I never said it was easy, I only said it was worth it
I wonder if Arby’s is thinking about me right now. Or did they think about me yesterday? Is there is a bulletin board somewhere in the Arby’s corporate office with my picture on it? Did they fax it to all the locations? Is this how I will finally get my 15 minutes of fame?
One wouldn’t think it would be so easy to get banned from the roast beef sandwich restaurant chain. Otherwise known as Arby’s. Turns out, it is easier than most of my goals have been thus far. And I only failed once before I was successful. My normal numbers usually reflect a 43 to 1 failure ratio. Everyone has to be good at something, right?
Let me be the first, and probably the only, to tell you that when you are denied horsey sauce it is the only thing that will consume your mind. It is almost actually like drug withdrawal symptoms.
Which leads me to believe there is more than just mayonnaise and/or horseradish contributing to the white color in the sauce. There is crack in it, too. And possibly some bath salts. But, I don’t want to start any rumors.
I have endured six months of hell and one weekend in jail since I’ve been banned from Arby’s. And I have not just been banned from the one Arbys in my town. I have been permanently banned from all of them.
Just kidding. I’ve never been banned from Arby’s. But I’m here to tell you about the things you could do to get banned from Arby’s. That way, you can never say you didn’t know.
I don’t want anyone ever to suffer a life without curly fries in it because they were uneducated. You can’t buy frozen curly fries and expect the same result as the Arby’s kind. What kind of a life is that?
Don’t worry, I’m qualified to educate on this subject. My sister used to work with someone whose father managed an Arby’s.
Yell
Apparently, Christine Baskets doesn’t own all of the Arby’s. If you don’t know who Christine Baskets is, you need to finish reading this and then go watch every season of Baskets on Hulu.
Anyway, if you ask any of the workers to slap you with a roast beef sandwich you will get banned or at least asked to leave politely if it’s your first offense.
They really hate it if you ask them to hit you with a roast beef sandwich while also calling you big mama. I really wish they didn’t discriminate against S&M so much.
Compare a roast beef sandwich to a vagina
They get especially bent out of shape about this one. Even more so if said sandwich looks like shit.
They also hate it when you ask them if they have a penis shaped sandwich to go with your roast beef sandwich. Accuse him of being sexist and misogynistic. It should supply an equal opportunity bounty of phallic food. Also, they should have a non-gender specific, neutrally shaped, non-binary food as well. One has to cover all of the bases or you risk offending someone.
The anatomy of people’s private parts should not be such a taboo subject. This is 2020. People sometimes need to say out loud what everybody is thinking.
But, this stunt is a pretty quick, immediate ban and, fingers crossed, you might even get escorted out.
Crack
Accuse them online, by mail, in internet forums, via phone call, by singing quartet, and by courier that the horsey sauce has crack in it.
If something seems too good to be true, it probably is. Sometimes things are too delicious for a reason. And usually, that reason is not a good one. Why do you think all those white women eat kale so often? That’s not a coincidence and it certainly isn’t for the taste. Think people!
I think that they, aka Arby’s, got mad because their cover was blown. The war on drugs starts with all of us. Stay vigilant.
Stay
Managers of Arby’s are extremely stingy about their Wi-Fi. One time, somebody supposedly went in there with a sleeping bag to spend the night.
All they wanted to do was have an all night marathon on Facebook and the manager went absolutely ballistic. The poor soul even bought a cup of water like the sign indicated they should.
It’s not like the poor guy wanted to get on Pornhub and look at feet. He just wanted to have a Facebook marathon session. People are so strict these days.
Animals
Although service animals are allowed in Arby’s per the law, they accused one person of lying when he brought his seeing eye turtle, Turty Von Turtleson, in to enjoy some curly fries.
The man tried to explain logically that the turtle could see the auras of people that had bad intentions. I think that is just as important as seeing people’s faces. It actually might be more important. If you could read peoples intentions by their faces alone, I wouldn’t be married three times now.
We need to start putting more importance on auras and less on beauty pageants. Those are stupid. Even so, Arby’s won’t let you do that there either.
Weddings
I tried to have my third and final wedding on the ritzy side of town. Looking back on it now, I probably was stepping out of my lane and overstepping my boundaries. It wouldn’t be the first time and it definitely won’t be the last. I probably should’ve stayed in the redneck area of town where I belonged.
But the Arby’s over there is amazing. Everything is clean. Even the bathroom. Even the men’s bathroom is clean. Don’t ask questions if you don’t want to hear the answer. I know you’re wondering how I know about the men’s bathroom.
But apparently, they don’t need any extra money at that location because they refused to rent out the restaurant to me as a venue for my wedding.
They missed out on a damn good time because we actually ended up having a keg and a dancing goat. The downside was we had to have straight fries instead of curly fries. I bet some people thought we were really impoverished.
Even so, who was the real loser here? Arby’s, that’s who.
Conclusion
As I mentioned earlier in this article, I actually have not ever been banned from any Arby’s restaurant. But, I did go there for lunch one day last week and talked to some employees about all the ways people have gotten kicked out.
I have to admit it did intrigue me. I have now added get kicked out of Arby’s to my bucket list as number 97.
I hope that you have learned some valuable things from reading this. I won’t go as far as to say that I’m a hard-hitting reporter now, but I did interview an Arby’s assistant manager for this article. It was the first of many interviews that I am planning to do in my newfound career.
I plan on doing my next one on Burger King. FYI — they really don’t let you have it your way.
Originally posted in 2021 on Medium.com.
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