Category: Humor

Posted in Humor, Ideas, Life, parenting, tips

4 Apps All Parents Of Teens Need

Posted on by Kylie

As we all know, with freedom comes great responsibility. The teenage years are when your children will yearn for one of those with no desire for the other. So, unless you are a moron, we have to keep them on a tight but extendable rope. We, ourselves, have to walk a fine balance between giving them freedom and setting boundaries.

I love my children, but I will not be blinded to the fact that they can’t and shouldn’t be trusted. It is our job to question everything they do or say. We have to know what they’re doing and with whom. In the past, that would have meant covert surveillance at the spur of the moment and following them without being caught. Luckily, we are able to monitor them easier than ever now with all the apps that are available.

I suffer a terrible addiction to the app store. Anybody is able to build an app so new ones come out daily. There are even apps you can download to help you build an app. I have a few that are my favorites when it comes to parenting. Also, I am beyond appreciative that my teenage years were before all this technology and camera-based apps. It would not have been pretty.

Life 360

The person that invented this app needs a Nobel peace prize. This app lets you know where your child, or whomever you put on the app, is located at any moment you decide you want to check. It will also tell you what percentage their phone battery is and how fast they are driving! I have actually grounded my son twice due to this app. Once, for going 70 in a 45 and once for being somewhere that he was not supposed to be at.

This app is a 100% must have as a parent of a teen but, please note, it is not foul-proofed. They can leave their phone somewhere and go somewhere else. They can turn it off. I’m always looking for ways around things and this one has it. However, I haven’t seen my children without a phone near them or in their hand in years so, I think I’m okay.

Cozi Family Organizer

Everyone is on the same page, literally, with this app. This is a shared family calendar that anyone can add to or adjust as needed. You can all be kept up to date with one posting. It really is a time saver.

But, be on the lookout for kids erasing any dreaded appointments or un-enjoyable activities such as dental appointments or baby showers. Let my lessons, the ones I have learned the hard way most of the time, help you!

Homey

This is the app that you use to divvy out the chores. If you have a large household like I do, we are constantly rotating chores to reflect changes in the schedules and lives of all of us. You can list items that are to be done by every member of your household, no matter how many you may have. My spouse hates it.

You can make chore lists with just a few items up to literally hundreds. You can create a honey-do list that won’t get thrown away! The possibilities are endless. This app keeps the chores digitally listed and updated so that everyone is kept informed of any changes made and cannot feign ignorance as to why the socks have not been matched.

Greenlight

This is the app I use for my kids’ debit cards. Money gets transferred upon completion of the chores. Mind you, the chores have to be approved as done by me. A thirteen-year-old has far-reaching boundaries as far as what is considered clean or done. It has to be completed according to my satisfaction.

I can also keep an eye on what they spend and how they choose to spend their money. As I do financial counseling, they would be wise to listen to me. But, as I’m also their Mom, I’m considered to be a nerd that doesn’t know about anything. Hopefully, I will have made a difference in their financial habits before I am kicked out of their business permanently.

Posted in Humor

Doomsday Prepping 101: Post COVID Disaster Tips

Posted on by Kylie

The COVID-19, also know as the Coronavirus, pandemic will not be forgotten by any of us any time soon. It has wrecked havoc on my life from getting my wedding venue and honeymoon cancelled the day before my wedding to ruining my son’s baseball career. That was just the beginning of the nightmare we were all about to endure. A nightmare that seems to have no ending in sight.

I will be the first to admit that I used to tease and make fun of the zombie apocalypse, end of the world obsessed people. They would all watch that violent show on AMC and then really believe that stuff would happen. Not only that, but, they believed it would happen soon. I also spared no ridicule for the doomsday preppers with their bunkers and massive collections of canned goods. I’m not laughing anymore.

I took a good and hard look at myself during this virus and found myself to be seriously lacking. My survival skills, on a scale from one to ten, were at a negative twenty. I had no stores of canned goods or bottled water. And, even worse, I had never even thought about toilet paper being the first essential item to all but disappear. I was totally unprepared. That will not be me the next time this happens.

