Tag: Self Improvement

Posted in Humor, Life, life lessons, Satire

No More Mrs. Nice Gal: Introducing The New Improved Me

Posted on by Kylie

My decision to join the ones I couldn’t beat

A happy woman lays on the bed of beautiful flowers.
Photo by Unsplash

The old me, from yesterday, was a nice, spineless idiot. The new version of me will be ruthless and successful by any means necessary, legal or otherwise. Unless it comes down to having to kick a puppy. I’m not doing that.

I would love to make you a list of everything that my integrity has gotten me in my life. But, you literally would be reading a list of nothing. Because, it has gotten me nowhere and nothing at all. Nowhere good, anyway.

I have been an average person my entire life. I’m not beautiful and not ugly. I’m not smart and not dumb. The only thing I excel at is being funny and usually at the expense of my own dignity. In case you’re wondering, there’s not a huge job market for funniness and my boss tends to not fathom sarcasm most of the time.

Despite these issues, I have always worked harder than most others just because I’ve always had to. What I’m trying to say, is that I don’t love working myself to death. And I’m hoping one day I can cut back to 50 hours a week or less.

Failure will never take me if my determination to succeed is strong enough.

Og Handino

Average face and IQ aside, I have always had a high moral standard. This is the truth, despite any videos you’ve seen on Facebook or what my face may look like. I most assuredly have resting bitch face, but that does not mean that I’m a bitch or that I ever rest.

I’ve never cheated on anybody and I try to be honest as often as I can be. I’m not a religious person, but I do my part to help people when I can. I try not to be mean to people unless they absolutely provoke it.

My intentions were to lead a life full of laughter and moral integrity. But I have since figured out that if I ever want to get ahead in this shitshow of a life, I need to join the rest of society. They figured out a long time ago that you can only get ahead in life by stepping on the hands of others. So I am going to take my shot at being a douche bag, but I will apologize as I do it.

I could’ve been a gold digging ho and had a much easier life, but I chose to work hard and married two losers out of love instead. I could’ve been not lonely for so many years, but I chose not to cheat. I stayed in a bad marriage for the sake of my family. I could have gone to college on a full scholarship, but I chose to get pregnant at 19.

Yes, I know I’m the product of my own choices. But in my defense, I’ve been making pretty good ones since I was 20, but my life is continuing to not improve alongside of my maturity level. What I mean by my maturity level, is my old age.

Our ability to achieve happiness and success depends on the strength of our wings.

Catherine Pulsifer

So many times I could’ve made the choice that would’ve made my life easier, but I said no strictly on the basis of my integrity. Now the clock of death is ticking and I only have so much time to make anything of my life.

So, at the tinder young age of 41, I have finally realized that integrity doesn’t mean shit and nobody cares. I am, as what my son likes to say, woke.

Starting today, I am shoving my integrity up somebody’s butt. I’ll announce the winner later. From now on, if I have to ride people’s backs like a spider monkey to get ahead, I will do it.

As far as my former rule to never snitch on anybody goes, because I didn’t want to get stitches, stitches make for pretty cool scars eventually.

Morals, brutal honesty, and integrity has gotten me two failed marriages, the death of one husband, a lifetime of struggle, debt and chaos. The honesty part has also gotten me written up in HR nineteen times.

But on a lighter note, I can handle stress really well. And you can only go up when you’re at the bottom. I also have a lot of street credibility because I will go ballistic on somebody despite my angelic undertones. You can’t fail harder when you’ve already failed completely.

Today marks a new day in the existence of Kylie. I’m going to be somewhere between the former saintly Kylie and that annoying Kardashian one. I can’t totally throw my morals away all in one sitting. Using hard work and dedication, maybe I’ll actually succeed at quitting my morals.

I am motivated and willing to make the changes needed to one day say that I am a mediocre success instead of an abject failure. Fingers crossed.

Lastly, I would like to point out to my former fifth grade teacher that I am motivating AF. She loved calling me Eeyore because I didn’t walk around smiling like a dumbass all day. So you can suck on that, Mrs. Smith. One day soon, I will show everybody.

So keep an eye out for my name and not in a bad way. But make sure it’s my name, not the Kardashian.

Originally posted on Medium.com.

