but cooler in a sense as well.

Posted in Humor

Lady, Wash Your Face!

Posted on by Kylie
Canva

I don’t know why I was so surprised, but after hearing all the praise surrounding the latest bestselling book from a well-known internet and inspiration guru, I expected to learn a few new tricks for dealing with my life.

I paid sixteen dollars and some change to learn absolutely nothing. Here’s a quick sarcastic summary of the book in question so you don’t have to spend any money. I didn’t learn anything that is not common sense.

Don’t apologize for being you. Don’t apologize for not being perfect. Don’t apologize when you mess up, it’s a sign of weakness. Just don’t apologize.

She has amazing sex because she stopped caring about her body’s flaws. She has four kids and has the most amazing sex life of anyone on the planet.

If you think you are not attractive, just tell yourself that you are. Then BOOM! You are attractive to yourself again. Also, force yourself to do the 30 day straight sex challenge. Just do it. She said so.

You can’t control the chaos of family so just learn to love it. Life is crazy and no one can control it. In other words, give up trying to clean. You can try again when they are eighteen.

Dirty pans rest on top of gas stove.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Washing your face will solve all of or most of your problems. Washing your face and brushing your teeth will cure any disease that you might have.

Said author admittedly had a vanilla crew, aka all caucasian friends, so she ventured out of her comfort zone, made new culturally diverse friends, and recommends everyone does the same. Note: see the above title that all of this should be common sense.

Several generic stories about how not apologizing and washing her face made her life so much better. Also, her son said something mortifying to an authority figure and she didn’t literally die because of it.

You literally can wear whatever you want anytime. It’s all about how you feel in it. Do you, girl.

Be fabulous all the time. Be fabulous every day. Wear a shirt that says fabulous on it. Get it, girl! But never forget, you can be fabulous in sweat pants wow while apologizing. And never, ever weigh yourself.

Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself what an amazing basic girl you are! Then, put your Uggs on and go get a pumpkin spice latte!

Stop lying to and breaking promises to yourself. When you make yourself a promise, keep it so you don’t get mad at yourself. There is nothing worse than when you are giving yourself the silent treatment.

If you dare to say no to yourself, refuse to acknowledge it, and argue with yourself. Who are you to deny yourself? What the hell?

There you have it. A complete synopsis of a book that got someone famous. Look who’s laughing now (it’s not me).

Posted in Humor

Weird is the New Black

Posted on by Kylie
Pink haired lady holding a candy filled shoe and a cupcake.
Photo by Canva

I will be the first one to admit that I am weird as hell. I prefer to call it being a rare, limited edition. However you fluff it up, I love myself weird. There are enough vanilla people running the streets already! I’m so proud of how weird I am that I am going to break down all the ways that I am excessively weird. I hope somewhere a closet weirdo will read this and know they are not alone. Some of these items used to bother me but, the older I’ve gotten, the less f%^ks I have had to give.

I am not aware of how statistics work, but I can make things up just as easily as the next gal, so I’m going to state the fact that 10% of people are addicted to cocaine. I am in the 2% that are addicted to succulents. (Do you see what I did there? You can literally make up any statistics you want). Succulents are hard to kill, cacti like plants. I have a lot of them and continue to accrue them as often, or more often, as I kill them. I also talk to them. At one point, I tried to teach them Spanish. Actually, I was just practicing my skills. Not that they offered any insight.

I also have odd habits in regards to my clothing. I don’t like buying items I won’t use or get my money’s worth out of. Being extremely poor for a few years definitely helped me with money management. So, with that being said, I wear my clothes in the order that they are hung up in my closet. I start at the front. If a said item happens to be out of season (long sleeves in summer, etc.), I will hang in in the back and start the rotation again. I like to feel like I’m getting my money’s worth out of my clothing because I may or may not spend excessively in this category.

I absolutely hate the voice on my map app that I use to drive everywhere but I absolutely cannot live without it. I hate her/him/it so much that, when it tells me to take a left, I respond every time with, “No, YOU turn left! You piece of$&@?!’b ,?$& !” Or something to that effect.

I despise it when people name their dogs with a human name. I am not yelling, “Edward! Come here!” or “Jason, put that ball down!” It’s not right and I strongly feel that it should be made illegal immediately. Two good examples of perfect dog names are my dogs. The youngest mutt has the distinguished name of Baxter VonFerrell, III. My older gentleman pup is named Snoopy Donkey McDougal. We only yell out the middle name if they are in big trouble, which is the standard we all go by throughout the world, I believe.