I will be locked, loaded, and ready from now on.

The TP

When shit hit the fan, I was not surprised to see evidence of hoarding start to happen. Much like when southerners see a snowflake, the supermarkets started getting low on certain items, mainly milk and bread. That was normal. This time, instead of bread and milk, the people panicked and bought all available toilet paper. This was not normal.

Months later, I am still confused by this. I bought bottled water and canned food. My butt was the last thing on my mind at the time. You can’t eat toilet paper for survival, but you can wipe your butt across the yard.

A lesson was learned this year. During these last few months of chaos, I have had to borrow toilet paper and, once, had to drive two hours to my brother’s house to find some. I will never let my toilet paper supply dwindle down again.

Reading

There have been a few good things to come out of all of this. I have always been a book hoarder, both paper and digital, but now I can hoard them with no backtalk from my husband! He now understands we might need these to fully educate all of our offspring in the future. I hope they like Stephen King and Ken Follett.

I might be taking advantage of this situation a little, but he has also stockpiled a few unnecessary items. Nobody needs that many tree stands.

Alcohol

This might not seem essential to some. Tell me that after trying to homeschool six kids and work a full time job. Retraction: Tell me that after trying to homeschool MY six kids and work MY full time job. I will make sure plenty of wine is on hand from now on, no matter what. I will use whatever methods I can find to prevent being defeated by my life. If I have to learn how to make my own shine myself deep in the woods somewhere, then so be it. My grandfather did it and he was not the sharpest tool in the shed. Probably because of his moonshine.

Tip: some types of alcohol can also be used to make hand sanitizer supposedly.

Back to the homeschooling debacle. I can not begin to describe the trauma this home schooling stunt has caused me or the learning disabilities it has caused my kids. School is on track to reopen very soon here and I have never been more terrified to send my kids back there. It feels like I’m sending them straight to COVID.

I am leaning towards making them stay home. I would rather have them dumb, but alive. Of course, they want to go back to school and life as normal as soon as they possibly can, so I have not discussed this with them yet. I keep hoping the schools will delay things a little longer.

Gardening

I started gardening after all of this in preparation for the next global pandemic or food shortage caused by fear mongering. I know now that I need to know more survival, cooking, and gardening skills if I expect to survive the hunger games.

However, if we should actually ever drop down to a short supply of food, my husband is an expert hunter and fisherman. For those of you that are not so lucky, I would recommend starting a garden or considering taking a course on how to loot. You can just go back and watch some old episodes of CNN for the looting lesson. I wouldn’t recommend coming to my house, though.

As I work on myself and the new life that has suddenly become mine, I try to be optimistic and positive outwardly. Inside, I am patiently waiting for my life to get back to normal. Deep down, I think we all will be learning a new normal. Life from before is over.

Posted in Humor

If I Ran The DMV

Posted on by Kylie
If I Ran The DMV

In my latest episode of How I Could Run Things Better Than You Do, I am focusing on the always hated, never anticipated visit to the DMV. We all dread the five year visit. Because we know we won’t have all the paperwork they require and will have to come back for the next three days in a row until we finally get someone that accepts any of the 40 proofs of identity you have brought along.

The first thing I would do is a complete overhaul of staffing. Anyone that hadn’t smiled in the last five years would be hitting the road. New hires would be trained by the local Chick-Fil-A manager. Rudeness would never seethe through their pores and apathy would be instinct in this branch. You would be greeted with a smile and offered a coffee and a biscuit immediately upon your arrival.

While employee training was in effect, I would start working on the mandated changes, by me, to the design and aesthetic of the interior. Instead of going with an industrial steel gray, I would go with soft lighting and the calm colors of nature. When people get mad that they have to come back with 97 more documents, it won’t be a violent confrontation because they will be relaxed and soothed from their experience in our environment. Getting anything done would still be an act of Congress because I can’t overhaul the location, the experience, and the government all at one time.