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Posted in Life, Poetry

Living A Beautiful Life With No Vision

Posted on by Kylie
A poem about living life authentically
A mannequin that looks human.
Photo Creds Above

Human’s identify as everything, but realize little.
For people will take above all else, grumbling when they give.
There are those that will not laugh at pain, their love a beacon.
Find those flowers pushing through the cracks to shine for us.

Protect your time, for it will not come again.
Need nothing, for you alone are the source of all you need.
Hiding blind behind a false facade, trying to wade with the masses.
A false reality preventing a life.

Open fresh eyes to the heaven within.
Heaven lives jointly with hell, in a place only you can get to.
Love forever imitates hate, being two sides of the same coin.
Craving real decency above all else, while escaping intimacy.

Take this short life and use it for living.
Drain the tragic well inside of you.
Having no sight with eyes wide open, for sight comes from the heart.
Living is done from within.
Wasted lives spent in vain, searching outwardly for all that is situated within.

Posted in Humor, love, Satire, sex

Weapons Of Mass Seduction: Amazing New Sex Toys

Posted on by Kylie
How normal household items can be used in the bedroom
Homemade bread sits on a napkin besides silverware.
Photo Credits Above

Attention fellow Chicks and Cocks, I am about to blow your minds. The following revelations might be disturbing to some of you, but it will prove revolutionary for the ones of you that aren’t scared of trying new things. For this particular article, I am focusing on the man, but some of these may work with women as well, especially if they are gym teachers.

For once, it will be about the lady’s pleasure. Many of y’all are not ladies, in the traditional sense, but that’s neither here nor there.

First of all, men and female gym teachers are generally weird AF. Before y’all get all puffy on me, I said generally. There are exceptions. I don’t know any offhand, but that’s beside the point. Men are extremely perverted but usually lack any real sexual creativity. It’s always about baby oil, canned corn, and whipped cream.

Fellas, anything can be made into a sexual accessory if you try hard enough and you are perverted enough. Don’t let the opinions of others, society or laws hold you back. A felony may only last a moment, but memories last a lifetime.

I could write an epic amount of extreme and perverse content on this subject, so I spent nineteen months narrowing down my list. I also condensed the number of ways each item can be used from 3,421 to no more than 17, but mainly one. I believe that is fair enough. Besides, what do I care what is fair? I’m not a politician so pretending to care is not in my job description. You’re lucky you got one.

Disclaimer: I take no personal responsibility if you get hurt. I take no in-personal responsibility either, for that matter. And also, I only want positive comments. No one wants your criticism, even if you fluff it up by calling it constructive.

The Spatula

The spatula is the perfect weapon in the bedroom. It is firm, but bendy, which makes it perfect for hard spankings when you’ve been a bad girl or your man/girl/partner deserves punishment for eating your skittles. Or so I’ve heard. Obviously, I don’t do that kind of stuff. My background as a former nun prohibits me from any pleasure taken from pain. Unless it is self-flagellation with a whip, obviously.

Grater

Normally used for grating cheese or vegetables, this can be used to give sensual pedicures. What did you think I was going to say?

OR you could scrape the ass cheese off of your lover. I won’t lie. This will probably hurt. I don’t know for sure because my lover was gagged while I did this.

Measuring Cup

You don’t just measure the banana! We all know they’re going to say it’s 8 inches anyway. But while you’re at it, go ahead and measure the berries. See how many ounces they make.

Sure, it’s weird, but isn’t everything that they do? We are allowed to be weird if we want. And I know I can’t be the only one who wants to know how many ounces my husband’s berries weigh.

They are 12 ounces.

Colander

Obviously, this is to be used as a hat. Duh. You can be a warrior in bed in addition to real-life since you probably carry the weight of the whole family on your back and your husband’s balls in your purse.

Ladle

For pouring chocolate and White Zinfandel all over the body of your lover. Or scalding hot wax if you’re more into that sort of thing. Personally, my husband loves me to pour lukewarm vegetable soup upon his taint during foreplay. Ha, just kidding. We don’t do foreplay.

Hand Mixer

It can beat more than just potatoes, if you get my drift. It can also be used to give an erotic massage or to blend a sphincter. Really, you are only limited to your imagination.

