Posted in Humor

Lady, Wash Your Face!


I don’t know why I was so surprised, but after hearing all the praise surrounding the latest bestselling book from a well-known internet and inspiration guru, I expected to learn a few new tricks for dealing with my life.

I paid sixteen dollars and some change to learn absolutely nothing. Here’s a quick sarcastic summary of the book in question so you don’t have to spend any money. I didn’t learn anything that is not common sense.

Don’t apologize for being you. Don’t apologize for not being perfect. Don’t apologize when you mess up, it’s a sign of weakness. Just don’t apologize.

She has amazing sex because she stopped caring about her body’s flaws. She has four kids and has the most amazing sex life of anyone on the planet.

If you think you are not attractive, just tell yourself that you are. Then BOOM! You are attractive to yourself again. Also, force yourself to do the 30 day straight sex challenge. Just do it. She said so.

You can’t control the chaos of family so just learn to love it. Life is crazy and no one can control it. In other words, give up trying to clean. You can try again when they are eighteen.

Dirty pans rest on top of gas stove.
Photo by Nathan Dumlao on Unsplash

Washing your face will solve all of or most of your problems. Washing your face and brushing your teeth will cure any disease that you might have.

Said author admittedly had a vanilla crew, aka all caucasian friends, so she ventured out of her comfort zone, made new culturally diverse friends, and recommends everyone does the same. Note: see the above title that all of this should be common sense.

Several generic stories about how not apologizing and washing her face made her life so much better. Also, her son said something mortifying to an authority figure and she didn’t literally die because of it.

You literally can wear whatever you want anytime. It’s all about how you feel in it. Do you, girl.

Be fabulous all the time. Be fabulous every day. Wear a shirt that says fabulous on it. Get it, girl! But never forget, you can be fabulous in sweat pants wow while apologizing. And never, ever weigh yourself.

Look in the mirror every morning and tell yourself what an amazing basic girl you are! Then, put your Uggs on and go get a pumpkin spice latte!

Stop lying to and breaking promises to yourself. When you make yourself a promise, keep it so you don’t get mad at yourself. There is nothing worse than when you are giving yourself the silent treatment.

If you dare to say no to yourself, refuse to acknowledge it, and argue with yourself. Who are you to deny yourself? What the hell?

There you have it. A complete synopsis of a book that got someone famous. Look who’s laughing now (it’s not me).


Real Estate Agent, Landlord, Micro-Investor and Finance Specialist. Enjoys sarcasm, wit, wine and writing. Dogs are the answer to everything.

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