The interior would be sparkling clean and smell fresh, unlike its normal odor of pork rinds and grapefruit juice. There would be cleaning and sanitation of the entire location done on a daily basis, so contracting chlamydia from a chair would stop being a fear for a visitor.

We will make organ donation and blood donation mandatory to get a driver’s license. Pictures must be updated every two years. Let’s face it, a lot can happen in five or ten years, causing us to look like totally different people. That is a lot of donut eating days that have gone by in the timeframe.

Fifty three customer service windows will be available in order to service customers quickly. Our average wait time would be three minutes, which would be just long enough to drink your soda and pet the puppies. We would keep puppies from the pound there during business hours to facilitate adoptions.

Once the customer was done with customer service, they would be personally escorted out and given a gift basket from Bath and Body Works to make up for the inconvenience of missing twenty minutes of work.

As usual, I have broken down how to run an establishment that has needed an overhaul since its inception in 1584. Be on the lookout soon, for my upcoming article on how I would be a much better President of the United States.

Posted in Humor

Childhood Dreams That Won’t Die

Posted on by Kylie

As a child, none of my dreams included anything having to do with money. This is because, at the time, I had no idea what it was like to be broke as hell. Now, many years later, I have included money in my dreams and goals for the future. I am also still clinging on to a few dreams from my childhood. I tend to have really immature grown-up goals as well. I am aware that at my age, I’m supposed to be dreaming of cross-stitch, knick knacks, and IRAs. Or maybe gardening and bingo.

An image of fresh beets.
Photo by Melissa LeGette on Unsplash

Dwight Schrute

I would give absolutely anything to have my own personal version of Dwight Schrute working along side of me at my office so I could mess with him continually for my own pleasure. If that happened, I would be so excited to go to work every morning. As it stands, my current co-workers do not enjoy me messing with them and get offended. Nobody at my place of employment has obsessions with swords or beets.

Obviously I didn’t watch the office when I was a child, but I am including this dream of mine because it is clearly a ridiculous thing to want so badly as an adult.

The coolest phone that ever existed

When I was 13, I was the only one of my friends that didn’t have that super awesome phone that was shaped like a pair of lips with red lipstick. I’m not gonna lie, this is still on my bucket list even though I don’t even have a landline. I will get on just to meet this goal.

Actually, I would rather install this bad boy in my office so I could show it off more. It would let everyone that entered my office know that I had arrived.

A handful of gold coins laid out on the phone.
Photo by Syed Hussaini on Unsplash

Gold

When I was younger, I used to watch Duck Tales every Saturday. This habit caused me to desire the riches of owning a treasure chest full of gold. Even though I am proud of my accomplishments and successes, I don’t feel like I will have ever made it in life unless I have one of these in my living room. I also associate sugar cubes with financial success. Once I’m rich, I will only take cubes in my coffee. Loose sugar is for chumps.

If I do ever become rich, look out. I will be one of those eccentric rich old people that spend their money on charities and huge statues. I will buy billboards just to say snarky things along the interstate. I will use my money to do good things and also to amuse myself. I will also buy an ascot immediately.

Roger Rabbit

I used to love this movie. Actually, I still love this movie. I was also and still am jealous of Jessica rabbit. I am quite aware that this is a cartoon character, but dang she is hot and I wish I looked like her.

Will Ferrell

Don’t tell my husband, but I really feel like Will Ferrell is my soul’s twin. I feel like he is the only one that would totally understand my sense of humor. It is absolutely my second biggest goal in life to meet him and hang out with him for an evening or forever, whatever happens.

Knowing me, though, I would freeze up and act like a huge nerd instead of the hugely entertaining person I normally am, according to people that I pay.

My first goal is obviously for my children to grow up healthy, happy, and successful. But mainly happy.

An open book laid on a bed with lights in it.
Photo by Nong Vang on Unsplash

The book

I have always read a lot. I started reading when I was very young, around age 4, and quickly fell in love with it and have never stopped. Please note, according to my mom, this does not make me a genius.