Lastly, I would like to confess to you about my obsession with lists. I have hundreds of them on every subject you could ever imagine. I don’t remember exactly when I became a listoholic but it was within the last ten years or so. I plan to publish an article soon naming twenty or so of my favorite lists. I know I can’t be the only list obsessed person who is also, at the same time, a hugely disorganized wreck of a person. I consider all of my lists to be sacred. Reading, skimming, or even glancing at one could possibly earn you a throat punch.

So, yes, I am weird. I have the sense of humor of a twelve-year-old boy, I am obsessed with Will Ferrell, and I give out lectures like Oprah hands out everything. I am not only ok with my weirdness, but I love it. I used to try and imitate my friends and hide my weirdness by pretending to like golf and sweater vests. I got tired very quickly and stopped. They kept loving me anyway! I also gained new friends. It turned out, a lot more people accepted my personality than not. I did have a few look down at me but I think they were just hating me because I was free and they weren’t. It’s hard to feel bad for someone that is in the prison that they made for themselves.

My previous husband (current one is awesome) tried to stifle me. He succeeded for a while. He slowly robbed me of my friends and dulled my personality with verbal abuse and constant criticism. He tried to take me and turn me into a dull shell of a person. He didn’t succeed. I won then and I keep on winning.

Here is a link to another one of my life-altering, hard-hitting articles. Also, feel free to send an e-mail to kylie@kyliesells.com and I will add you to my random, unpredictable newsletters that will update you on my life and make you feel a whole lot better about yours!

Posted in Humor

Finding the Time to Write

Posted on by Kylie
Ways to Make More Time in Your Day

I work a full time job as a real estate agent in addition to managing one hundred and eighty seven rental properties. I am on call for twenty four hours a day, seven days a week. These two jobs alone keep me busy from forty five to sixty hours a week. Then I get home and the real work begins. The job of Mom and wife.

A lot of times in my life, I never get asked, “Kylie, how do you find the time to write? You have six kids, two dogs, two birds, a turtle and a husband!” What can I say? When you love to do something, you will do anything to find a way to make it happen! Nonetheless, I have had to make some allowances in my lifestyle to make time for my writing career. I can’t quit my jobs just yet so I had to make minor adjustments in other areas of my life.

Television

I have not watched television, including Netflix or Hulu, in seven or more months (what I hear on the television as my husband watches doesn’t count as I am diligently working away). I don’t even miss it that much, although I have been known to get sidetracked now and then when Naked and Afraid is on. When that happens, I self punish real quickly with a flagellation session and I tend not to do it again. I still read all the time though. There’s just no way I’m going to give that up for anything.

Hygiene

I’m already forty (ish) years old, so I figure I’ve already done as much as humanly possible to help my skin out. Are those charcoal masks and eye creams really worth the effort I’ve been putting into it? Or that fifty dollar exfoliating polish? I don’t think so. So, I’ve stopped washing my face on Tuesdays. That cutback alone gives me an extra fifteen minutes a month for writing.

Music

The radio in my car died so I took that as a sign from God that I was not supposed to listen to music. Instead, I think about all the articles that I am not qualified to write on my forty minute commute to the office. But really, who gets to make the decision if someone is qualified or not?

Hair

To save time during the week, I have stopped using shampoo and only use conditioner. My hair seems to be a little bit greasy, but I have definitely gained at least 30 minutes for the month in writing time. I’ve also saved a dollar fifty. #Winning

Texting

I am so efficient at texting that I thought I would save time in my life by shortening all of my vocabulary to text format. For instance, instead of telling someone I will be right back, I just say BRB. Instead of laughing, I just say LOL. This has really saved me countless hours of time better spent writing. A lot of people around me seem perplexed by this, but I know what I’m doing and that’s all that matters.

Water

I have reduced my water intake from one glass to none. I’m dizzy and my hair is falling out, but I have a lot of time to write.

Face

I have always had what is known as RBF. That stands for resting bitch face to those of you that are not plagued with this horrible condition. I used to hate it because people got the wrong impression of me all of the time but now I love it! It saves me so much precious time and gets me out of countless conversations. I’m currently trying to figure out how I can make the face in RBF even bitchier!

Diet

I have really saved a lot of time by cutting out my weekly meal planning routine. Now, instead of worrying about all that, we just eat tacos every single night. They are extremely mobile so that means I can also cut corners by eating them in the shower.

Exercise

LOL, I just cut this one out completely. Ain’t nobody got time for that.

This article, along with all of my other ones, is probably not as helpful as “How Much Money I Made Last Month” or any of the other ones that seem to be plagiarized on a constant basis. But inquiring minds never asked me, so I thought I would let you all know how I get it done.

I try to stay humble even though I get massive amounts of things done on a daily basis and I’m super awesome.

I’m not saying I’m Superwoman, but no one has ever seen us together in the same room at the same time. Do with that what you will.