Yellow mustard or Dijon? I think you know the answer to that question
Success is a stalker. He eases up behind you without any notice if you’re not paying attention. And you won’t be paying attention because, to gain success, you’ll be hard at work.
Sometimes, we are so hard at work we don’t notice the signs of success starting to surround us. I am here to bring awareness to those signs as they show up, as subtle as they may be.
The first sign of success will be that you have money in your account instead of zero or negative. You may even have CASH in your wallet. This is often the most blatant sign and is usually pretty clear. But I am not immune to the fact that some of my readers are not very smart. I’m doing what I can to spell out even this very big, blatant sign of success for you.
Shortly after starting to succeed, you will notice a change in your sugar. Suddenly, loose sugar just doesn’t cut it anymore. You will only take your sugar in cubes. This does make baking hard, I won’t lie. You might even find yourself shopping for a crystal bowl to store your cubes
You will no longer taste things the same once you experience success. Yellow mustard won’t cut it anymore. You will have to have a Dijon blend. You sure as hell won’t eat catfish anymore. It will only be a bland white fish. Your water will have to be sparkling. You will find a ding-dong, either kind, at the gas station, disgusting.
You will actually get offended when people offer you the condiments of the peasants. Try to keep that reigned in. Nobody likes an asshole, successful or not.
I’m sure by now you’ve already guessed that when you become successful you will start pronouncing things differently. The first thing is you will call a vase a vaz. You will sound classy as f**k.
A potato will be pronounced a potah-toe.
Target will be Tarjay.
Don’t fight it. You’ll only end up looking foolish.
You will always look like you are going sailing. It doesn’t matter where you live or what you are actually going to do. It will always look like you are going sailing.
I hope these tips help you as much as they have not helped me. Since, I’m not successful. Obviously.
Therapy is unavoidable, so you might as well have fun
One of the least talked about benefits, in normal circles anyway, of having children is the ability to be able to make fun of them and humiliate them ever so gently.
You have countless opportunities over the years to embarrass them in many, many ways. Do not let this go to waste. You’re going to be paying for therapy anyway. You might as well make the most of it.
Otherwise known as a public display of affection, this act will mortify for years on end. A good way to do this is to maybe hug your husband or, if you are really feeling spicy, performing a huge make out session right in front of the school.
If you’re a single parent, as I have been often, just grab someone nearby. Sometimes, jail is worth it if you succeed in your goals. Make sure you use tongue.
Try to dance or be cool in any capacity
My kids absolutely hate it when I “dab.” They also hate it when I use their lingo. I will throw in words like fye and lit during our conversations. Especially if their friends are around. That way they know I’m trying to understand and relate to them.
My fourteen year old son loves to call me bro. Once I started beating him to it and calling him bro first, he cut it out.
The kitty game
I don’t like to remember this dark period in my life. For it is when my parents dealt an embarrassing blow so devastating that only now, many decades later, can I laugh about it.
It was the evening of my first date and the day after my sixteenth birthday. The doorbell rang as all gentlemen must come to the door to pick a lady up, according to my mother.
I thought it was odd that my stepfather didn’t want to answer the door and made me do it instead.I answered the door and escorted my date into the living room where my parents were watching television on the couch.
They were not on the couch anymore when I came in to introduce my date to them. I felt all of my blood rush to my face as I realized what they were doing to embarrass me.
Once again, I had underestimated them. They were on all fours. They were playing the kitty game.
The kitty game is much like it sounds. You crawl around and act like a cat. This includes purring, meowing, and rubbing against people’s legs. To date, I have never been more embarrassed.
Take it from me, kids don’t appreciate it when you wear their names on your shirt to celebrate them at a sporting event or even just Applebee’s. They want you to show up to their games. But they don’t want you to cheer for them, make eye contact with them, talk to their friend’s parents, or wear a shirt with their name on it.
Kids also want you to dress your age. Which means they think, at age 41, I should be wearing cat sweaters and elastic band pants. I’ve got the elastic band pants down pat so I’m holding off on the cat sweater.
Have fun with parenting. They are only young once and what doesn’t kill them, or you, will make you stronger. Within reason, of course.
Using this method, paying off debt can be done with fast results and skyrocketing credit scores
We are what we repeatedly do. Excellence, then, is not an act, but a habit.