As a child, I loved the escapism that books provided me. As an adult whose daily life is sometimes saturated in bulls&*t, I still think it would be the coolest thing in the world to find a book like that boy did in The Neverending Story. I could come home after a long day of jerkwads, pick up the magic book, and actually be transported to that world for a little while. With my luck, I would get trapped in The Shining or something like that.

Translator

This is actually a semi-mature and recent dream of mine, but my life would be so much easier if someone would teach my map and translation apps how to understand a southern accent. I am so tired of talking into my phone and having none of it be understood. If I am that hard to understand, then how come everybody can understand me in real life. Answer me that Siri?

At the end of the day, I think I am still an overactive twelve year old stuck in this 41 year old body. I guess the kid in me just doesn’t want to grow up.

I’m fine with that. I’d rather be a little, or a lot, immature than boring as hell.

Posted in Humor, Life, tips

9 Ways To Build A Life Worth Living

Posted on by Kylie
Canva

I woke up in my forties and found myself adrift in a sea of yoga pants, identical personalities, and uninspired activities. Everything and everyone I encountered was interchangeable, bland, and boring. I decided I would never let that happen to me.

So, I took a good look at the people I was around on a consistent basis and noticed that they all were content but unenthusiastic and unmotivated. None of them were striving for more or continuing to grow in any way that I could see. Every day was the same as the one before it.

People that I formerly knew as outspoken leaders were now sharing the same opinions and beliefs as their spouses without knowing why. So much so, that they began to almost look-alike in addition to also sharing the same thoughts.

Two sheep on a grassy area.
Robinson Recalde on Unsplash

I thought and pondered on this for weeks. I heard people who spouted their opinions straight from Fox or CNN, talk about brainwashed individuals. They could not see the irony.

I could see the authenticity had left them somewhere along their way. I wanted to make sure I never lost myself. I didn’t know how to prevent it though. Then I thought about what made me different than them.

Read

I constantly read from almost every genre. I believe that this keeps my brain healthy and is one of the reasons I am a critical thinker. I have always been a person to ask questions. I want to know why things happen. I want to know how things are done. And most importantly, I don’t offer an opinion on something I’m not educated about.

Try new things

Growth is about allowing yourself to evolve. I aim to learn something new every day, whether it is from another person, a lesson from something dumb I did, or from reading an article.

I also make it a habit to try new activities and go to new places as often as I can. In the last month, I have started shooting a bow, making mosaics, and started growing my own vegetables. Even if I hate it, at least I can say I tried.

A camera on a ledge with the sky in the background.
Clay Banks on Unsplash

Teach

There is not a person alive that does not have insights or experiences to share with another. We are meant to pass our lessons on. At a minimum, share your experiences with your children and family as a legacy for them to have forever.

Give

Religion did not teach me this, but I live my life as a servant to others. Serving and giving are the two things that I get the most reward out of doing. I love seeing the downtrodden realize that someone cares or the shunned know that someone will stand up for them.

Give without expecting anything in return, but the feeling you are rewarded with. It is more than enough.

Woman falling off a ledge reaching out to a hand held out to help her.
Noah Bücher on Unsplash

Laugh

The theme of my life has been and always will be laughter. I think my best quality is being able to find something to laugh and joke about on an almost constant basis. I don’t understand people that take themselves so seriously. Lighten the f*&k up. We only get one life, or so I’m told.

Be Yourself

Whoever that you believe created this world did not put you here to be a replica of everyone else. I am completely original, and so are you. Stop trying to fit in and love who you are!

The world needs more people to push boundaries and defy the ordinary. That could be you if you stopped being a sell-out.

Have a creative outlet

I am considered to be a stoic person by certain members of my family. I don’t get overly emotional outwardly. But, despite what many think, I do have feelings and care deeply about plenty. I’m just awkward as hell at showing it.

Years ago, my former therapist recommended I take up a creative hobby as an outlet for my feelings. I don’t know if writing, making mosaics, or painting is getting the brunt of my emotions, but I do enjoy doing it.