Cutting Board

Is it, though? It’s more of a paddle and should be used as such. Let nothing hold you back, including the law, from using this to beat whatever you want. It’s done in a sexual nature, no matter your anger level, if Barry White is playing and some of your skin is showing.

I hope that you are as grateful as you should be after reading this article. These tips should make your sex life become as amazing as you are. But, what do I know? I’m a nun. Let me know how it all comes out.

Originally posted at Medium.com

Posted in Humor, Life

Felony Prevention: Amazing, Easy And Practical Ways to Manage Stress

Posted on by Kylie

How I cope with working with the public and much, much more

A man is going crazy from the stressors of his life.

I manage 185 properties in addition to doing financial consulting, credit repair, and real estate. I also write a blog and write for Medium. When I’m not working, I have a husband, four children, two step-children, two dogs, two birds, and a turtle to take care of.

Needless to say, my life is a huge stress ball minus squeezing satisfaction. The constant effort to manage my stress is the only reason that I am felony free.

I often get asked how I handle my chaotic life. It is always stressful, never boring, and I wouldn’t trade it for the world. However, I would do all kinds of shady things for just one night alone in a hotel room. Until that happens, I have to find peace and de-stress where I can.

I don’t know what I did in my past life, but whatever it was had to have been really bad. I have had the worst luck, being accident-prone, have awkward tendencies, and stay moderately to extremely annoyed on a very consistent basis since the day I was born.

It started upon my delivery unto this earth and has lasted up into this very point of my life. This point in which I am sitting on my front porch writing while my 14-year-old tries to annoy me non-stop, as usual, by screeching like a car alarm.

My husband is inside and completely incapacitated on the couch watching tv in a comatose-like state. Although I know otherwise, he looks like he has never even heard of the word stress. I would give almost anything to have that kind of peace of mind for just five minutes.

My Oasis

That sounds fancy, but it’s just my damn bathroom. Every night, I take a hot bubble bath with a glass or seven of wine. I am in heaven until I leave. I try to ignore the children sitting outside my door, but I can still hear them.

It is still an amazing time to relax and practice mindful breathing. I have to be very careful not to fall asleep. I just know I’ll die in some stupid way like this or trip over a Cheeto.

My Friends

I am absolutely blessed to have a huge tribe of friends. I have most of these friends for twenty or more years. When life gets to be too much for me, I take a day off and become a kid again with my friends. We like to do stupid, silly things the same as we did 20 years ago. Laughter is a big part of my life and one of the main reasons that I am still sane. It is most definitely a coping mechanism for me. I do consider it to be the best medicine.

I cannot overemphasize how important it is to have good friends no matter your age or circumstance. If you don’t have any, make some. E-mail me, I’ll be glad to be your friend. I love learning about other people.

Animals

My animals remind me constantly that there is loyalty and innocence left in this world. However minimal it may be, is beside the point. There’s absolutely nothing that I could do to offend them that they would not forgive me for, even fake throwing a ball. Which I would not do as I am not a monster.

I have spent my whole life looking for a love of this nature. At this point, I think the only thing close to the love of an animal is the love of a mother. There is nothing that those little #### *’s could do that would make me love them any less.

Mosaics

The latest of the many hobbies I have tried over my life is mosaic art and I am surprised to say that I love it. I am considering sticking with it. As I am a novice, I am not the best at it yet. But I plan to be, as I always do. It is relaxing and creative outlet for me. And it’s really hard to make a bad looking mosaic.

Reading

I have been an avid reader my whole life. I started reading at the young age of four and have not taken a break from it since. I like every genre and it is by far my favorite thing to do to relax, much to the annoyance of my husband. He would rather that I watch television with him than do anything else. Explaining the allure of reading to a non-reader is all but impossible.

Writing

Writing is more than a hobby to me. It’s cathartic and I feel like it helps me more than therapy ever did. I write things that are funny to me and aren’t for many others. I write about the hard moments and good ones. Some, actually most, of the items I write will never see the light of day. Which is, most likely, a good thing for everyone.

Music

I have more Spotify playlists than bras. I have a playlist for every mood and I listen to all genres. Well, except for classical. I don’t think there is enough social training in the world for that. Music can take me from almost any mood and transform me to a completely new one within minutes. I can go from being a thug to a western star to singing old school rock within minutes on any of my playlists. It’s one of many reasons that my kids find me uncool.