A debt snowball is not a crumpled up wad of bills for you to throw around in the snow. It is a debt reducing strategy that I learned from financial guru, Dave Ramsey. I have tried almost every financial strategy in existence and this one is the one I recommend to my financial or credit analysis clients.
Using this method, paying off debt can be done a little at a time for faster results and skyrocketing credit scores.
Add up all of your debt and allocate them into categories such as credit cards, medical, collections, loans, etc. Then further allocate them by the ones with the highest interest rate down to the lowest. Use the method on each section or, if you can only do one at a time, start with the debt that has interest on it.
Pay the minimum payment due on all except the one with the smallest balance or the highest interest rate. I would recommend sorting first by interest rate and then by balance to save the most money in the long run. However you decide to do it, pick the one to pay as much over the minimum payment as you can afford.
Repeat until the first debt is paid off in full.
Repeat the first two steps over and over with the remaining debt until everything is paid off and you are one of the rare, debt-free individuals that we hear about so often.
After that final debt is cleared, you will be amazed how fast things got better for you financially and regretful for how long it took you to do it. Suddenly, you’ll be in the position to buy something that you need when you need it and use cash. Being debt free is an amazing feeling to have especially if you have almost drowned from it before.
That doesn’t sound like a big deal to some people, but I know many, many people who pray for only that circumstance to happen in their lives before they die. They just want a chance to not worry constantly about making ends meet for a few moments in their life before it’s over.
I am a definite realist and true unbeliever in fairy tales. So, please believe me when I tell you that this goal is attainable for everyone. Anyone willing to put in the work can make this happen. As with anything else, small changes and/or steps done on a consistent basis will quickly lead to great accomplishments.
My favorite financial quote has always been, “It is not how much money you earn, but how much you don’t spend that determines your wealth.” It is also a quote that I have heard from my brother 1 million times so it has stuck in my head. Which reinforces my point that anything we do repeatedly becomes an action.
I’m not here repeating the same stuff you read in every other article regarding writing. I’m also not going to guarantee that these will work for you as they do for me. Writing is an extremely personal endeavor and each person is stimulated creatively by something different.
My dreams inspire me so I keep a journal beside my bed to jot down my dream inspired ideas right when I wake up and before they disappear into Neverland.
I also literally write in my sleep sometimes. It’s a lot like sleep talking, but it’s sleep writing. Also, it’s completely illegible.
If I did such, which I don’t, I would definitely be inspired with tons of ideas. Ideas from the mundane to the potentially award-winning and possibly even worthy of a Nobel Peace Prize. But, it is illegal in Georgia, so I cannot partake in that yet.
That’s right. Just read and keep up with the news. Write about it and create your own spin on it. Just like FOX and CNN does. Make people see it your way! Your propaganda, I mean opinion, matters too! Such is the power of the word.
The media is a very powerful force and to underestimate that is your own folly.
I like to write my first drafts in the one note app. Not only because I can use the voice mode to dictate my extremely fast thoughts, but because the font is beautiful. I know that’s silly, but I like a nice, girly font.
I got my love for shocking people from my mother. No filter, no care for political correctness, and no f*&ks given were also handed down to me, via the maternal side. We also have the same straight face that makes messing with others extremely fun as no one can tell if we are kidding or not.
As a child, and now as an adult, she provided me with love, laughter, confusion, and fear. All the things that make up a great parent, in my mind. Over the years, and despite what I told myself growing up, I have adopted some of her ways as my own. Others, I have left for her to keep to herself.
Hoe Up/Hoe Down
This advice is a gem that I have passed down to my own kids. There comes an age, usually in middle school, when the size of a shirt or a pair of shorts suddenly become the size of a peanut. The tiddly bits of young ladies are almost exposed because they are so short! I sound like my own grandmother right now, but it is what it is.
It was during my own dress like a whore phase that my mother sat me down for a chit chat. She told me, “You have to hoe up or hoe down. You can’t do both or you’ll get a reputation.” The reputation threat didn’t really bother me, because I didn’t care what people thought of me. However, I thought that was really good advice because I wanted to show some kind of illusion of being classy while also submitting to the mating dance of the hormonal, like the other teens.