It really does help me relax or calm down when I lose my cool, or I’m stressed out more than usual.

Reduce Stress

Being a walking ball of anxiety, I have a hard time with this even though I try hard to do it. Relaxing is something that has never come easy for me. I don’t watch TV, and I am usually running around working, parenting, or cleaning. When I do sit down, I fall asleep almost instantly.

With that being said, I have tried mediation, mindful breathing, stress exercises, drinking, and much more to reduce my stress levels. I haven’t found anything that worked much for me, but I am still optimistic. If I ever find a way to relax, I will really feel like I’ve made it in this world.

An image of a man standing on a rock with arms outspread in front of a sunset.
Xan Griffin on Unsplash

Buy Less/Do More

You will, most likely, never regret an experience with a loved one, but you will consistently regret material purchases. When faced with the choice of an item or an experience, always choose the experience. Memories will be the only thing you take with you when you pass on.

Most importantly, as I have recently learned the hard way, Memories are the only things left behind for us as well. Treasure the moments you are making them.

Posted in Humor, Life

Aging Gracefully

Posted on by Kylie

Aging is a slow dance with a beautiful man whose name is death, but he goes by Bill so that you won’t know it’s him. It is not a lie that youth is wasted on the young. Few of the young realize the opportunities that youth allows them.

When I turned 40, I handled it better than I thought I would. I still felt the same way as I did at 39 and I still thought much the same way as I did at 13. “What’s the big deal,” I thought to myself.

In my journey to age 41, I did make note of sudden changes that appeared as I got older. When I turned 32, I started lowering the volume on my car radio.

When 35 hit, I woke up loving gardening and flowered artwork.

At forty, I suddenly went nuts for Christmas decor and started collecting Christmas ornaments. I got embarrassingly much too excited about a new vacuum cleaner.

Aging is a slow dance with a beautiful man named Death, but he goes by Bill so you won't know it's him.
Photo by Tim Mossholder on Unsplash

Then I turned 41. I guess my freak out mode was delayed a year because 41 is when I really freaked out. I felt like I woke up suddenly a decade older. The only things missing were me suddenly loving cat sweaters and cross stitching rainbows. I was sure that was coming along shortly.

Shortly after my forty first birthday, things started to change. Suddenly, an evening with friends that included a few drinks took three days to recover from.

I started carrying Advil in the car in addition to having it at home. The weather became an awesome topic of conversation and I ran into at least three people I knew every time I went to the pharmacy.

I had to fight myself into not buying a cat sweater. I canceled three appointments that I made for a permanent and a set and Piccadilly at 4:30 seemed the perfect locale for dinner instead of resembling a formaldehyde smelling funeral home.

Image for post
Photo by Unsplash

I looked at my wrinkles, sagging body, and gray hairs that appeared overnight while trying to think about the good parts of aging. I knew there had to be some.

I definitely am a lot more mature and responsible than I was 12 years ago, although I’m still decades behind my peers in that respect. No one loves pranks and 12-year-old humor more than I do. I also impulse buy a lot.

I still get hit on plenty, but that’s really not saying much because some of these men would hit on a dead toad if they thought it would put out. And it’s usually at the gas station or over Messenger.

Recently, I looked at some pictures of Jennifer Aniston, and women like her in their fifties, who claim not to ever have had cosmetic surgery done. They look like they’re 19 instead of 50. I bet they don’t even own a housedress.

I call bullshit. Either they are lying or they’re buying $12,000 skin cream made from some secret ingredient that only they know about such as endangered eagle jizz or something similar.

Anyway, my exterior might be aging a bit, but my internal self is still young and vibrant. I love to have fun, be social, and be with friends and family. And mess with people and stir up trouble.

Image for post
Unsplash

I both dread and look forward to what 45 holds in store for me. As I age, my brain, beliefs, and morals get better, but my body is slowly falling apart.

Like a fine wine, I’m getting better with age, but only on the inside. But I’ll grow old fighting it every step of the way.