His audacity shocked me. Sweat glistened on his face in his profile picture. His 1970’s era thick mustache was clearly something he was proud of while the toothpaste splattered mirror in his picture’s background had not been cleaned very recently, if ever.
I stared at him and read his message forty-three times back to back, trying to figure out if this was real. Was my wildest fantasy finally coming to fruition?Not two minutes later, but before I could respond, he messaged again. This time it was a GIF with a rose, heart, and a teddy bear. All the things every woman on the face of the earth loves according to every man. It was at that pivotal moment when I made the decision to break the bond I had with my husband and message back this studly speciman. Trying to resist this kind of obviously fated connection was just ludicrous and pointless.
I was beginning to type out my erotic, but love filled, response to him when his third message came through. I opened it, scanned it, and I knew that I had to have my tubes untied as soon as humanly possible so I could carry his child. It was the most beautiful thing I’ve ever seen and the only thing I have ever wanted. It was a dick pic from a stranger. That’s right. Every woman’s dream
Sweating profusely now, I started typing. I put a lot of thought in my response so he would know how much I appreciated every one of his messages. But before I could hit send, I got another message notification.
This time it just said, “Bitch.” I quickly finished my heartfelt message and pressed send. Half a second later, it gave me an indication that I had been blocked and my message did not go through to him.
Well, crap. I lost Prince Charming. Let this be a lesson to us all. I made the decision to stay with the amazing husband that I had.
Public Service Announcement: This is purely satirical and for fun. No one likes that, Randy. Cut it out. Go clean your bathroom mirror.
Before this woman, the attention you try and spark will never ignite — Kylie
Kylie’s Rants 