So when I wore a cleavage bearing shirt, I would wear long pants. When I was rocking some booty shorts, I would make sure my cleavage was covered. Even though I am old as dirt now, I still use this advice often with my children, others and even on myself when I’m feeling particularly whore like.
This is She
If you answered the phone at my house and you were heard replying, “This is her” to a person asking to speak with you, you were no better than a convicted felon. My stepfather was the editor of the local paper and my mother may have been the first grammar Nazi. I never understood the big deal of it all until I watched my children trying to date people who couldn’t speak correctly. Then I understood.
Don’t say fart or crap. That shit is fucked up.
My mother had her own version of bad words. The word fart being the dreaded F word in my house. It was hugely offensive. We had to call it a motor boat. Imagine my surprise when I got older and learned the other definitions of motorboat.
We won’t talk about how many odd looks I got for gasping in response to someone saying the word fart.
All births deserve flowers to be sent and all deaths deserve hand delivered casseroles. Nothing cures grief faster than some tater-tot casserole. All wedding showers will get a money envelope. We don’t give a f$&k about your registry. Have fun buying that new toaster with your new husband, because you are getting what we decide you need.
Furthermore, any necessities that you notate on your registry are to be ignored. We will buy what we want. If it is a cute child, or even an ugly one, we are buying for, we will pick out a cute gift. Otherwise, you will get cash. Those are the only options.
It doesn’t matter how old you are or what the other kids are doing. Nothing is open after midnight except legs and Walmart and you don’t need to be in either of them.
Don’t slam the door!
This was a disrespectful action equitable to flipping the bird or worse. I don’t know if the cost of a door used to be ludicrous or what, but door slamming, aka door damaging, was a big deal back in my day.
I guess the price of doors was a lot higher when I was a kid. Because my mom lost her ever loving mind when I slammed one.
I grew up thinking that dogs were boys and girls were cats in the pet world. I’m going to tell you that I was not 17 before I knew this was not the case. Just please politely mind your business. Once again, I would like to thank my mother.
Never leave the house in underwear that is not in mint condition, lest you die suddenly. It is apparently a huge deal for any EMTs or funeral home workers to see underwear that has been tainted.
Of course now that I’m older and I understand the bodily functions better, I realize this is not reasonable in any way.
This article just covers the ludicrous that my mother taught me in my childhood. The good things she instilled in me would take several books to record. Maybe one day.
Stop doing stupid things to sabotage your finances.
I can’t put it any more clearly. We can start becoming less uninformed, aka dumb, by breaking some of the taboos that surround the topic of money and finance.
It has been, in the past, considered taboo to talk about money.
We need to correct this now. The more we talk about money, and what does or does not work for us, the better for everybody.
And I, for one, would’ve appreciated people talking about money in high school. It would’ve been nice to learn about budgeting, saving, and earning instead of the Pythagorean theorem. I wonder how many bankruptcies could’ve been avoided if this had been implemented.
It has been considered in poor taste or vulgar to ask someone how much they paid for something.
I think that’s ridiculous because how are we supposed to know what a good deal is or if we’re getting ripped off if we don’t know what the normal baseline price is? So, when he asks, tell Tom how much that new lawnmower cost. What does it really matter? If they come asking you for money, just say no.
With this being said, I do not agree with telling people your salary or income information. That is nobody’s business but your own. Yes, I can make up my own rules. America is a democracy, but my house is a dictatorship run by me. Just ask my kids.
Okay, ladies and men, please pay attention here. Luckily for us, it is no longer 1952 or even 1989. You don’t have to ask your husband to open a checking account, credit card, or for his input on any financial decision.
And, men, you don’t have to tell your wife about every little thing you buy nor do you have to hand your paycheck over.
I’m going to get in trouble for this comment, but all marriages work differently. You are not required to share financial accounts just because you are married. You are still entitled to your own independence and your own wealth.
My husband and I choose to share expenses, but stay out of each other’s personal accounts. It works for us. It doesn’t mean it would work for everybody. I’m well aware that marriage is an extremely complicated situation and needs to be personally built around each situation.
I cannot go back and yell at the teachers from 1993 to 1997 about not teaching me in high school what I should’ve been taught, but I can break the cycle by teaching my children about finances.
If we fix this now, the next generation will be more prepared to deal with the financial world.