Posted in Humor

If I Ran The DMV

If I Ran The DMV

In my latest episode of How I Could Run Things Better Than You Do, I am focusing on the always hated, never anticipated visit to the DMV. We all dread the five year visit. Because we know we won’t have all the paperwork they require and will have to come back for the next three days in a row until we finally get someone that accepts any of the 40 proofs of identity you have brought along.

The first thing I would do is a complete overhaul of staffing. Anyone that hadn’t smiled in the last five years would be hitting the road. New hires would be trained by the local Chick-Fil-A manager. Rudeness would never seethe through their pores and apathy would be instinct in this branch. You would be greeted with a smile and offered a coffee and a biscuit immediately upon your arrival.

While employee training was in effect, I would start working on the mandated changes, by me, to the design and aesthetic of the interior. Instead of going with an industrial steel gray, I would go with soft lighting and the calm colors of nature. When people get mad that they have to come back with 97 more documents, it won’t be a violent confrontation because they will be relaxed and soothed from their experience in our environment. Getting anything done would still be an act of Congress because I can’t overhaul the location, the experience, and the government all at one time.

The interior would be sparkling clean and smell fresh, unlike its normal odor of pork rinds and grapefruit juice. There would be cleaning and sanitation of the entire location done on a daily basis, so contracting chlamydia from a chair would stop being a fear for a visitor.

We will make organ donation and blood donation mandatory to get a driver’s license. Pictures must be updated every two years. Let’s face it, a lot can happen in five or ten years, causing us to look like totally different people. That is a lot of donut eating days that have gone by in the timeframe.

Fifty three customer service windows will be available in order to service customers quickly. Our average wait time would be three minutes, which would be just long enough to drink your soda and pet the puppies. We would keep puppies from the pound there during business hours to facilitate adoptions.

Once the customer was done with customer service, they would be personally escorted out and given a gift basket from Bath and Body Works to make up for the inconvenience of missing twenty minutes of work.

As usual, I have broken down how to run an establishment that has needed an overhaul since its inception in 1584. Be on the lookout soon, for my upcoming article on how I would be a much better President of the United States.


Real Estate Agent, Landlord, Micro-Investor and Finance Specialist. Enjoys sarcasm, wit, wine and writing. Dogs are the answer to everything.

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