So, there you have it. Those are the real things I do, minus the binge drinking of course, at home to help deal with some of my stress. Is a felony assault charge attractive to me after half an hour of verbal abuse? I won’t lie. Yes, it is. But, I just grin and bear it.

I also like to keep a decent attitude when allowable by my tenants, husband or kids. But sometimes, that is just impossible, so I throw on some loud music, say a few motivational cuss words to myself, and carry on with my life. Then, I do it all again the next day.

Originally posted on Medium 2020

Posted in Cleaning, Life

9 Valuable Hacks To Make Cleaning Absolutely Easy

Posted on by Kylie

We have to clean, but we don’t have to like it

A woman points her clorox bleach cleaner at dirt and grime.
Clorox bleach is the shizzle

More cleaning tips and hacks from the laziest housekeeper in America or, quite possibly, the world. You are welcome in advance. If there is a lazy, fast way to clean something, I’ll find out about it. And then, I’ll write an article about it.

There are actually some people who enjoy cleaning. There are also weirdos that love going to the dentist. I enjoy the results, but not the action. That’s why I am always on the lookout for shortcuts. Other times, I just try to find a hiding spot or fake an injury of some nature.

1. Clean narrow vases, bottles, and other odd shaped items by filling them with hot water and dropping in a tablet of denture cleaner. At a certain age, especially in the south, we all inherit or buy knick knacks. I’m sure it’s no different in the other parts of the United States. Take your knicks, gather your knacks and throw them in a bucket of hot water with a few denture cleaners in it. Bam! Knick knacks are clean. Repeat for paddywacks. Finish, by giving dog a bone.

2. Garbage disposals stink like rotten food and trash cans if you don’t clean them. There are a lot of different ways to clean disposals. I tend to alternate between baking soda and putting lemon/lime rinds in to deodorize and freshen. Working in property management for the last twenty years I can assure you, without a doubt, that 90% of society do not know how to use a garbage disposal properly.

3. I hate grapefruit. When God was making that fruit I know he was planning a prank on someone. It looks delicious. It tastes like my ex-husband’s soul. But it does come in handy for scrubbing tubs and showers. Cut one in half because, let’s face it, no one will eat that on purpose. Sprinkle it with salt. I like to use Kosher because it is not as fine. Then scrub away those stubborn stains!

4. Some carpet stains can be removed with vodka. I like to share the vodka with the stain. I have fun and the stain gets removed!

5. Is your sink stained with rust or soap gunk? Clean it after pouring on a solution of coke and cologne. Mix about 1/2 and 1/2, it won’t take a large quantity, spray and wipe it up. I would not recommend using $100 bottle of cologne for this. But this article is not about finances, so do what you want to.

6. I hate cleaning ovens. It is, by far, my least favorite chore for a number of reasons. I try to make it less strenous on my forty year old back by removing the oven racks and putting them in the tub to soak in oven cleaner for a few hours.

7. You can remove water marks from the glass shower door by cleaning them with shaving cream. Shave your legs, or whatever may need shaving, and then clean the shower. I love things that are able to be used in multiple ways!

8. WD-40 is fantastic at getting out blood and other tough stains from carpet or any fabric at all. it comes in very handy if you have a family full of teenage boys. Grease and blood seems to be a constant with red dirt thrown in.

9. Run a few denture tablets through a coffee pot to clean the buildup and excess grossness that is hiding in places you haven’t even thought about looking yet.

I hope these tips will help you do this with half the effort. I know I put almost no effort in anything. Especially since turning forty. I’ve also started shouting, “Get off of my lawn!” sporadically.

If you know of any other good tips, please feel free to share them with me!

Posted in Death, Life

How Tragedy Turned My Life Around Positively

Posted on by Kylie

My sister’s death from cancer opened my eyes to life

A victorious woman holds her arm up in the air with a closed fist.
The hardest times always show us something.

“Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.” — T.S. Elliot

My sister’s death from sudden, aggressive lung cancer changed who I am as a person forever. I know, without a doubt, that I will never be the same Kylie again.

We all are aware that death is inevitable. But, it still hurts in a way unlike any other pain when it happens, especially sudden and tragic deaths. Healing does happen and I know this. Her loss was not my first just my most sudden and tragic. I have buried a husband and my father, but this death just hit me differently and out of nowhere.

I woke up the day after her death, expecting to feel the heaviness of grief. And I did. But I also realized immediately that I was a changed person who, going forward, would be living life differently. I suddenly understood I had been holding myself back in almost all areas of my entire life. I was living my life by trying to avoid attention. I was not being who I really wanted to be. Life was suddenly an extremely fragile thing that I had been wasting for years on mediocrity. I would no longer waste a second that was given to me.

Nothing could be worse than the fear that one had given up too soon, and left one unexpended effort that might have saved the world.

Jane Addams

What stops us from trying new things? In my opinion, it is due to the opinion’s of our peers or the people we consider to be the closest to us. Why? Because we know the masses are uncomfortable with being different than the rest and with change of any kind. A lot of conformists want everyone around them to be leery and rejecting of anything different than the status quo. I refuse, adamantly, to live my life like that going forward.

The masses have always viewed anyone who does, looks, or acts differently than the rest of society as odd or outcasts. I find that herd mentally extremely disturbing. Why can’t the different personalities be beautiful or brave instead of outcasts or troublemakers? Personally, I find bland and normal people to be boring as hell and shallow.

What would our lives look like if we took chances, fought back or rocked the boat sometimes instead of cowering? Is the fear of failure or embarrassment really that big of a deal? I don’t understand, because I do not care if people like me or not. What if we had taken more chances? What could we have accomplished by now? Would cancer be cured? Would my sister be alive?

So, I decided in my grief that I would live my life without fear holding me back from anything. I owe this to her beautiful soul. I will never take my life for granted again. She did not want to die. I will live for her now. I will keep her memory alive in her granddaughter, Piper, that she never knew was coming or got to see.

My main goal is to go sliding feet first into my grave. I want the gossips to keep busy by talking about me. I want to have lived a large, exciting, meaningful life filled with amazing moments and memories astounding enough to be talked about in my family for generations to come. I will not accept my fate as being one of the other sheep in this world.

I started my new found way of living by deciding to follow my dream of writing. This was a huge deal to me because I had always let the opinions of others hold me back in this regard. The value of other’s opinions died along with my sister. I started writing and I have not stopped since. Much to my family’s chagrin. I have a lot I still need to get out.

I write more humor pieces than anything. I do this because I have used humor as a coping mechanism my whole existence. There is nothing that I can not twist and mold to turn into a laughable situation. I am comforted in my grief by the memory of her laughing at my antics.

Just trust yourself, then you will know how to live.

Goethe

I have started a website, started blogging, joined Medium, and haven’t looked back. Am I a huge success? No. However, success is subjective. Writing makes me happy. That makes it a success in my eyes. And, going forward, my opinion is the only one that I will validate.

From now until the end of my days, if I want to do something or experience life, I’m going to do it. Haters riding on my life train can get off at any time. I sincerely hope they do. I am not blind to a few of my friends and the fickleness they show with their support. The time has come for fake friends or people with less than pure intentions to exit my life. That way, I will have room for more supportive people to enter my life. I am definitely ready for some new passengers on my figurative life train.

I will no longer make any apologies or explanations for anything I do. I am different and I am loud. I am too much of a woman for some and too little of a woman to others. I am not here to follow. I am here to lead. I am me. I am proud of who I am and I am free for the first time in my forty one years. And it feels amazing.

I have the full love, support, and acceptance of my husband. He has embraced every change that I have made and fully supported every shenanigan and/or scheme that I have ever come up with. Whether it ends up being successful or not in the end.

I also have the support of my other sister who is my best friend in this world and has been since I was born. Even if my writing is terrible, she knows it is a healing process for me and builds me up every chance she gets. I also support her in how she expresses her own grief which is in a very different and private way.

Let us resolve to be masters, not the victims, of our history, controlling our own destiny without giving way to blind suspicions and emotions.

John Kennedy

As far as the memory of my lost sister goes, I can still hear her sweet voice when I close my eyes. I know she would be supportive of me. I miss her everyday and I am prepared to live the remainder of my life missing her. But, instead of focusing on all that I have lost and my sadness, I am going to focus on living and making myself, and her, proud.